Christmas - The Wait(ed) Moment

The first time I saw him was when he approached me for a $5 change. I thought he looked mentally unstable with his white hair, cross-eyed & sloppy look. The next time I saw him was when he asked me for the time of the night as he walked towards the bus stop (outside my home) which I have just alighted. Surely, this is a madman, I concluded. The third time I saw him was when he was waiting alone at the same bus stop. I was on my way home, around 8+ after a long day's work.

As I turned my head back, I realized that he was with his wife, walking with her, lovingly holding her handbag. I suddenly pieced everything together & realized that he was all along waiting for his wife to return back from work! The last time he enquired about the time was to estimate the time that his wife was returning. I can't believe that at the age of 50+, this couple could still be so loving. I was somehow touched by what I saw before me. I've heard the story of the prodigal son so many times, but this is the first time I truly FELT what the parable was all about. We have waited many times for people who are late for appointments, and we tend to remember them well (don't we?)! But we forget quite quickly the times when people waited for us. What does it feel like to be waited? Especially one where the person waited for you WITH LOVE and not annoyance? Could you pause & think (+ feel) about that for a moment? Have you ever been waited with such love (be it in a relationship) or have witnessed something like that?

As we celebrate Christmas this year, we often like to think that we (the world) are waiting for the Saviour to come. Or at least, this is what the readings & Advent reminded us. But what if, it was really the other way round? Rather God was The One, who waited for us? Waiting for us to respond to Him - to welcome Him into our ever so-busy world, a world of self-interest, consumerism? A God who waited with love for us. A white-haired God who has waited since the beginning of time for our notice, for us to pause & feel His love. Yes, in so many ways, God is like the man I've encountered. So easily he escaped my notice, gets written off by my quick judgement as a madman. Yet, if only I choose to LOOK BACK & PAUSE (to reflect), I will notice someone more beautiful than I thought - a God MADLY in love with me. Is that what we see at the scene of the Nativity?

"Better than hoping for anything from the Lord, besides His love, let us place all our hope in His love itself. This hope is as sure as God Himself. It can never be confounded. It is more than a promise of its own fulfillment. It is an effect of the very love it hopes for. It seeks charity because it has already found charity. It seeks God knowing that it has already been found by Him. It travels to Heaven realizing obscurely that it has already arrived."

~ Thomas Merton, No Man Is An Island

Christmas - Our Light of Hope

As I was taking my night flight back from Shanghai, I manage to peer through the window to take one last look at the skyline of the city. It's really beautiful. But it somehow reminded me that all this comes with a price. When I was serving my National Service in Tekong, I recalled how I often admired the numerous stars that I see in the sky. But I could only spot a few of them when I'm in mainland Singapore. Later, someone told me that our tall buildings with their night lights has lit up the sky so brightly that it made it difficult to spot any stars.

About 2000+ yrs ago, 3 wise men followed a star that led them to the child Saviour, tucked away in a manger. If this event is to happen today, will there be any star for them to follow? In a brightly lit world today, we get distracted with so many beautiful & colourful lights. Which is the true light to follow? Today, I see these lights represented as materialism, consumerism and secularism. I too, am guilty of getting distracted with the latest fashion wear, electronic gadget must-have. In this new age, many digital improvements have also demanded my attention. They range from sms, facebook, to msn & emails. All of which has left me with less & less time for myself, yet alone a proper discernment to decipher what's really important in life.

Living in Singapore all my life, I've only encountered a blackout about 2 times. It is during those times, when a simple lit candle could bring much comfort & hope to me. When all the bright lights have failed me, this simple candle light stay true by my side. A comfort to help me find my way in the darkness, a hope that everything will be restored to its original state. Yes, even in the familarity of my own house, I can get lost. Isn't this often the irony in life? We get so used to our daily routine, that we begin to accept the way things are. We stop questioning if there's a more Christian, Loving way to carry out our daily task.

The advent candles are a timely reminder to me for what they stand for. The first candle reminds me of what Christmas promises to bring - Hope, an alternative to what I have to put up with - darkness. The question is whether do I want to step out of this darkness? Just where bad news is the proven headline that brings publicity, can I be the one to herald good news? Can I be the one to make a difference in the lives of those around me?

In him was life, and the life was the light of men.
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
~ John 1 : 4-5

Involve

"If you are not part of the solution, you're part of the problem"
~ Sydney J. Harris

I think there's so much truth in the above statement. What it essentially teaches us is that when faced with a difficult situation, we got to take a stand. We cannot be bystanders and just "hope for the best". It leaves no room for indifference. I'm sure we are confronted with many of such issues in our daily lives. It may range from unjust treatment of migrant/domestic workers to gossiping of colleagues/friends.

The bible highlights this clearly in Revelation 3:15 - 16, where it speaks of those who sit on the fence. They will be spit out eventually. Too often, the Catholic Church has been branded as a sleeping giant. We adopt the waiting stance. We complain about many things but we wait for someone to act, to solve our problems. But in order for our world/church to evolve to a Christic world, it is not enough merely to revolve it round faith & prayer. We need to start getting involved. We need to get our hands dirty & start getting into action. We are not perfect and we have a long way to go. But getting personally involved is a good place to start.

I used to dream of an active & envangelical Catholic community which is the envy of many non-believers. A closely knit community whereby we all know each other because of everyone's active involvement in church ministry. An evangelical community because we are so filled with the fervour and Spirit, that we no longer remain shy or ignorant of our faith. But when will this take place? My dream seems like a far cary from current reality. Should I give it up or wait for that day to come before I contribute? Am I then part of the problem or solution?

I finally decided that my dream will not happen if I do not take the first step to plant the seed. And there's no better place to begin than to start educating & outreaching to the youths today. Hopefully they will grow up to change the world around them. Only they have the ability to lead & shape the church of tomorrow. It has been a great 10 years in youth ministry. My dream today is still nowhere in sight. I may not live to see it fulfilled. But the thought that I am involved in this plan, sometimes shudders me. On reflection, I could only say that it was divine inspiration that kept me going all these years. And it has been a beautiful journey just to be involved (via my own silly & small ways) in the grand plan of God.

Martin Luther once explained that for the Incarnation to take place, 3 miracles were needed.
1) For God to come and dwell in the human form
2) For the Saviour 's birth to come forth from a virgin
3) For Mary to consent and be part of God's salvific plan
And for him, the greatest miracle was the last one.

The smallest deed is better than the greatest intention.
~ John Burroughs

Revolve

The recent financial crisis seems to rock the world of it's conventional and proven methodology. What used to be "secure" or "safe" deposit suddenly doesn't hold fast anymore. What used to be leading companies turned bankrupt overnight, billionaires became paupers and top management find themselves without jobs. "What has happened to our investments?" - became the talk-of-the-town.

I read with interest at one of the articles in "My Paper" this morning. The writer shared on his investments in life - family & friends. It was an unexpected reminder from the usual financial forecast on the outlook of the economy, industry and fund performance. I started to sit back & ask myself "what were my "investments" for the year 2008? What were my ROI (return on investment)? It has always been said that no dying man will ever list down his regret in life as "not spending enough time at work". But ironically, we revolve our world around career advancement & money-making. I still remember an activity that I used to do - shading on a pie chart (that represent the 24hrs of a day), the time "invested" on the various activities on a typical day in my life. As you have guessed it correctly, I spent the most hours on activities that are deemed the least important.

This year however, I was quite satisified on my "investments". I managed to come home a little earlier from work to play with my nephew & niece. Spending time watching them grow up is my "star" investment - something which will never come by again. Without a ministry this year, I also ended up spending time reaching out to friends & ex-ministry members. I'm rather surprised at this unexpected ROI - knowing them on a deeper level than I previously did when I was in ministry. It is likely that I will stick to this "investment strategy" for the next year. My world will continue to revolve around people.

This was the same strategy that Christ took when He chose the hopeless 12 apostles to be his missionaries. Did He have a Plan B? Nope. And I think that's when the world's first "trust" fund started. It was based on the trust of a solid foundation - the goodness within humankind, created in the blueprint of God's image & likeness. Are we bold enough to revolve our lives on this trust?

"The root of Christian love is not the will to love, but the faith that one is loved"

~ Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation

Evolve

I think one of the criteria we can use to gauge the level of development in a country is the emphasis given to the local arts scene. Looking back at the progress of Singapore, I am a living witness to our country's development, from emphasis on public infrastructure to economic stability and the recent establishment of a local Sports & Arts School.

Looking on a more macro level, how has our world developed? With 15 billion years of evolution, the world today continues to evolve, whether we like it or not. And so, it pays for us to spend some time asking ourselves : how have we evolved and towards what or where are we evolving?What is the benchmark that we should use as a gauge of our evolution?

The current book that I'm reading "The Humility of God ~ A Franciscan Perspective" by Sr. Ilia Delio, seems to suggest some insight. "There is only one Word of God and that Word spoken in history is Christ. God creates with a view toward Christ because Christ is the goal of creation, the object of God's love from all eternity. When we understand that Christ gives meaning and purpose to creation, we see that Incarnation is more than about ridding us of sins. As Zachary Hayes writes, Christ is not an afterthought on the part of God. Rather, God's primary purpose for becoming Incarnate is grounded in the divine desire to love, to be our beginning and our end, to be "God with us," in order that we might dwell in the presence of the divine. In this way, Christ is not an intrusion into an otherwise evolutionary universe. Rather, the whole process of evolution points to Christ. Margaret Pirkl indicates that the universe is an external emodiment of the inner Word of God; thus there is something incarnational throughout the whole creation. In the Incarnation itself there is a perfect fit between Christ and creation because everything has been made to resemble Christ."

I take consolation in what I read above. Knowing where I originated - created in the image & likeness of God. Christ was God's first thought. And because all things came into being through the Word, I bear the blueprint of Christ. Along life's journey, I'm now reassured that I'm not alone. I was not created & forgotten but that through the history of time, God Himself became Incarnated, to enter into my world, to remind - that He is with us. And finally, I'm given a glimpse of where I'm heading - the goal of becoming Christ to all. Yes, this is essentially where my evolution will take me. Each of us has the potential to be Christ whenever we reach out to hear the goodness within our hearts and to live them out in our actions.

Isn't this a nice thought for a change? We often thought of the world in 2080 as one with digitial, robotic, hi-tec accomplishment. We seem to be so caught up with efficiency & science that we neglect the moral & spiritual aspects of our well-being. How about a world evolving to become more loving, caring and forgiving? What's the point of a pro-longed life span (aided by the advancement of science) with a deformed soul? Could we still consider this as evolution?

"God utters each one of us as a little word, as a partial thought of Himself. That is why when the Word became flesh, there was a real "fit" between the divine nature and created human nature to receive the divine Word. From the "beginning," creation has had the capacity to receive God into it because it is a finite expression of the infinite Word of God."

~ Sr Ilia Delio, The Humility of God

Loneliness & Longing

Beware of young people who will walk up to you for a chat. They will pretend to practice their English with you and ask you out for a drink. The bill will then come up to an exorbitant amount, of which they will feign surprise. Yes...this is what the guidebook for Shanghai warned me. True enough, I had a few encounters of these in Shanghai during my recent business trip. They range from pimps, callgals to innocent youths, who attempted to chat, or rather con me.

What gave me away (my identity as a tourist) would probably be the occasional map reference & photo-taking. Whipping out my map and camera will definitely draw unwanted attention from con artistes. When alerted, their role is to confuse/con us. My recent experience reminded me that these "harassment" happened when they knew that I was alone. Perhaps this is the time when one is often forced to confront the harsh needs/emptiness within, and to search for that solution. Some people call these desires, "longing". They can be understood after a lifetime of reflection as something deeper within, which St. Augustine was most commonly quoted "our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee". Or, they can be mistaken "myopically" for the most convenient substitutes. It is not surprising that during these moments of struggles within, these "forbidden fruits" will suddenly present themselves attractively before you. They can come in many forms such as Internet Gaming, Clubbing, Drugs, Phone/Internet Chats/Surfing, TV/Movie Watching, Shopping and the list goes on. Loneliness and longing are neither good nor bad. But how do we confront them? Where do they leave us? Do we use them as excuses to find quick substitutes to numb the pain or do we see them as opportunities for private time in our personal introspection & development?

When these incessant harassments kept coming in a row, I really wished I was in the company of friends in Shanghai. The need to "lay low" and being on the constant look-out for these "predators" are simply nerve wrecking. Maybe the same can be said of my Christian journey - the importance of journeying together in a community. There's a need for us to rely on each other as companions, as "look-outs". During my journey to the various destination spots in Shanghai, my map & camera remain the most important tools. The map allowed me to orientate myself, keeping me in check. My camera allowed me to seize the moment in time, for future introspection & contemplation. Though these are the same tools that attracted the unwanted harassment but they are crucial in my journey. It would be silly of me to give up the fruits/joys to enjoy the scenic spots because of these slight distractions. I just need to remain firm & overcome them when they come along.

In my Christian living, I have come to terms that I can never eradicate loneliness and temptations along the journey. They present as opportunities to be in touch with a deeper longing within or short term desire for quick-fix solutions. The strive to my heavenly home will need my bible (map) and prayer (camera). But using these 2 tools often warrant the initial struggle to fight off distractions (be it internal or external). Many give up for fear of attracting/fighting off the distractions. But they remain essential if I were to get to my destination. Looking back at my journey thus far, I definitely couldn't have made it, had it not been for the company of friends who aided me to fight off the many "predators" and who provided a lamp unto my feet. So, let's not forget all these tools and experiences on our lives' journey.

Loneliness and longing take us beyond ourselves.
Thomas Aquinas once taught that we can attain something in one of two ways: through possession or through desire.
To quote Karl Rahner, only in the torment of the insufficiency of everything attainable do we know that we are more than the limits of our bodies, our present relationships, our jobs, our achievements and the concrete situations within which we live, work and die.

Loneliness and longing let us touch, through desire, God's ultimate design for us. In our longing, the mystics tell us, we intuit the kingdom of God. What that means is that in our desires we sense the deeper blueprint for things. And what is that?

Scripture tells us that the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, of simple bodily pleasure, but a coming together in justice, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. Ultimately, that is what we ache for in our loneliness and longing: consummation, oneness, intimacy, completeness, harmony, peace and justice.

~ Fr. Ronald Rolheiser

Firm Foundation

The world was thrown into disarray recently with news of repeated tainted milk cases coming from China. It is sad how profits could drive one to adulterate milk with melamine. According to Reuters (Beijing), this has resulted in an estimated 94,000 victims in China thus far. Similar cases were beginning to surface in other parts of the world. As if a conspiracy has been set, we were then struck by yet another setback on the global financial sector - the collapse of the century old Lehman Brothers. This has impacted employees, investors, creditors, and government worldwide. The sub-prime mortgage crisis is like a bubble waiting to be burst that has plagued the US financial sector.

What is significant about both tragedies are the impact that they have wrought and the efforts involved to cover up the harm done. These cases teach us a thing or two in life. It is a timely reminder about accountability and the need for a firm foundation. There is simply no short-cuts in life. There comes a day of eventual reckoning. We reap what we sow. The same can be said about those of us in ministry as well. We never know the impact we have on other people's lives. Thus it is frustrating when we encounter people who gloss over what they impart in faith knowledge, or having insufficent preparation for the liturgy (e.g. choir etc). When we stinge on our preparation, how then can we expect the church to grow with passion, wisdom & mission?

But the output is as important as the input. This is the same principle why some banks & milk companies collapse & others do not. In order to do our mission effectively, we need to address the fundamentals - for whom & why are we doing it? We need to get our foundation right. This is probably the reason why many people today get so frustrated & despondent about ministry work. Many people claim that they are doing it for God but left unchecked, the real motive could for self acceptance, recognition, power etc could creep in. Jesus needs to be the foundation upon which we build our mission.

Sometimes, our involvement with ministry started out with good intentions, but along the way, our self interest took control. The questions raised by most frustrated victims of the 2 recent cases were : "how on earth did the actions escape detection?". Somehow, a checklist/control measure was missing or that the corporate culture was so strong that employees (or those in the top management) were led to believe that they did the right thing, and no harm was done. Today, I wonder if I too, have fallen prey to this fallacy. Have I stop to check on my values & actions? Following the crowd may not always necessarily be the right thing to do.

For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit;
For each tree is known by its own fruit.
For figs are not gathered from thorns,
Nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush.
The good man out of the good treasure of his heart produces good,
and the evil man out of his evil treasure produces evil;
for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.
"Why do you call me `Lord, Lord,' and not do what I tell you?
Every one who comes to me and hears my words and does them,
I will show you what he is like:
He is like a man building a house, who dug deep,
And laid the foundation upon rock;
And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house,
And could not shake it,
Because it had been well built.
But he who hears and does not do them is like a man
Who built a house on the ground
Without a foundation; against which the stream broke,
And immediately it fell, and the ruin of that house was great."
~ Luke 6 : 43 - 49

Finding God in Work

I had a good catching up with a friend on Sun for lunch. And it was a timely reminder as we discussed about how we find God in our daily lives and especially so in the most challenging place - work. All the more so for me, who have just switched to a new job.

In my old workplace, I recalled how I would share my faith freely & to say my grace before meals in front of my colleagues. With this new environment, I have somehow stopped all these. Was it a momentarily amnesia as I adapted to my new environment, or was it cos I was ashamed in proclaiming what I believe? I must say the reminder could not be more appropriate. I should only be fearful if my behaviour contradicted to my belief. So yes, a new environment presented a new opportunity again - to share about my faith. I am determined to make God present in my workplace and not just kept in the shelf (church) on every Sunday.

Today I went to work, mindful of finding God in my workplace. As I was walking to my workplace, the radio from one of the cafes was playing the song "Miracle" from the Prince of Egypt movie. "There can be miracle, when you believe...", that's how the line of the chorus went with Mariah Carey singing it. Wow, what a way to start the day! During lunch, I was given the chance to say my grace before meals. It felt a little awkward at first, since my colleagues were mainly non-Christians. But nonetheless, I feel this faith means something to me. I ought to be proud to live it & testify to it. During the end of the day, I received a sms from a church friend who worked in the same area as I did. She informed me that there's a lunch time mass organized on every Tues near my workplace!

What more can I say? It's really not that difficult to find God. Yes, even in the most challenging place. I guess that's what they meant when it is said that we only need to make our first step towards God, and He'll take the rest of the 99 steps towards us. Although He may not necessarily come in the way/form we expect (thunder, dreams, miracles), but He is surely present if we only look (and not see) and listen (and not hear). All it takes, is a simple awareness (examen) and some pondering in our heart, to make meaning of what we experienced. There is no shortcut to this, but a disciplined routine practice, which many before us have come to learn - the art of finding God in our daily lives.

"When you call to me and come and pray to me, I shall listen to you.
When you search for me, you will find me;
When you search wholeheartedly for me, I shall let you find me"

~ Jeremiah 29 : 12 - 14

Being or Doing?

Well, there's this saying that goes, we should always "walk the talk". And it's finally catchin up with me! Like Peter, I am finally put to the test - if I would indeed live out what I preached. It started with the question if I was prepared to face death and there I was - living out that very same question, 1 month later during my op.

In trying to make sense of my operation experience, I found myself answering the same questions again "why am I here?", "what's the purpose of this (extended) life?" (read previous blog entry) Days later, I find myself to be the listening ear for 2 friends. One was deciding whether to accept a new job and the other was facing family/personal issue that affected his ministry work. Strangely, I felt that they have given more meaning to my life than I have ever done for them. I often thought that I have come to terms that "my being" is more important than "my doing". i.e. being a child of God, the Father (who have immensely loved me), is of upmost value than having to do anything to merit His love. But it is in the face of death/life, that everything seems to crumble to reveal the real truth within - a very insecure child. Or perhaps, the work culture in this world has accustom me to, try in every possible way, to "value-add" to this world (yes, incl. of Christian mission). And I suspect that this "contribution to bottom line" will plague most people till the day they die. Knowing that one does make a difference to this world (in however small way that might be) is honestly consoling.

I believe only our heavenly Father really knows me inside-out. Seeing the little child that needs affirmation & encouragement, He has indeed surround me with people who allow me to reach out. In so doing, it has helped me to love, to appreciate myself and to reach out to God. Until the next time I face death, I still have some time to work out on my "being". To know that I can never do anything more/less to merit the love of God. This love has already been poured out unconditionally, since the beginning of eternity. And let's thank our loving Father for that. It is only in getting this foundation right, then can I proceed to "value-add" in the right attitude - serving generously & unconditionally. And it's ok if I can't do it all the time, since the P&L has already been determined - a bountiful surplus. This is certainly a company that we can be assured of lifetime employment with no retrenchment or dismissal.

"When a man falls in love, he seeks the sweet servitude of affection and devotion to another.
When a man falls in love with God, he immediately goes out in search of a neighbour."

~ Fulton Sheen, The World's First Love

Happy Birthday!

This has got to be one of my busiest birthday. The day was spent juggling between lunch with family and preparing myself for my new job the next day. Gosh...another year has slipped by without me realizing it! It was only during the close of the day, upon some quiet reflection could I then appreciate the significance of this day.

Considering my recent surgery (read previous blog entry), to be given another year (and more years to come hopefully) is indeed a blessing. This is something which I have always taken for granted. It has indeed been a frightening but awakening experience. The Devil would have liked us believe that we have eternity to prepare ourselves to meet our Creator but the fact is that we could never count on that.

During my recent sharing about the ordeal that I went through, my colleague reminded me if I had considered the blessings that I have received thus far, prior to entering the operation ward. This thought has never crossed my mind. She asked if I was grateful for the fact that :
1) this was only a minor surgery (could have been worse!)
2) I have accomplished something in life - be it contributions at work, in church etc
3) I have been loved by my family, friends (my parents were with me during my operation)

It is strange how the basic things in life, which we were supposed to give praise for, always ended up being taken for granted. They have become a "given" rather than a gift to appreciate. And this is dangerous when we extend the same attitude into prayer. The whole episode has indeed caught me off guard. I am not as strong/appreciative as I thought I was.

And this timely advice from my colleague seem to remind me of one thing - that my life counts for something. For once, my birthday has taken on a new meaning for me this year. It's no longer anticipating about the gifts or well wishes that will come my way. Rather, it's about what I can give of myself. Each year of life, is indeed a blessing and a gift. And it becomes a gift only when I use it - living it to the fullest. So, when my next birthday arrive, it will be a time of blessing (to be grateful for all that I have received & experienced), and accountability. How have/will I live the remaining 365 days?

I Asked God

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve,
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey;
I asked for health, that I might do greater things,
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things;
I asked for riches, that I might be happy,
I was given poverty, that I might be wise;
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of man,
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God;
I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life,
I was given life, that I might enjoy things;
I got nothing that I asked for - but everything I had hoped for,
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered,
I am among all men, most richly blessed.

~ Author unknown

Vulnerability

Upon reflecting on my recent op, I concluded that there is no easy segregation between a good or bad experience. Often times, it's what we make of it or learn from it. Similarly, a particular situation can draw out our strength and/or weakness. Looking at a rose stalk would have reminded us of the beauty of the flower and the pain of the thorns that stem from it. The op has indeed enlighten me about my own vulnerability - it is not always a strength &/or weakness.

In my case, vulnerability can put the reliance on self or "the other". Pride (in the guise of self-defense) & Vulnerability can grow hand in hand. Through sharing, I learned that there are actually many more like me, who have been through operations (and some sounded worse). If only, I had shared about my fears earlier, perhaps I would have received more relief & a better picture of what to expect. Need for privacy & risk of vulnerability has kept me imprison in my own anxiety. Or more accurately, it was pride which kept me at bay - my reliance on self to solve my own problem, the reluctance to trouble others, the fear of revealing my vulnerability.

For my physical body to restore to its original healthy state, it first require me to go through a certain phase of risk & vulnerability. It is during this time, where I learnt to accept my fraility and the kindness extended through the care givers around me. I sometimes wonder, if nature has been designed to bring us into (as babes) and out of the world (as wise sages, hopefully) with complete reliance on those around us. Perhaps too often, age/efficiency/independence has made us believe that we become burden to others when we rely on them. Mother Teresa, once shared that, if we only knew the good that these poor & marginalized are doing for our souls, when we reach out to help them, we should instead be the ones thanking them. And maybe, the same can be said of my emotional & spiritual health. The paradox of sharing is that though it makes us vulnerable, but it's one sure route to recovery. Unless we share, no one will ever know that we needed help. It is time we recognise & accept that we can never be 100% strong all the time.

Vulnerability can also draw one to close in or to open up to others. In a way, the recent op has develop a sense of compassion within me. Having gone through the op, it makes it easier to reach out to another person in sickness. There is a longing within to tell them that it's ok. I've been there, I know what it's like and I will go through it with you. Suddenly, my eyes are open to a whole new world of experience, where as in the past, I could only watch as a spectator.

But if not careful, vulnerability can also put me under the focus lens. Everything starts to zoom in on me. It was all about me, my feelings, & trying to gain sympathy and attention. My dad tried to offer some comfort by saying that "it's gonna be ok", shortly before my op. But my curt reply to him was, "why don't you lie down on the operating bed and try saying that"? That was an instinctive response as I was too caught up with myfeelings that day (confusion, anxiety, etc). But a colleague help me see things from another perspective - through the lens of "the other". Sometimes, our loved ones do not know the right words to comfort us. They also share our fears. Their words are also meant to console themselves, just as they are for us. They try their best to bring relief to us - in the best that they know. As much as it might be the first jittering experience for me, I had forgotten that it was the same for my dad too : to watch me lying on the operating bed.

It's no wonder then that I couldn't recognise God through my vulnerability. He wasn't reduce to mere lines in the bible, tugged away somewhere. He was whispering to me, through the people around me. All this while, He was ever making Himself present, trying to get my attention. But I have failed to see or speak to Him, as I was simply too engrossed in myself.

"God never gives us something. He always gives us someone."

~ Bro. Michael Broughton

Trial

"If you were to die today, will you be ready to meet the Lord?" - this was a question which plagued me during my World Youth Day. (read previous blog entry) I finally know my answer to that question.

I waited the whole morning at the hospital for my operation. The fear of the unknown, of not knowing what to expect, sent shivers down my spine. As far as I could recall, nothing came close to the anxiety that I went through that morning. My heart pounded and I tried to recall a comforting verse from the databank of my mind, but none surfaced.

The moment finally arrived as I was wheeled into the operating theatre at about 1.50pm on Sep 3. Probably because of the fear that was playing on me, many thoughts dashed through my mind. (But nope, i did not see that tunnel of light or anything like that!) Somehow, i realised that there was nothing that I could anchor my hope in. i.e. something is missing in my life. For once, I was hoping to cling onto something or someone for strength. But I found no such life line. Today, it is only a simple day surgery. But imagine if something worse is to happen. I really do not know where to find the willpower to fight the battle. I felt strange that this realisation should hit home hard on me. I wonder if this experience is highlighting a void within my life.

The surgery went well but the thought continue to linger within me as I reflect on my ordeal. Perhaps all this while, I've been going through life, running on an auto-pilot, habitual routine. I haven't reflected deeper into my life. Thus, it took a surgery (a life-threatening encounter) to bring this to light. On a cursory examination, I wondered if it could be attributed to :

a) my lack of a love/family life? ('cause from most drama shows that I watched, they often give the patient, played by the leading actor/actress, courage & strength to fight life's battle with sickness)
b) the fact that I'm still young & not ready to die? (but then again, who is ever ready to die? So, a more appropriate questioning might rather be : what haven't I achieve/accomplish in life that left me with regrets?)
c) the idea that I thought I was loved by God but maybe this hasn't quite been fully/completely experienced within me? Is that why I don't feel the least comforted at all?
d) my faith that was built on my accomplishment and actions but no/little reliance on God? Maybe my faith has been centered round my doing (my own reasoning, chosing what I want to believe) but becomes weak when I realise that I could no longer depend on myself but on Him whom I have to rely solely for my deliverance. The gap surfaced when I have to surrender myself (& my control) to Him who will take over the unknown hitherto.

Obviously, the whole encounter has shaken me up a little. But still, I need to do more soul-searching and I know this is going to take some time. Where is God in this? What & where is He leading me? Nontheless, even with all my questions unanswered, I'm still grateful for this whole experience. Because it brought me an inch further to preparing myself for my death. Hopefully, the next time that I encounter such a similar experience, I will be better equipped.

In the meantime, I'm confident that these questions stem from a healthy relationship of wanting to know myself & God better. It is only through this questioning can I bring our relationship further to a higher plane. So Lord, guide me to live the words of St. Paul, your martyr, who proclaim so convincingly,

"For I am certain of this : neither death nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nothing already in existence and nothing still to come, nor any power, nor the heights nor the depths, nor any created thing whatever, will be able to come between us and the love of God, known to us in Christ Jesus our Lord."

~ Romans 8:38 - 39

Fear & Anxiety

"There's a 5% chance that people who is under GA (General Anasthesia) will suffer a heart attack or stroke, but that's only a slim chance", the anasthetic doctor told me as part of my pre-op preparation. I was later briefed about my operation procedure when I'm under GA. What sounded like a simple op, didn't sound too assuring thereafter. That was 1 week ago.

Tonight, fear pounded me like never before as I prepare myself mentally for my op the next day. I was scheduled for a "right-hemithyroid" day surgery. Somehow, although I was assured by people around me that everything will turn out well, but that didn't bring relief. Even the meal that I take, seemed like a "last supper" for me. I wonder when I will be able to eat as freely as I wanted again. Is that what a prisoner, who is about to be hung, undergo the night before? For once, I could relate to both the Last Supper & the Garden of Gesethmane passages. It must have been a difficult, anguishing moment for our Lord. I'm sure, He carried within him a heavy heart. Perhaps one that allows Him to relate and comfort us "Come unto me, all you who are heavily burdened and I will give you rest" ~ Mt 11:28

A priest once shared that the worst form of spiritual warfare may not necessary be one with the Devil. Rather, our deepest fears & anxieties could be the worst form of enemy. It cripples us of our ability to trust & hope - our source of strength & joy. This is why we pray during mass "...deliver us Lord from ALL our anxieties, as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our Lord Jesus..." As I long for someone to share his/her experience with me or words of comfort, I'm sure that is what the Lord was longing for, when He brought along His 3 disciples that night. Silence seems deafening tonight. I could relate to the weakness that our Lord went through. The kind of solace one needs when you hit rock bottom. One that made us cry from within our deepest confusion : "My Lord, my Lord, why have you forsaken me?" Everything that I touch/see seem to be the last time for me. Yes, I sound like an over-exagerrated drama king but that is what I went through within me. Words will never be adequate even right now. At least, for me, I know that I will return alive but for the Lord... Imagine for a moment, that you will be giving up your life the next day! Unless you have undergone such a life-threatening experience, it is worth our while not to gloss over these 2 final passages of love from the Lord. Tonight, these passages became alive & personal for me.

As I reflected on these passages, a fleeting thought crossed my mind. Perhaps I should pray over myself (for healing)! Afterall, that day's gospel reading is on the curing of Simon Peter's mother-in-law in Mk 1:30. Maybe, the passage meant something. But somehow, I was quick to check on myself. The act would be good but the intent didn't sit well with me. What I was after was an easy way out of my situation - instant healing, without taking up my cross. But that isn't what the Lord did. Rather, He chose to spend His time in prayer during His last night on earth. To seek solace & to find comfort in Him who is The Rock, The Fortress, My Refuge. I know the night is going to be long, the future uncertain. How I wish tomorrow never come. But despite these negative thoughts, I could only believe that He has a plan. That this experience will help me somehow in life and maybe in reaching out to others. For now, I could only pray the words that the Lord has taught me "Abba! Father! All things are possible for you. Take this cup away from me. Yet not what I want but what you want."

"Let nothing disturb thee, Let nothing affright thee,
All things are passing, God changeth never.
Life is to life in such a way that we are not afraid to die."

~ St Teresa of Avila

Trust & Relationship

It was brought to my attention recently about a member in a ministry who has been quite "touchy" towards his fellow younger members. This has upset many in that community and people have started to distance themselves from him. Around the same time, I also discovered another member in another ministry who has been cheating on his gf. He has been two-timing his gf, and even introducing both gals to the Catholic faith! All this came as a shock to me as I try to make sense of what was presented before me. They seem to be God-fearing, righteous people yesterday and today their hidden lives seem to bring about pain & confusion to those around them.

When is trust broken and how did it begin in the first place? I find myself pondering over this issue as I sat on the dentist chair tonight, waiting for the dreaded polishing and scaling of my teeth. It's funny how trust could be broken by people you seem to know for so long and yet it could also be easily earned by complete strangers. I realise how my r/ship with this dentist started - I took a leap of faith to trust in his expertise and experience has proven him to be a dedicated professional. On another level, I experienced disappointment among the people that I have trusted within the Catholic community. They seem to have deviated from a level of unspoken expectation & behaviour within a r/ship.

Perhaps my r/ship with God is sometimes like that. At times, it is smooth sailing with no questions asked and other times, I experience disappointment & the urge to distance myself from Him. I think trust can come in many levels. On one level, we can trust someone but yet not establish any r/ship (as in my case with the dentist). On the other hand, we can trust someone based on a r/ship, but with no complete understanding of the other party (as mentioned in the above example). Thus, let us not be happy when we say that we completely "trust" God. Perhaps, what we are really saying is that we trusted in His expertise and nothing has yet to go wrong in our lives. But is there a r/ship? On the same note, let us not be unduly panicky when we sense that our trust in God is broken. Perhaps, we are being challenged to a new level of our r/ship. What might be happening is that we are forced to confront our unspoken expectation in this r/ship. What is our expectation of God and how do we expect Him to act or behave? When something falls short, we can either choose to walk away from that r/ship or to re-evaluate our expectation and understanding. Only when that happens, can there be the start of healing, acceptance and a new level of r/ship.

In both earlier cases, the parties concerned would have to come to terms in accepting that this is the same righteous and fragile/imperfect child of God that they knew. Though they have 2 different sides to their nature, but they belong to the same coin. It is now our choice - to walk away with disappointment or to confront our expectation and to accept, & forgive them; to allow this painful experience be the start of a healing & reconcilatory dialogue and understanding. Maybe, it is not just their human nature, but also our understanding that has been imperfect and incomplete. Let not fear (of covering up) or the truth (of someone) cripple us. Perhaps then, this is the start of real trust. And the same applies in our human r/ship with one another & with God.

"I am afraid to tell you who I am,
because, if I tell you who I am,
You may not like who I am,
and it's all that I have."

~ John Powell (SJ), Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am?

Faith-Book

A fren once asked me why I go about profile-surfing on people in Facebook. And I thought to myself : Why not? Shouldn't this be the case?

An article on 13 Aug in Straits Times, shares how some youths surveyed felt that Facebook (touted to be the most popular social net-working site) did not help enhance their relationships. And the reason is not unfamiliar to most of us. It is easy to add a friend. But what happens next? How much of these "friends" do we really know or bother to find out? If not careful, Facebook could reduce to a number game. And when that happens, it can become a competitive game whereby we boast our popularity by the number of frens we have amassed. A chat with many friends revealed that many of them were not aware that I have a blog (even though my blog address was clearly stated on my facebook). On the same survey finding published by Straits Times, some have also commented that gossips/curiosity about their friends' dates, profiles, blogs has also become one of the reasons why they were addicted to Facebook.

So, I guess it's too early to comment if Facebook is indeed helpful in our "networking". It is about a choice of usage. It requires some occasional soul-searching. Inevitably, this led me to question my motive to join Facebook and to answer my fren's question. I was first invited to Facebook by a close friend, (read previous blog entry) who has passed away . Back then, I wasn't interested to join any of these on-line networking, as I think it was a waste of time. Well, that was not untill his untimely death in Dec. Since then, I often regreted. I have lost a friend and a part about him through the profile/pictures in his facebook. He could never click to accept my friendship in Facebook and be counted as one of my "inner circle". Ironically, becos of him, I decided to come online - to make a difference. Yes, to reach out and to treasure others (while I still can), whom I may otherwise not have the opportunity due to physical/time barrier. To thank God for the gift of friendship which I have often belittled & taken for granted. And thus perhaps becos of this, I find it important to get in touch with my friend's situation, to drop an occasional mail to those whom I have lost contact or are gradually losing contact. I must say that I have yet to get in touch with all 160 friends (as of today), but I am still working on it!

But much more than just knowing/re-connecting with someone, Facebook today has also extended to business networking, marketing for classes & investments etc. I too hope that Facebook and this blog can also serve another purpose. That I can use this to share my faith, and my struggles in life with others. That I can reach out to one more person - to let them know that they are not alone in their faith. Perhaps then, one day, this will not be just a Facebook but also a Faithbook. In this new age of technology, perhaps we can build online global Christian communities like how the early Christian community in Acts 2 started. Imagine the speed, possibilities & the new ways of evangelizing that has come about in this exciting new millennium!

"The person who has been evangelized goes on to evangelize others. It is unthinkable that a person should accept the Word and give themselves to the kingdom without becoming a person who bears witness to it and proclaims it in turn."

~ Pope Paul VI, on Evangelization in the Modern World (EN)

Review of WYD Experience

NEVER-ENDING

One of the scariest revelation that I discover when I completed my 30 week Ignatian retreat is that - the retreat never ends! Yup, that's what my SD said! A retreat, like any good session or pilgrimage allows us a temporary get-away to focus on our existing relationship with God. Thus, how can it ever end, since my relationship with God is an on-going one? With that, although the WYD has come to an official close, but I think it's really just the beginning of my journey. I left WYD enriched with :

1) Renewed Hope
On the first few days of WYD, I look around and saw some disinterested youths during some of the events. They were talking when mass is going on etc. I wonder if they should even be at WYD at all! I was quite disappointed at these youths - where's the hope for tomorrow? But few days later, when I thought that I was the only one who would be interested in some cathechetical sessions in the Youth Festival, I met 2 different groups of youths. Um...there are youths who are interested in our Catholic faith afterall! Who says they are not? They do bother to find out more about their faith. There is hope! Afterall, didn't God put His faith in the apostles who abandoned him originally? After 2000 yrs, isn't He still putting His trust in our church thus far? I too, have hope in our youths and future. I am certain they will receive the Power and make a difference in the Church tomorrow. This is God's church and God's mission!

2) Renewed Fervour
Though I was initially saddened by the disinterest & passiveness from some of the youths that I saw around me, but somehow it didn't cripple me. Instead, it became a motivator for me. The lack of appreciation for God somehow drove me to want to make Him more known & loved. I'm not sure how. If the others don't get it, perhaps the problem lies not with them but with me. Perhaps somewhere along the way, I have failed to explain it in a more simpler way. Or maybe, I have sterotyped God - expecting Him to reach out to the youth in a particular manner in a designated time. But when & how God comes into the lives of us is always a mystery. (I am but also a living example as I recount my own conversion story) And it is not my place to decide. I am called, like John the Baptist to pave the way. Indeed, "Christ must increase, and I must decrease". There are still many who have yet to know Christ but every drop in the ocean counts!

3) Renewed Inspiration
After all that is over, I left WYD with a vision - of making MAGIS available to our youths in Singapore. I sincerely believe it is a wonderful program that allows youths to encounter God in their day-day living and through their own interpretation. In the meantime, I need to pray about this and I hope to find enough people from my WYD/MAGIS group to make this happen. If not soon, I hope MAGIS will come to Singapore one day.

"As your Spirit calls to rise, We will answer and do Your will.
We will forever testify, of Your mercy and unfailing love.
Alleluia! Alleluia!
Receive the Power, from the Holy Spirit
Alleluia! Alleluia!
Receive the Power, to be a light unto the world"

~ Theme Song for World Youth Day, Sydney 2008

WYD Special - WYD (D+5) Reflection

STAND UP FOR YOUR FAITH

Honestly, i couldn't figure out why we must go through a vigil with the Pope to mark the closing of WYD. Is this really necessary? Braving the cold winter night outdoor, breathing the dust at the racecourse, crowding with many other thousands of pilgrims for a bed space, toilet facilities (yes, the list of complaints go on)....Though i may not necessary possess a satisfactory answer but the vigil has taught me a thing or two...

1) Faith is not a bed of roses
It is one thing to declare that Jesus is Alive in the comfort & warmth of my home and it's another thing to share this faith with many others when the going gets tough. Having to carry my own sleeping bag, mat & outdoor clothes, to travel a journey to the racecourse for the vigil is no laughing matter. No roses, only a bed of dust awaits. But the Gospel text reminded us that whoever wants to be a disciple of Christ must first learn to deny himself, take up the cross & follow Him. The final acid test is here : how far will I go for Jesus?

2) Faith is not a lonely journey
Faith is never about me & my sweet Jesus only. It is feeling solidarity with our brothers & sisters. Tonight, i finally got to experience what it means to be out in the cold & to feel hungry. Faith is about awareness that my bro/sis around me is in want/need. Reaching the Racecourse, I noticed how 2 frens were accompanying a handicapped fren to the vigil. They took turns throughout the night to ensure that their fren is kept warm. Wherever possible, they tried to help him out of his wheelchair, to stand up & feel the atmosphere - the spirit of the energy & the sure presence of our Lord. That to me, is faith. I'm not there just to receive, but also, what have i given (of myself)? That is, a more important question than "what's in it for me?"

3) Faith is about witnessing
"stand up and be counted" so they say. Perhaps not in the literal sense of every word. As we left Randwick after the night out, I notice a gal on her wheelchair. Ever wonder why these people go through the length for the vigil? It beats me. Our faith is only made possible cos of the many people who believed & died for their faith. It is handed down to us so that we too, might believe. I often complain & grumble & challenge the many things we do. But looking at this lady on a wheelchair reminded me to count my blessing and not take my faith for granted. It's time to "Rise Up" & witness to my faith!

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.
~ Hebrews 11 : 1

WYD Special - WYD (D+4) Reflection

Be Still And Know That I Am God!

Silence has many dimensions. It can be a regression and an escape, a loss of self, or it can be presence, awareness, unification, self-discovery. Negative silence blurs and confuses our identity, and we lapse into daydreams or diffuse anxieties. Positive silence pulls us together and makes us realize who we are, who we might be, and the distance between these two.

— Thomas Merton quoted in Thomas Merton: Essential Writings edited by Christine M. Bochen

Being aware of the 2 possible outcomes that silence bring, I find myself in a dilemma when we journey towards Randwick for our Vigil with the Pope. A small group of us has decided to take the shorter route, 3km walk to Randwick vs the proposed 19km walk. But I believe that the length of the journey is not as important as what we do during the journey - sharing our faith & encountering our Lord. Yes, I pray that this may be our Emmaus Walk. As such, I suggested that our group take short breaks for personal reflection, along the journey. Was it right of me to make this suggestion?

Indeed, I was humbled & enriched by what the Lord has revealed to me through our wonderful group. For our group, silence brought about :

1) Times of Refreshing. Away from the imperfect day to day living with our peers (bearing with their complaints & demands), some of us are once again reminded to love like our Lord Jesus and to examine our own failings. Suddenly, we began to see the logs in our eyes, rather than the specks in others. Indeed, the hardest part of my journey was to come to terms with my imperfections - impatience, selfishness, sarcasm & many more. The silence reminded us of our purpose (the source & goal) of this pilgrimage - to encounter our Good Lord. We are strengthened by the silence. Though no words are exchanged, but we are comforted by the Lord's presence as we pause for a moment for prayer in St. Peter's Church.

2) Moments of Gratitude. Away from the familiarity, some of us are reminded of the people whom we have often taken for granted - parents. Yes, we miss their smiles, and care. It is an irony that they only became closer to us when we are physically apart. I, too, need to show more appreciation when I return home. But for now, I also realise that I am travelling from home (physical) to another home-coming (spiritual). Although we were travelling together side by side, as representatvies of different countries, but as pilgrims, we were all heading towards the same destination - Randwick (and perhaps heaven some day). We need to claim & live out our identities as true sons & daughters of our loving Father and brothers & sisters to one another. Yes, we do not relate only by blood ties, but by our spiritual bonds, care & love for one another. So, let us be grateful for the people that God has sent into our lives (yes, even the "difficult ones"). The least we do unto our brethren, we do it unto the Lord.

3) The Hour of Truth - Silence opens the senses in our hearts to the world around us. One of our group members shared how he witnessed an old couple supported each other on their journey. Despite his old age, the old man was still lovingly supporting his wife with one hand, while he relied himself on a walking stick with the other hand. It wasn't stamina that brought him through, love did. Love allow us to see one another as gifts and not burdens. Our senses have also awaken us to the presence of God in the creation around us. Indeed, this silence has allowed us to see (& not look), and to listen (& not hear).

Silence is God's first language; everything else is a poor translation. In order to hear that language, we must learn to be still and to rest in God.

~ Thomas Keating quoted in The Sun & Moon Over Assisi by Gerard Thomas Straub

WYD Special - WYD (D+3) Reflection

Keeping Awake

This has got to be one of my worst day for the entire WYD experience. I'm beginning to feel the fatigue & soreness in my throat. Yup, a flu is definitely brewing up. I need to get some rest if I were to continue with my journey. It will only get worse tomorrow, esp with the overnight vigil at Randwick. It's going to be cold. And if I don't get enough rest today to build my immunity, I will definitely be down & out by tomorrow.

Thus, I decided to stay in today instead of joining my WYD group for the Stations of The Cross. After taking a 2hr nap in the afternoon, I went down to re-unite with them for an evening concert. That night, I learned that my group had a wonderful experience at the Stations, in St. Mary's Cathedral. They were able to pray with the Stations since they were well executed (with live actors re-enacting the whole scene). Most commented that they were touched by the acting, esp. the role of Jesus, who was stripped bare chested, facing the cold winter winds. In addition to that, my group also had the opportunity of coming upclose & personal with the Pope. He was only 30m away, when he came out to give the blessing to the pilgrims!

At this, my heart sank. I wished I was also present. If only, I hadn't given in to my temptation to sleep. *Sigh* Yes, I'm once again reminded of the scene in the Garden of Gethsamane. The Lord must have wanted to reveal/pass down his last words to the 3 close apostles whom he has taken with him. They often say that the words/actions of a dying man would be the most important thing that he wishes to communicate. Perhaps, the Lord too, has much to reveal to me through the Stations. But alas, I gave in to temptation. Yes, if I could, I would definitely give up anything to turn back the hands of time. I would have persevere (even if I had to risk running a fever) so that I could participate in the event. Perhaps this is how the 3 apostles must have felt too. Perhaps they too, have had a long day. They too, must have experienced disappointment, guilt and shame upon later introspection of their actions.

I've come across this passage many times. The first impression is to judge the 3 apostles as lazy, weak and that I can do a better job. But this experience has taught me to seek understanding first. Afterall, this is what I am really seeking when I try to give reasons/make excuses. What makes a regret bearable is the understanding of the other party. This is definitely a job that Jesus does best. He transforms regrets to determinations. Perhaps this is what gave courage to the good thief who dared ask for Paradise with Jesus.

"I look at Jesus. He looked at me and He understood." ~ The Good Thief

Create in me a clean heart, O God,and put a new and right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence,and take not thy holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of thy salvation,and uphold me with a willing spirit. Then I will teach transgressors thy ways,and sinners will return to thee.

~ Ps 51 : 10 - 13

WYD Special - WYD (D+2) Reflection

WHO DO YOU SAY I AM?

A recent internet poll on the WYD official website cited "meeting the Pope to be" the most popular reason amongst pilgrims going for the WYD. The truth be told, that seems to work for the majority, except me. : ( My main intention for this trip was to explore Sydney since I haven't been there. um...Pope, WYD was secondary.

Today, we arrive at Barangaroo to attend the opening prayer service with the Pope. As usual, our walk to the venue was filled with much energy, passion & joy! Pilgrims marching side by side, singing our hymns, raising our flags high. Prior to the opening mass, I still can't figure out why the fuss about meeting the Pope. But on reaching the site, I realised that our group actually got the prime space, near the stage! Wow...I find myself eagerly weaving into the crowd to get nearer to the stage. Strangely, I too, was hoping to get a good picture shot of the Pope & (maybe) even shake his hands! Yes, with all the on-site excitement from the crowds, the 60" projector screens highlighting the cruise of the Pope to our destination, I found myself succumbing to the atmosphere & sensation. Yes, crowds were screaming & slight jostling was experienced when we finally caught sight of the Pope on stage. I dare say that the reception for the Pope is definitely not beneath those accorded to top celebrities walking down the red carpet for their Oscar awards.

However, as the Pope was delivering his message to the audience, I could barely hear him. The sound system wasn't too clear and to make matters worse, the crowd was filled with chattering. Um...this seems like a fan club gathering! Isn't God's message more important than the vehicle who delivers it? This really kept me pondering if there's a need to purify our motive to attend the WYD. Shouldn't we be there to encounter God, rather than to meet the Pope? I wonder... Why are we hankering to get good shots of him and not to press our ears for a line/phrase that may touch/inspire our hearts? Is our Holy Father, the "vicar of Christ" that we proclaim or is he merely a celebrity that is framed in the pictures that we take?

But this reality reminds me of the familiar Gospel scene 2000yrs ago. Many crowds followed Jesus. They must have witnessed the numerous spectalcular healings, exorcisms which He carried out in His ministry. Even King Herod was a fan of Jesus. But when Jesus proclaimed Himself to be the ordinary Bread from heaven, many left. Many a times, Jesus must have experienced the popularity, the pressure from the crowd - to be made their King. But at the height of all this sensation, Jesus ask only 1 question : Who do you say I am? This is the same question I find myself asking during my last pilgrimage to Israel (@Caesarea Philipi) last year. Who is Jesus to me? It is a personal question that demands a personal answer.

Today's crowds do not differ from those 2000yrs ago if we lose sight of our focus on the message (instead of the vehicle), and the role that God wants to play in our lives. God did not come as someone sensational or who is a projection of our own imagination - a hero, a miracle healer, modern day Santa Claus (granting wishes), a scapegoat (someone to blame when things go wrong). He comes to us in the midst of life's montony, to journey with us. He encounters us in the person of our father/mother, friend, colleague, boss, subordinate, brother/sister, son/daughter, when we carry out our mudane responsibilities. And so, can I embrace the fact that He is not confined only to the high sensation that one gets in a powerfully charged retreat, or a healing miracle that we witnessed or the close friends that we have bonded in the WYD experience? But that Jesus is all things for me in the ordinary lives of the people I meet in my routine day-day living. A God, just like one of us. Someone ordinary, but who loves in such an extraordinary way.

There is nothing profane here below for those who have eyes to see. Everything is sacred. The entire creation, including every person, is a sacrament of God because within each and every thing, in some way, God is hidden.

~ Ilia Delio : The Humility of God (a Franciscan perspective)

WYD Special - WYD (D+1) Reflection

Purpose Driven Life

When the Purpose Driven Life book by Rick Warren was first out, it resulted in sell-out success across many Christian bookstores. And the most probable reason is 'cos this book prompts us to search & answer life's ultimate questions on "why am I here?", "what's the purpose of my life?". Regardless of age, these are classic questions which one raises from time to time.

I find myself pondering critically over this as I sat down for my dinner, after the Asian Night performance at Olympia, Sydney. I was hungry and only ate my dinner at 10pm after rushing from place to place for the Youth Festival (catechetical program), while everyone else has already taken their dinner. Why did I rush from place to place today? What have I gained in the end? Is it worth it? These thoughts ran through my mind as I chew my food grudgingly at Macs. I just had Macs two nights ago and was definitely hoping for a change of menu. But I had no such luck as most stores have already been closed since 7pm.

Just then, I noticed a long purse at the foot of the table, where I was eating. Has someone dropped it accidentally? Is this going to be my lucky day? Will I get an unexpected windfall from the wallet? I waited a while before realising that a fellow pilgrim (from another country), seated opposite me, has just left the seat. She returned and continued to chat with her friends. I waited for a few minutes before clarifying with her. She looked at the wallet on the floor and sighed a huge relief, before picking it up.

A thought suddenly flashed through : What if, my purpose for tonight, was merely to brighten another pilgrim's day by preventing the loss of her wallet? I took heart to know that I could have been chosen by God to make a difference in someone's else's life. Having lost some things in life, I can imagine how difficult & frustrating the whole process might be, esp. for someone who lose their personal belonging in a foreign land. Isaiah 43:3-4 reminds us of how God gave up nations & people in exchange for Israel (us). We are who & where we are today, as a result of the people whom God has sent into our lives to prepare us. Looking at my own conversion & faith journey, I know this is true. Reflecting on all that has happened, I can only be grateful for the turn of today's events. I would not have chosen to live it otherwise. Nothing beats being there for someone. Perhaps, I've been prepared for this day. And Perhaps, I've also planted a seed of faith today.

Soon, I found myself shifting the thought from "what/how can I gain" to "how can I serve You, Lord, better?" Though we often ask about life's ultimate questions, but perhaps, part of their answers are to be found from without (in the other party), and not just from within (ourselves). And the answer cannot be more simple than this : We are made in the image & likeness of God, whose DNA is none other than love. And love isn't love until it is given away (to the other party).

"The simplest way to describe God's poverty & humility is in terms of love. Love gives itself away - this is God's poverty. Love turns towards the other so it can give itself to the other - this is God's humility. In the Incarnation, God turns towards us through the Son/Word and gives (him)self to us as love.

~ Ilia Delio, The Humility of God : A Franciscan Perspective

WYD Special - WYD Reflection

COMM-UNITY

On the first day of our WYD, I was totally unprepared for the massive crowd that appeared before my eyes. While we were on our way to Bangagaroo for our opening mass, I could see numerous church groups that came together from all over the world. Each group of pilgrims was holding on proudly to their country's flag. It was so exciting & awesome! People move in herds, singing hymns, & shouting cheers. It showed me another face of the Catholic Church which I've not seen before - a church so full of joy & hope. A church that despite its diversity, could still come together to celebrate our commonality - the one universal, catholic & apostalic church. It almost seemed as if the church had just experienced a great Pentecost. So, who says that the Catholic Church is a sleeping giant?

Like many others, our S'pore group (51 of us) from the church of St. Ignatius was also excited & proud to be there. And during the journey to Bagangaroo, I learnt a few tricks on how to avoid losing one another :

1) travel in the same pace. That means sometimes, having to slow down/hasten our pace or even waiting for one another.
2) the need for accountability - that means keeping each other in the loop of your whereabouts (even if it means a few minutes of toilet visit) + your contactability.
3) Hold on to one another. At some point, we literally had to hold on to each other's hands/bags to avoid losing one another in the scuffle & jostle.
4) the need for a marker - in our case, it is none other than the flag bearer. We need to keep our eyes fixed on the flag so as not to lose our way. But even if we do, we can always come back with the help on the flag that is raised high above the crowds.

I guess, the same could be said of my faith journey in a community. I recalled leaving church at the age of 15 - 17 as a result of not following the above pointers. I'm grateful to be where I am in my faith today, as a result of my community (Doulos Adonai) that has nutured my faith. So,

1) thank you for slowing down when I tried to seek God with all my heart for the first time in my life. You have so generously shared & witnessed your faith to me. You have taught me what P&W is, the Word of God & the various church teaching.
2) thank you for being my prayer buddy, encouraging me in my faith walk and keeping me in check on my spiritual health.
3) for the times when I was down and wanted to leave the group, you have continued to support me through your friendship, prayers and love. I couldn't break free because you have held on so tightly to me.
4) thank you for being my role model in your own individual way. I couldn't have been more inspired to be a leader (in my own way) had you not led in your own examples.

Although waiting for each other seems to be a waste of time, but the need to travel TOGETHER cannot be overemphasized. I learn that the need for unity is sometimes more important than efficiency, that the process of traveling is more fulfilling than the destination. And that, to my understanding, is the life of a comm-unity.

"Only when we see ourselves in our true human context, as members of a race which is intended to be one organism and "one body," will we begin to understand the positive importance not only of the successes but of the failures and accidents in our lives. My successes are not my own. The way to them was prepared by others. The fruit of my labours is not my own : for I am preparing the way for the achievements of another. Nor are my failures my own. They may spring from the failure of another, but they are also compensated for by another's achievement. Therefore, the meaning of my life is not to be looked for merely the sum total of my achievements. It is seen only in the complete integration of my achievements and failures with the achievements and failures of my own generation, and society, and time. It is seen, above all, in my integration in the mystery of Christ.

~ Thomas Merton, No Man Is An Island

WYD Special - Pre WYD (D-1) Reflection

EVANGELIZATION

Today, I ventured into St. Andrew's Cathedral (Anglican Church), next to Queen Victoria Building. An elderly couple greeted me. After realizing that I was a Catholic, they tried to evanglize to me, quoting that faith is the key to justification and not good works. Yes, I cld see a little red sea parting in our conversation. But what striked me halfway through our conversation was her question : to what extent are you willing to give up your life for God, right now? If you were to meet Him now, do you think you are ready?

Wow....what morbid questions to start WYD! i definitely wanted to meet the Pope first, Jesus later....but somehow, these distrubing questions lingered within me. What am I prepared to give up for God? The couple was sharing with me on how their son gave up his high paying job to become a pastor and to migrate to Sydney. That was certainly a modern Abraham before me. What about me? um...the Lord is indeed inviting me to go deeper with Him in our relationship. Yes, will my response be like the rich young man in the Gospel? God certainly has a unique way to appear in the most unlikely place, at the most inappropriate time and via the "not exactly the type of people you like to meet" to bring about His evangelization. I was definitely looking for inspiration through the WYD event, not somewhere here.

Then just as I stepped into the busy corner of Queen Victoria Building, I witnessed another form of evangelization. This time, it is from my fellow pilgrims. As you can see from the video (see bottom of this entry), it's another subtle, friendly & cheery form of evangelization. Yes, I am suddenly aware that WYD is finally here. It has started. Will I be brave enough like them, to do such a street evangelization, esp. at the heart of the city? Will I be willing to make a fool out of myself, to spread the word of God? I was really touched by the sight before me. I often wonder, if St. Peter was to live in our present day, would he also choose this form of evangelization for his message in Acts Chap 2 : Courageously picking a busy junction, to proclaim the death & resurrection of our Lord, just as these people did.

The silly me, with my high & lofty aspirations to evangelize, has indeed been humbled by what I learn today :
1) Evangelization can take place anywhere, at any occasion, and with anyone (yes, even those you least expected)
2) I need to recall how I was first evangelized (recalling the last time I was evangelized/touched by someone's sharing/actions etc) and to take that as my inspiration
3) Yes, it takes more than courage but also THICK-SKIN! haha. Evangelization can come in various forms - via tense challenging questions, and sometimes, in light-hearted manner. Yes, maybe even in a dance/song! (um....maybe, just maybe, even through this blog)

But, it's always the same Lord we proclaim and the same Holy Spirit who gives the inspiration to invite/remind/challenge us to what we need to hear/think/do.

“Preach the gospel at all times; use words if necessary.”
~ St. Francis of Assisi

WYD Special - Pre WYD (D-2) Reflection

WAITING...

Upon a friend's recommendation, we arrive at Manly Beach today to partake in their famous fish n chips. As we stroll along the beach after lunch, I was fascinated by the beauty of the vast sea before me. I decided to take a short rest, before whipping my camera out for some pictures.

Any photographer will tell you that apart from skills, taking a good picture requires patience. One needs to wait for the "right moment" to capture the essence of the subject, be it the atmosphere, the mood or the expression. And the wait can be exasperating, anxious, hopeful or joyful for different people. So, it is for me. Coming from a fast-paced country where "efficiency" is the essential survival skill, I got exasperated in trying to get a good shot. I can't wait for some "redundant" people to move away from my lens so that they don't "spoil" my photos. And then I have to wait for the waves to come in quickly so that I can get a good shot of some dudes surfing on their boards.

But strangely enough, nature sometimes have their own course to run. And some things just cannot be hurried. And we can put this "waiting time" to good use. Before the next onslaught of waves rushed in, I saw these surfers peddling themselves further into the ocean. Once the waves come, they would steady themselves on their boards to ride the waves. The same could be said for me as I waited for the arrival of WYD. To encounter Christ through the event, I got to wait.

As part of our WYD prep, we have already been warned by veterans of past WYD participants, that THERE WILL BE lots of waiting. Waiting for transport, food, etc. But waiting need not necessarily be wasted. Like the surfers, there's something to be learnt, to be put to good use.

And so, what happened during the course of WYD was that while queeuing for toilets, I took this "wasted time" to know my fellow pilgrims - to exchange faith stories.

So, the next time I deemed waiting as a waste of time, I need to review this thought again. Perhaps, I'm missing out something here. 'Cos if nature has a "waiting time" built into its course, then perhaps, I too need to weave that into my life as well.

And before I know it, dawn has arrived. Yes, we have waited for this moment. It's once again, time for me to take out that camera for another shot. And Thank You Lord, for allowing me to wait for this moment to encounter You in this beautiful sunset.

"I wait for the LORD,
My soul waits,

And in his word I hope;
My soul waits for the LORD
More than watchmen for the morning,
More than watchmen for the morning.

O Israel, hope in the LORD!
For with the LORD there is steadfast love,
And with him is plenteous redemption.
And he will redeem Israel from all his iniquities."

~ Ps 130 : 5 - 8

WYD Special - Pre WYD (D-3) Reflection

SYDNEY!

Well, the moment I've been waiting for is finally here! After checking into YHA, we went to George Street to explore Sydney. As we roamed the streets, I came across some demonstrators. They were playing in a band to get people's attention. Some of them carried a long banner, while others solicited for petitions from bystanders to support their cause for human rights.

Their actions amused me initially. What are they trying to do? Do people really care about their cause? But on a more serious note, I wonder "why do they even do it?", "Does it make a difference?" With every 100 people who passed by, perhaps they were looking for that 1-2 people who would stop and make a stand - to support their cause for human rights. And that's all they needed - to make their cause known & to get people to pause amidst their busy-ness. To remind them that despite how small their efforts may be (by just penning down their signatures), it is, at least, a good start.

Looking at this sight, I can't help but wonder if this upcoming WYD could also make this difference. Despite the massive traffic problems that we pilgrims have brought to Sydney, it is my prayer that we could evangelise to the residents here. That even though the world around us continue to rush about their day, some 150,000 registered pilgrims from all over the world, has chosen to set aside a week in Sydney, to proclaim an important truth. I hope people could question our "why" rather than the "what" we are here. We have come to witness to our cause - that Jesus is Alive! We have come together, despite our diversity to share in this 1 common, catholic faith. Though I still do not know what role I play in this WYD, but I'm glad to be part of these 150,000 pilgrims. What & how do we make that difference? I dunno.

Towards the end of our WYD week, I met an Australian lady (from Melbourne) at St. Mary's Cathedral. She turned around & told me : Thanks to you pilgrims, our Prime Minister has made the announcement today, that we will have a dedicated ambassador to the Vatican City. (In the past, they have 1 ambassador that was shared between Ireland & Vatican). You have all made that difference. It is a start of a deepening relationship between
Australia & The Vatican.

I can't help but to thank God silently in my heart, that His seed of love, has indeed been sown in Sydney. We have indeed "Receive the Power" - to bear witness, starting from this end of the world (the southern hemisphere). It is definitely a start; the beginning of a journey.

"Who is Jesus to me?"
Jesus is the Word - to be spoken
Jesus is the Truth - to be told
Jesus is the Way - to be walked
Jesus is the Light - to be lit
Jesus is the Life - to be lived
~ Mother Teresa