Calling of Disciples (Mk 1: 14 - 20)

The upcoming Sun's Gospel reading (Jan 25) reminds me of how the Lord called his first disciples at the most unlikely places - at work! Work and God? No way! They are mutually exclusive. If anything, the closest association I can think of is : religion as a weekend (part-time) job. God suddenly appears when the weekend is here :
- when I have more time for myself.
(Suddenly, I can have time to care for others and be a loving disciple)
- when I go to serve in my weekly ministry at church, attending mass.

In short, I practise religion at my convenience. And so, God is also conveniently remembered. Yet at work, I often wonder how people look at me. Will they find traces of evidence that I am a Catholic? When I entered the work force, I recalled my lofty ambition to climb up the corporate ladder by "hook or by crook".

My friend, Kim (who had a few yrs of working experience) reminded me that as much as there are "politicians" in the workplace who backstab & slander, there are also angels around who are nice & helpful. The choice is mine to make. The corporate world is not just about survival of the fittest, it's also about a witnessing to the values of humanity, love & social justice. I was skeptical but still, her advice stayed at the back of my mind.

When I got my first job, I remembered this case of witnessing that stayed vividly with me. Our admin colleague sent out an angry mail one day about a photocopier machine that broke down. In her mail, she mentioned that the last person who used it, should have reported the incident to her so that she could get it rectified immediately. Instead, the delay has now brought much inconvenience to the department. If you are the culprit, what would you do?

Own up? That's what my colleague Stephanie did! She was a self professed Christian who witnessed to Christ in the workplace. During Christmas, she would give out lollipops with an evangelical message attached to them. She would also correct colleagues about why it should be Christmas and not Xmas = because Christ is the reason.

Though most people would prefer a clean & goodie image, she opted otherwise - to own up & apologise for her mistake. She was in a hurry then and was not able to inform anyone of the breakdown. Somehow, for me, the mistake make her more Christian than if she had remained silent to preserve her good Christian image. She stood for someone who's humble and humane. She showed me that making mistakes is not the end of the world. But walking away from your Christian responsibilities is really the downhill of your career - as a witness for God.

Thanks to her, I've not taken the "hook or by crook" corporate climb. Instead my motto in work : to try bring Christ (love) to others & vice versa. That's just what I want to be remembered for. Not a tyrant, sly director. Yes, I'm still far away from my Christian goal (and the director post as well!) and needs a lot of pruning.

In today's Gospel, we see how the disciples were "promoted" from fishermen to fishers of men. That's the promotion I hope to get in due time.

Nothing seems tiresome or painful when you are working for a Master who pays well; who rewards even a cup of cold water given for love of Him.

~ St. Dominic Savio

Baptism (Mk 1:7-11)

At some points in my life, I can't seem to escape the usual questioning on "who am I?" (what's my worth?) and "what is my purpose here on earth?" (what do I live for?) (read previous blog entry) And I highly suspect that they will continue to haunt me at a later stage in life. Can't seem to shake them off.

But what is most perculiar about this questioning process is not the repeated pattern that has surfaced but the timing of these questions. They seem to bug me everytime I enter into a different phase/situation in life. They happened when I :

a) was in secondary school AND JC, trying to find my sense of belonging,
b) was in army, trying to find meaning in the 2.5 yrs of "wasted" time,
c) graduated, trying to find the "right" job
d) was working, trying to make sense of my contribution & worth
e) was serving in church, wondering if I made a difference - for the better or worse?
f) had to undergo an operation, trying to understand what have I lived for in life?
And the list goes on.

Somehow, it is in periods like this, when uncertainty grips me, that affirmation and encouragement followed suit. They provided a clue to what I needed to do next.
When I took time to recall such moments, I saw them taking flesh in my

a) silent retreat in JC 2 (I found myself : it was my conversion point in life to know Christ again, after leaving church for 3 yrs)
b) year end retreat in JC 2 (I found a community : receiving affirmation from my catholic JC frens that helped me find back my self-esteem)
c) LISS experience when I was in the 1st yr of army (I found my faith : a build up, being touched by the Lord again)
d) weekend retreat with Doulos in my second yr in army (I was affirmed : an extra-ordinary encounter with the Holy Spirit)
d) my job offer with Sony (I found my priority & vallues : after I declined 2 prior job offers which compromise my values & time for ministry!)
e) the many affirmation notes/cards that I received in retreats & Christmas (I found my vocation in ministry : think I was doing something right then)

Penning this reflection, I can only be grateful to the Lord for the graces He has bestowed on me. Understanding the person that I am, provided an impetus for me to find my direction, esp. when I face uncertainty in a different phase in life. i.e. it is in finding the "who am I" that allows the "my purpose here on earth" to happen. This Sunday's reading is on the Baptism of our Lord (Jan 11, 2009). Looking at the life of our Lord Jesus, we find the baptism scene most pivotal to his subsequent temptation in the desert and 3 yrs of public ministry. This baptism scene is not meant only for the High, Almighty Son of God (Up There). But it is equally important & relevant for me today (NOW HERE). Have I been affirmed? Have I affirm someone else?

Baptism should not be viewed narrowly as a once in a lifetime ritual that is gotten over & done with. (Thankfully, we still have the renewal of baptismal promises each Easter Vigil). In a broader sense, everytime I receive an affirmation, it is really a reminder of my baptismal encounter. It is our Heavenly Father (through the mouthpiece of another) affirming us - not for what we do only, but for who WE ARE. "This is my Beloved with whom I am well pleased". The problem with me, when dealing with baptismal topic in RCIA/Y is that I like to quickly jump into the next part - the response of the elects. That translated to a long list of "Should Do/Behave" But for once, I need to get it right. I like to simply dwell & busk in His love & affirmation. Once I know who I am....the rest will take care of itself.


I (Sheila) learned the most about the meaning of affirmation from our friend, Dr. Conrad Baars, until his death, a Christian psychiatrist and author. Dr. Baars found the most common emotional hurt to be a lack of affirmation. By this he meant that many, perhaps even most, people in our culture have not had their goodness revealed to them by another who sees that goodness and loves them unconditionally. And Dr. Baars believed that we cannot become our true selves until we have been affirmed. We discover who we are only when we see our goodness reflected back to us in the eyes of another who loves us. Thus, in his book, Born Only Once, Dr. Baars writes that all of us have been born once - physically. But many of us have never had our second or "psychic birth," because no one has ever affirm us. "


~ Healing the 8 Stages of Life (Matthew Linn, Dennis Linn, Sheila Fabricant)

New Year Resolution

I don't know if people have given up on resolutions. But there seems to be quite a no. of things I would like to do for 2009. Amongst them,
1) learning Bollywood Dance (yes...pls do not laugh)
2) learning photography
3) putting more efforts in my grooming & exercise
4) picking up keyboard & vocal classes (re-learning)
and the list goes on. Then, I went to check with my colleague on his resolutions but ended up being enlightened from a discussion with him.

He differentiated a "new experience" from a "must-do in life" when he define his resolutions. To him, a resolution should be a dream (amongst the many) that he would like to fulfil in his lifetime. Failing which, will leave him with regrets. A new experience, on the other hand, is an ad-hoc desire which he would like to do, if possible. But failing which, will not make him any bitter or less fulfilled in life. What I have just listed seem to fall into the latter definition.

What was interesting in hearing his insight is about how I often mistake a short term goal for a long term one. Why do I make resolution? Is it not to better keep me in focus on my efforts & activities for the year? But aren't these suppose to help me better live out my life, with less & less regrets as the years go by? In that case, shouldn't resolutions also help build up towards a goal that may span a longer term and greater fulfillment in life? Sometimes, my vision gets myopic (not just from the long hours before the computer) as circumstances are ever-changing. So why bother? Better to take each day as it comes. Today's conversation reminded me of my life-long resolution which I made in my varsity days.

Back then, a question was thrown to us in one of our tutorials "What is the one thing you would like to be remembered for, before you die?" After some thoughts, my reply was "...to be remembered that I have made a difference in someone's life, that I have brought them closer to Christ..." was the answer within me. Since then, that has been the goal in my life, be it in my workplace, home or ministry. I can't say I have accomplish much in this area but it continues to be my lifetime effort. This goal still remain valid today. But looking at the greater scheme of things now, I then begin to wonder how will my 2009 resolutions bring about the accomplishment of my lifetime goal (THE resolution)? Perhaps, I will have to seriously consider re-classifying and deleting some of these 2009 resolutions. Or maybe, I have to re-look at how I could still bring others closer to Christ (make a difference in their lives) when I go about my 2009 resolutions (e.g. perhaps evangelize to a fellow student in my dance, photography class?)

The key is really to remain focus, determined as we head towards our long term goal (whatever you may be called to do). What is often visible, attainable before us need not necessarily be the most important end goal in life. And this short-sightedness might cost us THE regret of our lives.

"Brethren, I do not consider that I have made it my own; but one thing I do, forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature be thus minded; and if in anything you are otherwise minded, God will reveal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what we have attained. Brethren, join in imitating me, and mark those who so live as you have an example in us."

~ Philippians 3:13 - 17

Being or Doing?

Well, there's this saying that goes, we should always "walk the talk". And it's finally catchin up with me! Like Peter, I am finally put to the test - if I would indeed live out what I preached. It started with the question if I was prepared to face death and there I was - living out that very same question, 1 month later during my op.

In trying to make sense of my operation experience, I found myself answering the same questions again "why am I here?", "what's the purpose of this (extended) life?" (read previous blog entry) Days later, I find myself to be the listening ear for 2 friends. One was deciding whether to accept a new job and the other was facing family/personal issue that affected his ministry work. Strangely, I felt that they have given more meaning to my life than I have ever done for them. I often thought that I have come to terms that "my being" is more important than "my doing". i.e. being a child of God, the Father (who have immensely loved me), is of upmost value than having to do anything to merit His love. But it is in the face of death/life, that everything seems to crumble to reveal the real truth within - a very insecure child. Or perhaps, the work culture in this world has accustom me to, try in every possible way, to "value-add" to this world (yes, incl. of Christian mission). And I suspect that this "contribution to bottom line" will plague most people till the day they die. Knowing that one does make a difference to this world (in however small way that might be) is honestly consoling.

I believe only our heavenly Father really knows me inside-out. Seeing the little child that needs affirmation & encouragement, He has indeed surround me with people who allow me to reach out. In so doing, it has helped me to love, to appreciate myself and to reach out to God. Until the next time I face death, I still have some time to work out on my "being". To know that I can never do anything more/less to merit the love of God. This love has already been poured out unconditionally, since the beginning of eternity. And let's thank our loving Father for that. It is only in getting this foundation right, then can I proceed to "value-add" in the right attitude - serving generously & unconditionally. And it's ok if I can't do it all the time, since the P&L has already been determined - a bountiful surplus. This is certainly a company that we can be assured of lifetime employment with no retrenchment or dismissal.

"When a man falls in love, he seeks the sweet servitude of affection and devotion to another.
When a man falls in love with God, he immediately goes out in search of a neighbour."

~ Fulton Sheen, The World's First Love

WYD Special - WYD (D+1) Reflection

Purpose Driven Life

When the Purpose Driven Life book by Rick Warren was first out, it resulted in sell-out success across many Christian bookstores. And the most probable reason is 'cos this book prompts us to search & answer life's ultimate questions on "why am I here?", "what's the purpose of my life?". Regardless of age, these are classic questions which one raises from time to time.

I find myself pondering critically over this as I sat down for my dinner, after the Asian Night performance at Olympia, Sydney. I was hungry and only ate my dinner at 10pm after rushing from place to place for the Youth Festival (catechetical program), while everyone else has already taken their dinner. Why did I rush from place to place today? What have I gained in the end? Is it worth it? These thoughts ran through my mind as I chew my food grudgingly at Macs. I just had Macs two nights ago and was definitely hoping for a change of menu. But I had no such luck as most stores have already been closed since 7pm.

Just then, I noticed a long purse at the foot of the table, where I was eating. Has someone dropped it accidentally? Is this going to be my lucky day? Will I get an unexpected windfall from the wallet? I waited a while before realising that a fellow pilgrim (from another country), seated opposite me, has just left the seat. She returned and continued to chat with her friends. I waited for a few minutes before clarifying with her. She looked at the wallet on the floor and sighed a huge relief, before picking it up.

A thought suddenly flashed through : What if, my purpose for tonight, was merely to brighten another pilgrim's day by preventing the loss of her wallet? I took heart to know that I could have been chosen by God to make a difference in someone's else's life. Having lost some things in life, I can imagine how difficult & frustrating the whole process might be, esp. for someone who lose their personal belonging in a foreign land. Isaiah 43:3-4 reminds us of how God gave up nations & people in exchange for Israel (us). We are who & where we are today, as a result of the people whom God has sent into our lives to prepare us. Looking at my own conversion & faith journey, I know this is true. Reflecting on all that has happened, I can only be grateful for the turn of today's events. I would not have chosen to live it otherwise. Nothing beats being there for someone. Perhaps, I've been prepared for this day. And Perhaps, I've also planted a seed of faith today.

Soon, I found myself shifting the thought from "what/how can I gain" to "how can I serve You, Lord, better?" Though we often ask about life's ultimate questions, but perhaps, part of their answers are to be found from without (in the other party), and not just from within (ourselves). And the answer cannot be more simple than this : We are made in the image & likeness of God, whose DNA is none other than love. And love isn't love until it is given away (to the other party).

"The simplest way to describe God's poverty & humility is in terms of love. Love gives itself away - this is God's poverty. Love turns towards the other so it can give itself to the other - this is God's humility. In the Incarnation, God turns towards us through the Son/Word and gives (him)self to us as love.

~ Ilia Delio, The Humility of God : A Franciscan Perspective

WYD Special - Pre WYD (D-1) Reflection

EVANGELIZATION

Today, I ventured into St. Andrew's Cathedral (Anglican Church), next to Queen Victoria Building. An elderly couple greeted me. After realizing that I was a Catholic, they tried to evanglize to me, quoting that faith is the key to justification and not good works. Yes, I cld see a little red sea parting in our conversation. But what striked me halfway through our conversation was her question : to what extent are you willing to give up your life for God, right now? If you were to meet Him now, do you think you are ready?

Wow....what morbid questions to start WYD! i definitely wanted to meet the Pope first, Jesus later....but somehow, these distrubing questions lingered within me. What am I prepared to give up for God? The couple was sharing with me on how their son gave up his high paying job to become a pastor and to migrate to Sydney. That was certainly a modern Abraham before me. What about me? um...the Lord is indeed inviting me to go deeper with Him in our relationship. Yes, will my response be like the rich young man in the Gospel? God certainly has a unique way to appear in the most unlikely place, at the most inappropriate time and via the "not exactly the type of people you like to meet" to bring about His evangelization. I was definitely looking for inspiration through the WYD event, not somewhere here.

Then just as I stepped into the busy corner of Queen Victoria Building, I witnessed another form of evangelization. This time, it is from my fellow pilgrims. As you can see from the video (see bottom of this entry), it's another subtle, friendly & cheery form of evangelization. Yes, I am suddenly aware that WYD is finally here. It has started. Will I be brave enough like them, to do such a street evangelization, esp. at the heart of the city? Will I be willing to make a fool out of myself, to spread the word of God? I was really touched by the sight before me. I often wonder, if St. Peter was to live in our present day, would he also choose this form of evangelization for his message in Acts Chap 2 : Courageously picking a busy junction, to proclaim the death & resurrection of our Lord, just as these people did.

The silly me, with my high & lofty aspirations to evangelize, has indeed been humbled by what I learn today :
1) Evangelization can take place anywhere, at any occasion, and with anyone (yes, even those you least expected)
2) I need to recall how I was first evangelized (recalling the last time I was evangelized/touched by someone's sharing/actions etc) and to take that as my inspiration
3) Yes, it takes more than courage but also THICK-SKIN! haha. Evangelization can come in various forms - via tense challenging questions, and sometimes, in light-hearted manner. Yes, maybe even in a dance/song! (um....maybe, just maybe, even through this blog)

But, it's always the same Lord we proclaim and the same Holy Spirit who gives the inspiration to invite/remind/challenge us to what we need to hear/think/do.

“Preach the gospel at all times; use words if necessary.”
~ St. Francis of Assisi