The Temptation of Christ (Mk 1: 12 - 15)

When I talk to people about temptation, we inevitably always come to the topic about how many times we have fallen or how difficult the struggle is, during that moment of dilemma. Beaten at our weaknesses and finding creative excuses for our folly seem to be the subsequent focus. But what I would like to share today is also about the times (even if it might be rare) when we were victorious. The occasions where we chose to ignore the calls of our flesh & follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit.

One of the temptations that I could recall happened when I first joined the workforce. I was with my colleague in office, one late evening, to print price labels for a sale event that we were organizing. Since I completed my part earlier, I offered to help him out. The next day, a mistake was discovered during the sale. The price label for one of the items had been under-priced. Unfortunately, 2 sets of that item have already been sold by then. This cost the company to lose about $400+ in total. I discovered that the wrong price label actually belonged to my colleague who was in charge of that section. Just as I breathed out signs of relief, I soon discovered that I was the one who contributed to the error when I helped him that night. What should I do now? Own up to my mistake and be given a bad evaluation of my performance (at best) and maybe even pay back the company for the losses and lose my job (at worst)? OR should I just keep mum about the whole thing & let my friend take the rap? That night, I couldn’t bring myself to sleep. It was a moral dilemma for me. It was afterall, my first job in a reputable MNC and it wasn’t all that easy in clinching this job. I loved my job and was eager to save my own skin.

The next day, my colleague confronted me and said that I had sabotaged him as a consequence of my carelessness. Besides apologizing, I could only remain speechless before him. What else can I say? But as much as I needed to save this job, I was suddenly conscious of how he would view me or even Catholics in general. I had always been outspoken of my identity as a Catholic. (Blame it on my eagerness to evangelize in my own subtle ways at work) Now, if I were to save my skin today, will I then lose a chance of his potential conversion in future? Would he want to be a Christian/Catholic when he learned that this is how they behave? Could I bring myself to do that? With that thought, the choice seemed clearer to me.

Soon after, I owned up my mistake to my boss and also offered to pay back for the losses. However, my gracious boss told me it's ok to make mistakes. “Do not repeat it and let’s move on” – that’s what he advised. Whew! Seemed like a close shave with death. Looking back, I always felt that this is one of the best decisions that I made. It had been a pivotal point in my spiritual life when I’m reminded of the innate power & potential within me to say “no to evil & temptation”. Temptations may look daunting & overpowering. They seem to give us incessant pressure till we cave in to their requests. But if we could only take time to recall the no. of triumphant victories we had, we will know that we are not as weak as what evil would like us to believe.

The Sun’s (Mar 1) Gospel reminded us that Jesus was led by the Holy Spirit to be tempted by Satan. Next, we also find that not only wild animals were in the desert, but angels too! We definitely do not fight this spiritual warfare alone. Let us take courage & refuge in this!

“…but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more”
~ Romans 5:20

Being or Doing?

Well, there's this saying that goes, we should always "walk the talk". And it's finally catchin up with me! Like Peter, I am finally put to the test - if I would indeed live out what I preached. It started with the question if I was prepared to face death and there I was - living out that very same question, 1 month later during my op.

In trying to make sense of my operation experience, I found myself answering the same questions again "why am I here?", "what's the purpose of this (extended) life?" (read previous blog entry) Days later, I find myself to be the listening ear for 2 friends. One was deciding whether to accept a new job and the other was facing family/personal issue that affected his ministry work. Strangely, I felt that they have given more meaning to my life than I have ever done for them. I often thought that I have come to terms that "my being" is more important than "my doing". i.e. being a child of God, the Father (who have immensely loved me), is of upmost value than having to do anything to merit His love. But it is in the face of death/life, that everything seems to crumble to reveal the real truth within - a very insecure child. Or perhaps, the work culture in this world has accustom me to, try in every possible way, to "value-add" to this world (yes, incl. of Christian mission). And I suspect that this "contribution to bottom line" will plague most people till the day they die. Knowing that one does make a difference to this world (in however small way that might be) is honestly consoling.

I believe only our heavenly Father really knows me inside-out. Seeing the little child that needs affirmation & encouragement, He has indeed surround me with people who allow me to reach out. In so doing, it has helped me to love, to appreciate myself and to reach out to God. Until the next time I face death, I still have some time to work out on my "being". To know that I can never do anything more/less to merit the love of God. This love has already been poured out unconditionally, since the beginning of eternity. And let's thank our loving Father for that. It is only in getting this foundation right, then can I proceed to "value-add" in the right attitude - serving generously & unconditionally. And it's ok if I can't do it all the time, since the P&L has already been determined - a bountiful surplus. This is certainly a company that we can be assured of lifetime employment with no retrenchment or dismissal.

"When a man falls in love, he seeks the sweet servitude of affection and devotion to another.
When a man falls in love with God, he immediately goes out in search of a neighbour."

~ Fulton Sheen, The World's First Love

Happy Birthday!

This has got to be one of my busiest birthday. The day was spent juggling between lunch with family and preparing myself for my new job the next day. Gosh...another year has slipped by without me realizing it! It was only during the close of the day, upon some quiet reflection could I then appreciate the significance of this day.

Considering my recent surgery (read previous blog entry), to be given another year (and more years to come hopefully) is indeed a blessing. This is something which I have always taken for granted. It has indeed been a frightening but awakening experience. The Devil would have liked us believe that we have eternity to prepare ourselves to meet our Creator but the fact is that we could never count on that.

During my recent sharing about the ordeal that I went through, my colleague reminded me if I had considered the blessings that I have received thus far, prior to entering the operation ward. This thought has never crossed my mind. She asked if I was grateful for the fact that :
1) this was only a minor surgery (could have been worse!)
2) I have accomplished something in life - be it contributions at work, in church etc
3) I have been loved by my family, friends (my parents were with me during my operation)

It is strange how the basic things in life, which we were supposed to give praise for, always ended up being taken for granted. They have become a "given" rather than a gift to appreciate. And this is dangerous when we extend the same attitude into prayer. The whole episode has indeed caught me off guard. I am not as strong/appreciative as I thought I was.

And this timely advice from my colleague seem to remind me of one thing - that my life counts for something. For once, my birthday has taken on a new meaning for me this year. It's no longer anticipating about the gifts or well wishes that will come my way. Rather, it's about what I can give of myself. Each year of life, is indeed a blessing and a gift. And it becomes a gift only when I use it - living it to the fullest. So, when my next birthday arrive, it will be a time of blessing (to be grateful for all that I have received & experienced), and accountability. How have/will I live the remaining 365 days?

I Asked God

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve,
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey;
I asked for health, that I might do greater things,
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things;
I asked for riches, that I might be happy,
I was given poverty, that I might be wise;
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of man,
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God;
I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life,
I was given life, that I might enjoy things;
I got nothing that I asked for - but everything I had hoped for,
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered,
I am among all men, most richly blessed.

~ Author unknown

Vulnerability

Upon reflecting on my recent op, I concluded that there is no easy segregation between a good or bad experience. Often times, it's what we make of it or learn from it. Similarly, a particular situation can draw out our strength and/or weakness. Looking at a rose stalk would have reminded us of the beauty of the flower and the pain of the thorns that stem from it. The op has indeed enlighten me about my own vulnerability - it is not always a strength &/or weakness.

In my case, vulnerability can put the reliance on self or "the other". Pride (in the guise of self-defense) & Vulnerability can grow hand in hand. Through sharing, I learned that there are actually many more like me, who have been through operations (and some sounded worse). If only, I had shared about my fears earlier, perhaps I would have received more relief & a better picture of what to expect. Need for privacy & risk of vulnerability has kept me imprison in my own anxiety. Or more accurately, it was pride which kept me at bay - my reliance on self to solve my own problem, the reluctance to trouble others, the fear of revealing my vulnerability.

For my physical body to restore to its original healthy state, it first require me to go through a certain phase of risk & vulnerability. It is during this time, where I learnt to accept my fraility and the kindness extended through the care givers around me. I sometimes wonder, if nature has been designed to bring us into (as babes) and out of the world (as wise sages, hopefully) with complete reliance on those around us. Perhaps too often, age/efficiency/independence has made us believe that we become burden to others when we rely on them. Mother Teresa, once shared that, if we only knew the good that these poor & marginalized are doing for our souls, when we reach out to help them, we should instead be the ones thanking them. And maybe, the same can be said of my emotional & spiritual health. The paradox of sharing is that though it makes us vulnerable, but it's one sure route to recovery. Unless we share, no one will ever know that we needed help. It is time we recognise & accept that we can never be 100% strong all the time.

Vulnerability can also draw one to close in or to open up to others. In a way, the recent op has develop a sense of compassion within me. Having gone through the op, it makes it easier to reach out to another person in sickness. There is a longing within to tell them that it's ok. I've been there, I know what it's like and I will go through it with you. Suddenly, my eyes are open to a whole new world of experience, where as in the past, I could only watch as a spectator.

But if not careful, vulnerability can also put me under the focus lens. Everything starts to zoom in on me. It was all about me, my feelings, & trying to gain sympathy and attention. My dad tried to offer some comfort by saying that "it's gonna be ok", shortly before my op. But my curt reply to him was, "why don't you lie down on the operating bed and try saying that"? That was an instinctive response as I was too caught up with myfeelings that day (confusion, anxiety, etc). But a colleague help me see things from another perspective - through the lens of "the other". Sometimes, our loved ones do not know the right words to comfort us. They also share our fears. Their words are also meant to console themselves, just as they are for us. They try their best to bring relief to us - in the best that they know. As much as it might be the first jittering experience for me, I had forgotten that it was the same for my dad too : to watch me lying on the operating bed.

It's no wonder then that I couldn't recognise God through my vulnerability. He wasn't reduce to mere lines in the bible, tugged away somewhere. He was whispering to me, through the people around me. All this while, He was ever making Himself present, trying to get my attention. But I have failed to see or speak to Him, as I was simply too engrossed in myself.

"God never gives us something. He always gives us someone."

~ Bro. Michael Broughton

Trial

"If you were to die today, will you be ready to meet the Lord?" - this was a question which plagued me during my World Youth Day. (read previous blog entry) I finally know my answer to that question.

I waited the whole morning at the hospital for my operation. The fear of the unknown, of not knowing what to expect, sent shivers down my spine. As far as I could recall, nothing came close to the anxiety that I went through that morning. My heart pounded and I tried to recall a comforting verse from the databank of my mind, but none surfaced.

The moment finally arrived as I was wheeled into the operating theatre at about 1.50pm on Sep 3. Probably because of the fear that was playing on me, many thoughts dashed through my mind. (But nope, i did not see that tunnel of light or anything like that!) Somehow, i realised that there was nothing that I could anchor my hope in. i.e. something is missing in my life. For once, I was hoping to cling onto something or someone for strength. But I found no such life line. Today, it is only a simple day surgery. But imagine if something worse is to happen. I really do not know where to find the willpower to fight the battle. I felt strange that this realisation should hit home hard on me. I wonder if this experience is highlighting a void within my life.

The surgery went well but the thought continue to linger within me as I reflect on my ordeal. Perhaps all this while, I've been going through life, running on an auto-pilot, habitual routine. I haven't reflected deeper into my life. Thus, it took a surgery (a life-threatening encounter) to bring this to light. On a cursory examination, I wondered if it could be attributed to :

a) my lack of a love/family life? ('cause from most drama shows that I watched, they often give the patient, played by the leading actor/actress, courage & strength to fight life's battle with sickness)
b) the fact that I'm still young & not ready to die? (but then again, who is ever ready to die? So, a more appropriate questioning might rather be : what haven't I achieve/accomplish in life that left me with regrets?)
c) the idea that I thought I was loved by God but maybe this hasn't quite been fully/completely experienced within me? Is that why I don't feel the least comforted at all?
d) my faith that was built on my accomplishment and actions but no/little reliance on God? Maybe my faith has been centered round my doing (my own reasoning, chosing what I want to believe) but becomes weak when I realise that I could no longer depend on myself but on Him whom I have to rely solely for my deliverance. The gap surfaced when I have to surrender myself (& my control) to Him who will take over the unknown hitherto.

Obviously, the whole encounter has shaken me up a little. But still, I need to do more soul-searching and I know this is going to take some time. Where is God in this? What & where is He leading me? Nontheless, even with all my questions unanswered, I'm still grateful for this whole experience. Because it brought me an inch further to preparing myself for my death. Hopefully, the next time that I encounter such a similar experience, I will be better equipped.

In the meantime, I'm confident that these questions stem from a healthy relationship of wanting to know myself & God better. It is only through this questioning can I bring our relationship further to a higher plane. So Lord, guide me to live the words of St. Paul, your martyr, who proclaim so convincingly,

"For I am certain of this : neither death nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nothing already in existence and nothing still to come, nor any power, nor the heights nor the depths, nor any created thing whatever, will be able to come between us and the love of God, known to us in Christ Jesus our Lord."

~ Romans 8:38 - 39

Fear & Anxiety

"There's a 5% chance that people who is under GA (General Anasthesia) will suffer a heart attack or stroke, but that's only a slim chance", the anasthetic doctor told me as part of my pre-op preparation. I was later briefed about my operation procedure when I'm under GA. What sounded like a simple op, didn't sound too assuring thereafter. That was 1 week ago.

Tonight, fear pounded me like never before as I prepare myself mentally for my op the next day. I was scheduled for a "right-hemithyroid" day surgery. Somehow, although I was assured by people around me that everything will turn out well, but that didn't bring relief. Even the meal that I take, seemed like a "last supper" for me. I wonder when I will be able to eat as freely as I wanted again. Is that what a prisoner, who is about to be hung, undergo the night before? For once, I could relate to both the Last Supper & the Garden of Gesethmane passages. It must have been a difficult, anguishing moment for our Lord. I'm sure, He carried within him a heavy heart. Perhaps one that allows Him to relate and comfort us "Come unto me, all you who are heavily burdened and I will give you rest" ~ Mt 11:28

A priest once shared that the worst form of spiritual warfare may not necessary be one with the Devil. Rather, our deepest fears & anxieties could be the worst form of enemy. It cripples us of our ability to trust & hope - our source of strength & joy. This is why we pray during mass "...deliver us Lord from ALL our anxieties, as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our Lord Jesus..." As I long for someone to share his/her experience with me or words of comfort, I'm sure that is what the Lord was longing for, when He brought along His 3 disciples that night. Silence seems deafening tonight. I could relate to the weakness that our Lord went through. The kind of solace one needs when you hit rock bottom. One that made us cry from within our deepest confusion : "My Lord, my Lord, why have you forsaken me?" Everything that I touch/see seem to be the last time for me. Yes, I sound like an over-exagerrated drama king but that is what I went through within me. Words will never be adequate even right now. At least, for me, I know that I will return alive but for the Lord... Imagine for a moment, that you will be giving up your life the next day! Unless you have undergone such a life-threatening experience, it is worth our while not to gloss over these 2 final passages of love from the Lord. Tonight, these passages became alive & personal for me.

As I reflected on these passages, a fleeting thought crossed my mind. Perhaps I should pray over myself (for healing)! Afterall, that day's gospel reading is on the curing of Simon Peter's mother-in-law in Mk 1:30. Maybe, the passage meant something. But somehow, I was quick to check on myself. The act would be good but the intent didn't sit well with me. What I was after was an easy way out of my situation - instant healing, without taking up my cross. But that isn't what the Lord did. Rather, He chose to spend His time in prayer during His last night on earth. To seek solace & to find comfort in Him who is The Rock, The Fortress, My Refuge. I know the night is going to be long, the future uncertain. How I wish tomorrow never come. But despite these negative thoughts, I could only believe that He has a plan. That this experience will help me somehow in life and maybe in reaching out to others. For now, I could only pray the words that the Lord has taught me "Abba! Father! All things are possible for you. Take this cup away from me. Yet not what I want but what you want."

"Let nothing disturb thee, Let nothing affright thee,
All things are passing, God changeth never.
Life is to life in such a way that we are not afraid to die."

~ St Teresa of Avila

WYD Special - WYD (D+3) Reflection

Keeping Awake

This has got to be one of my worst day for the entire WYD experience. I'm beginning to feel the fatigue & soreness in my throat. Yup, a flu is definitely brewing up. I need to get some rest if I were to continue with my journey. It will only get worse tomorrow, esp with the overnight vigil at Randwick. It's going to be cold. And if I don't get enough rest today to build my immunity, I will definitely be down & out by tomorrow.

Thus, I decided to stay in today instead of joining my WYD group for the Stations of The Cross. After taking a 2hr nap in the afternoon, I went down to re-unite with them for an evening concert. That night, I learned that my group had a wonderful experience at the Stations, in St. Mary's Cathedral. They were able to pray with the Stations since they were well executed (with live actors re-enacting the whole scene). Most commented that they were touched by the acting, esp. the role of Jesus, who was stripped bare chested, facing the cold winter winds. In addition to that, my group also had the opportunity of coming upclose & personal with the Pope. He was only 30m away, when he came out to give the blessing to the pilgrims!

At this, my heart sank. I wished I was also present. If only, I hadn't given in to my temptation to sleep. *Sigh* Yes, I'm once again reminded of the scene in the Garden of Gethsamane. The Lord must have wanted to reveal/pass down his last words to the 3 close apostles whom he has taken with him. They often say that the words/actions of a dying man would be the most important thing that he wishes to communicate. Perhaps, the Lord too, has much to reveal to me through the Stations. But alas, I gave in to temptation. Yes, if I could, I would definitely give up anything to turn back the hands of time. I would have persevere (even if I had to risk running a fever) so that I could participate in the event. Perhaps this is how the 3 apostles must have felt too. Perhaps they too, have had a long day. They too, must have experienced disappointment, guilt and shame upon later introspection of their actions.

I've come across this passage many times. The first impression is to judge the 3 apostles as lazy, weak and that I can do a better job. But this experience has taught me to seek understanding first. Afterall, this is what I am really seeking when I try to give reasons/make excuses. What makes a regret bearable is the understanding of the other party. This is definitely a job that Jesus does best. He transforms regrets to determinations. Perhaps this is what gave courage to the good thief who dared ask for Paradise with Jesus.

"I look at Jesus. He looked at me and He understood." ~ The Good Thief

Create in me a clean heart, O God,and put a new and right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence,and take not thy holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of thy salvation,and uphold me with a willing spirit. Then I will teach transgressors thy ways,and sinners will return to thee.

~ Ps 51 : 10 - 13