Palm Sunday (Mk 14:1 - 15:47)

St. Paul says in Romans 7,
I do not understand my own behaviour; the good thing I want to do, I never do; the evil thing which I do not want -- that is what I do. So I find this rule: that for me, where I want to do nothing but good, evil is close at my side. In my inmost self I dearly love God's law, but I see that acting on my body there is a different law which battles against the law in my mind. So I am brought to be a prisoner of that law of sin which lives inside my body.

And I find this statement coming alive so very often in my life! Just the other day, I find myself rushing to catch a train for work. I was behind a guy who was tapping his eZy link card slowly.I let out a sign of impatience only to be greeted by him with "What's your problem?" Since I was in a rush, I didn't want to waste further time arguing with him. I hurried along to catch my train. Soon, I find myself in the train, fighting my dilemma if I shld take out my Christian book for a read. Somehow my action earlier did not quite match my identity as a Christian. I should have been more patient. If someone has witnessed what had happened earlier, what must they have thought of me, and of Christians?

There are many angles to look at today's Gospel (Apr 12). I choose to look at it from the perspective of choices. As I journey through life, it becomes clearer to me that I'm not 100% good or bad all the time. Most likely, I'm a mixture. Within me is a confused bystander who cheered Jesus on his triumphant entry and one who vehemently wants to crucify Him. I behave like Peter who swears to stay with Jesus no matter what happens and yet deny Him at the earliest opportunity to save my skin. How and when can I ever be steadfast to the Lord in my Christian journey?

Looking at the Holy Week event in the light of the Resurrection, reminds me that it was through many bitter denials that the apostles learnt to be steadfast to the Lord. This led to the ultimate sacrificial of their lives than the denial of their faith. There must have been many small "deaths" along the way to lead to this final martyrdom. Making a living in today's corporate world is a sure journey towards Jerusalem (figuratively). Today's Gospel invites me to decide on the choices I make. The consolation that I take with me is that I can start my training with the "small deaths" I make each day (e.g. being more patient with a nasty colleague etc) and even should I fall, I only need to pick myself up. I'm not 100% good or bad all the time. But with practice, I hope to inch towards the goal of 100% for Christ.

I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me; and the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. ~ Gal 2:20

Grain that dies (Jn 12: 20 - 33)

I do not know when & how it all started or evolved. But it often began with my name follow by "where I am studying, (field of study)" to "where I am working (my designation)". At least this was how I grew up introducing myself since my schooldays right up to the present day. How do you introduce yourself or your friend?

The late Father Basil Pennington in his book, "True Self/False Self" reminds us that our "false" self stems mainly from :
1) What I have
2) What I do
3) How others see me
Or rather, this is how we perceive or construct our identity to be. I found myself nodding my head in agreement when I read this.

Being an introvert, I grew up like all teens, desperately trying to find acceptance and belonging. In searching for this self-identity, I found myself conforming to social norms to dress fashionably - Buy the "latest trend". I recall buying my first $29 Hang Ten sweater at the age of 15. Who cares if the weather is 31ºC outside, the important issue here is "how others see me" based on "what I have". Of course, as one would have guessed, I outgrew the brands but not the false self. Soon, I was moving off to Levis, Guess, cK etc. Being in the marketing field, I should only know too well that brands portrays our self-concept, but never the reality. At the heart of it, I want to look good, to be someboday - preferably as hot as the models wearing the brands. But stripping these possessions away, I'm really no different from the person next door.

Today, as we inch nearer to Passion Week, I found myself asking this question : So, who am I (really)? The Gospel today (Mar 29), invites me to die to my false self - an identity founded on the 3 criteria listed above. The questions demands that I get in touch with my BE-ING, without the 3Ps - possessions, performances, and projections.

It amazes me when I reflected this :
If I were to be a bystander in Jesus's time, what would He have seen in me when He walked by? What did He see (in me) that still made Him carry on His journey down Jerusalem & finally to Calvary? There must be something within me that He's dying (excuse the pun) to show me..... Maybe I did not realise the famous brand that I'm wearing - the Jesus Brand.

"The unveiling of who we are can be hard for our contemporary culture to understand because there is the frequent assumption that we have the human right just to decide who we are. Identity is not to be discovered; it can be chosen. One chooses which identity one will have today. Identity is a lifestyle option and it is an infringement of my human rights for anyone not to accept that identity. But the smile of Jesus summons me to an identity that is not constructed but given. For my deepest being is indeed pure gift and in attaining it I discover joy.

~ What is the point of being a Christian? Fr. Timothy Radcliffe, OP

Light vs Darkness (Jn 3:14 - 21)

It is strange how this Sun's gospel reading (Mar 22) reminded me of my own conversion story. Although I have shared it so often with people, but this is the first time I'm putting it down in writing. Have you ever find yourself sleeping in late in the morning, only to be awaken by the strong sunlight hitting at your eyes. The feeling is horrible, isn't it - adjusting to the light? But well, it only means = time to wake up!

Having completed my confirmation class in Sec 2, i thought a certain phase in my life is finally "over & done with!" Being the "introvert me" didn't quite help either, since I do not have a Christian community to belong. Naturally, it didn't take long before I de-generated to a Sunday Catholic and the final retired Catholic. Yes, i still remember the initial nagging feeling whenever I missed Sunday mass. But it didn't take long for me to become numb to this "other voice", until it is gradually heard no more. Not going for mass becomes a way of life. A more productive alternative could be used with this time - e,g, study. Of course, this is the clever me at work, coming up with creative excuses.

It was not until in JC 2, when two of my classmates, Alex & Geralding invited me for a retreat with them in CJC that I finally "come to the light". I still recall Geralding inviting me in JC 1 but was turned down by me. I still do not know why, what or how did I agree to this ridiculous offer to attend the retreat in Yr 2. I recall thinking to myself "What can a retreat do to you?" But that fateful retreat showed me all the difference.

It was there, that someone played the audio version of the Passion of Christ. That nailing, panting, suffering, wailing drowned me as I find myself overwhelmed by God's love. Who could this man be, who could be so madly in love with me? And the inevitable & consequential question arise : and Who am I? How can I deserve this love?

The reading today reminded me that this light of God is not here to burn/scorge me. For Christ came to save, not to condemn. What I first experienced in my conversion was not one of guilt, but of unconditional love. This light of Christ comes to awaken me - to my senses; to a love I have previously know only with my head but not my heart. And it is only in this light and understanding, did I realise how far I haved sinned. For to sin is to miss the mark. Indeed, I have gone way off tangent on the course in my life. Thanks to my wonderful friends who have been the light for me, It is now my turn to be the light for others.

But what kind of light will I be? One to condemn (burn) or to save (awaken)? I pray that my conversion will serve to remind & humble me that I was once in darkness. It is in that darkness that I appreciated the light.


It only takes a spark to get a fire going,
And soon all those around can warm up in its glowing;
That's how it is with God's Love,
Once you've experienced it,
Your spread the love to everyone
You want to pass it on.

~ Lyrics from the song, "Pass It On"

Cleansing in the Temple (Jn 2: 13- 25)

Anger may not always be a necessary evil. Well, at least this is something new which I learned from Fr. Michael McGuire, a trained psycho-therapist. Anger represents hope. A hope to change things, a hope for the better. My good friend, Friar Derrick reminded me in a session recently, that we often feel angry because of a sense of justice. Something that rightfully belongs to us/someone is suddenly taken away. And we demand/hope that this is corrected.

We see this taking place in today's (Mar 15) Gospel - the Cleansing in the Temple. I often wonder if Jesus was angry with 1) the idea of the selling, 2) the exhorbitant prices that were unreasonably set &/or 3) the exploitation of the poor (since they do not seem to have a choice - they need to buy something to be used as an offering). In some ways, all these seem to point towards a fundamental abuse of trust & exploitation. And to make matters worse, of all places - the Christian family, the dwelling place of God. Today, I wonder if the very same church is still acting like a market place? Am I also guilty, among those counted in the mercenary traders?

Looking back at my journey in ministry, there were definitely times when 1) the ideas/projects that I "sold" were more self-serving than following the Spirit's directive, 2) I set/expect high standards for one to qualify as member of the ministry (e.g. 90% attendance in the year, including exam period), 3) members were given the ultimatium to adhere to our ministry rules or leave the ministry (members should not "use" ministry only for their emotional support). Often I can & do forget the reason why people join ministry in the first place! They come for worship - a heart-to-heart prayer with God. Coming to Him with all their being, and without pretense. That is who they are and that is what they can offer - all that they have : 2 copper coins. One would expect the church to welcome them with open arms, but I can be that mercenary trader outside, turning a prodigal child away.

So today, instead of channeling my anger towards others, I also need to take a look at myself. Maybe, I need to be angry with myself first. I need to turn this energy to a constructive desire for a positive change. That change that may restore me to my original, rightful state - made in the image & likenes of God. Only then, can I truly live out to be a channel of hope for others.

"Then David's anger was greatly kindled against the man; and he said to Nathan, "As the LORD lives, the man who has done this deserves to die; and he shall restore the lamb fourfold, because he did this thing, and because he had no pity."

Nathan said to David, "You are the man. Thus says the LORD, the God of Israel, 'I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you out of the hand of Saul; and I gave you your master's house, and your master's wives into your bosom, and gave you the house of Israel and of Judah; and if this were too little, I would add to you as much more. Why have you despised the word of the LORD, to do what is evil in his sight?"

- 2 Sam 12 : 5 - 9

The Transfiguration (Mk 9 : 2 - 10)

One fine day, my 2 year old nephew looked to the altar & started saying "strawberry". We were puzzled by what he has just uttered. Where on earth would you find a strawberry at the altar?!! My sis-in-law and I stared blankly at each other. But on closer look, this picture (on your left) does show some resemblance of a strawberry from afar. Yes, it is none other than the sacred heart of Jesus!

This little funny incident indeed taught me a thing or two about contemplation. Contemplation invites us to look beyond the physical or what we know, and enter into the presence of the divine. As a child, many things appear to us as strawberries - our image of God, our understanding of Him, our prayer, the Mass etc. And here, I must admit that I'm still very much like a child when it comes to faith. Every time I think I know enough about God, I'm once again challenged with regards to our relationship & roles. It is not knowing about Him but knowing Him in that intimate & personal level which He constantly invites.

In some way, taking care of little children has opened my eyes about the need for child-like, simple faith. Silly as it may sound, but once a child learns a new thing, they relate everything in that context. In this instance, how could the Sacred Heart look like a strawberry? But imagine the potential of relating to the world, if I could but grasp the love & beauty of God in each person. What will the world become? How would I behave, if I am able to relate in this child-like simplicity? Will this world indeed become the reign of the kingdom that Jesus was here to preach about? For He says time and time again : the kingdom of God is at hand => so near & yet so far. All I need is to let go of all my "think I know everything" mature faith and to embrace the faith of a little child.

Today's Gospel (Mar 8) shows us a glimpse of the power of prayer & contemplation. The transfiguration is not an easy topic to apply in our daily living. I borrow the concept from Fr. Raniero Cantalamessa in his book, "The Mystery of the Transfiguration". In this book, he mention about the power of contemplation that transforms Jesus from within (rather than without). Contemplative prayer, reflection, allows us to search within ourselves so that we may come to know God as He sees us. What follows is a deep sense of feeling loved, secured which empowers us to look & react at the world in a different light.

"In Louisville, at the corner of Fourth and Walnut, in the center of the shopping district, I was suddenly overwhelmed with the realization that I loved all those people, that they were mine and I theirs, that we could not be alien to one another even though we were total strangers. It was like waking from a dream of separateness, of spurious self-isolation in a special world, the world of renunciation and supposed holiness...This sense of liberation from an illusory difference was such a relief and such a joy to me that I almost laughed out loud. And I suppose my happiness could have taken form in the words: “Thank God, thank God that I am like other men, that I am only a man among others.”...I have the immense joy of being man, a member of a race in which God Himself became incarnate. And if only everybody could realize this! But it cannot be explained. There is no way of telling people that they are all walking around shining like the sun...Then it was as if I suddenly saw the secret beauty of their hearts, the depths of their hearts where neither sin nor desire nor self-knowledge can reach, the core of their reality, the person that each one is in God’s eyes. If only they could all see themselves as they really are. If only we could see each other that way all the time. There would be no more war, no more hatred, no more cruelty, no more greed…I suppose the big problem would be that we would fall down and worship each other. But this cannot be seen, only believed and “understood” by a peculiar gift."

~ Thomas Merton, Conjectures of A Guilty Bystander

The Temptation of Christ (Mk 1: 12 - 15)

When I talk to people about temptation, we inevitably always come to the topic about how many times we have fallen or how difficult the struggle is, during that moment of dilemma. Beaten at our weaknesses and finding creative excuses for our folly seem to be the subsequent focus. But what I would like to share today is also about the times (even if it might be rare) when we were victorious. The occasions where we chose to ignore the calls of our flesh & follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit.

One of the temptations that I could recall happened when I first joined the workforce. I was with my colleague in office, one late evening, to print price labels for a sale event that we were organizing. Since I completed my part earlier, I offered to help him out. The next day, a mistake was discovered during the sale. The price label for one of the items had been under-priced. Unfortunately, 2 sets of that item have already been sold by then. This cost the company to lose about $400+ in total. I discovered that the wrong price label actually belonged to my colleague who was in charge of that section. Just as I breathed out signs of relief, I soon discovered that I was the one who contributed to the error when I helped him that night. What should I do now? Own up to my mistake and be given a bad evaluation of my performance (at best) and maybe even pay back the company for the losses and lose my job (at worst)? OR should I just keep mum about the whole thing & let my friend take the rap? That night, I couldn’t bring myself to sleep. It was a moral dilemma for me. It was afterall, my first job in a reputable MNC and it wasn’t all that easy in clinching this job. I loved my job and was eager to save my own skin.

The next day, my colleague confronted me and said that I had sabotaged him as a consequence of my carelessness. Besides apologizing, I could only remain speechless before him. What else can I say? But as much as I needed to save this job, I was suddenly conscious of how he would view me or even Catholics in general. I had always been outspoken of my identity as a Catholic. (Blame it on my eagerness to evangelize in my own subtle ways at work) Now, if I were to save my skin today, will I then lose a chance of his potential conversion in future? Would he want to be a Christian/Catholic when he learned that this is how they behave? Could I bring myself to do that? With that thought, the choice seemed clearer to me.

Soon after, I owned up my mistake to my boss and also offered to pay back for the losses. However, my gracious boss told me it's ok to make mistakes. “Do not repeat it and let’s move on” – that’s what he advised. Whew! Seemed like a close shave with death. Looking back, I always felt that this is one of the best decisions that I made. It had been a pivotal point in my spiritual life when I’m reminded of the innate power & potential within me to say “no to evil & temptation”. Temptations may look daunting & overpowering. They seem to give us incessant pressure till we cave in to their requests. But if we could only take time to recall the no. of triumphant victories we had, we will know that we are not as weak as what evil would like us to believe.

The Sun’s (Mar 1) Gospel reminded us that Jesus was led by the Holy Spirit to be tempted by Satan. Next, we also find that not only wild animals were in the desert, but angels too! We definitely do not fight this spiritual warfare alone. Let us take courage & refuge in this!

“…but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more”
~ Romans 5:20

Attachment

I was dragging my luggage the other day while waiting for the lift in KL Airport to come. To my horror, I discovered that the handle of my luggage was broken! What a way to start my business trip in KL.

As I took the cab to my hotel, I was wondering what I should do with this luggage. The practical & logical thought that came to my mind is to get a new luggage & throw this old one away. After all, it has served me well. It has been with me for the past 2 yrs or so. Perhaps it is time for a replacement. And yet, there is another part of me that was reluctant to let it go. And there are a few reasons behind it. For a start, it was a gift given to me by my ex-colleagues. So, it has sentimental reasons. Second, I’m quite a cheapo who try not to waste money getting another bag. Perhaps there’s still hope to salvage it (though it would honestly take a miracle!) But I think the main reason is really this. Somehow, somewhere, before I even know it, this luggage has creep into my life and become a part of it. In every short business trip that I went, it has accompanied me. Or perhaps more accurately, I should say it’s about ME being too comfortable with the familiar. A sudden “interruption” has upset my equilibrium.

And I realized that the luggage is but one of the many other “things” in my life which I’m attached to. My house, my family & friends, my job…the list is endless. Among the most difficult thing to let go is probably my family which I have grown so attached to, esp. with my new nephew & niece. Over these 2 yrs, they have definitely climbed up the chart to be in the top 3 “most important things in my life”. It is strange how my priorities & attachment have also changed over the years without my knowing. Then, there are attachments which are not necessary always good to keep. There are those which I can’t wait to get rid of but have simply refused to leave, or rather difficult for me to let go – my bad habits. Just today, in prayer, I realized that my bad habit of gossiping has creep back. Just half a yr ago, I recalled being fully aware of this bad habit and was taking steps to prevent it from being a part of my life, especially in my workplace. Initially, it was difficult to get rid of but it was definitely possible once you become more conscious of it. Recently, I’ve given in to gossip (which end up being frequent conversation topics) when I join my colleagues for meals. Sometimes, it is almost essential to survival as you uncover the latest happening in the office, as you try to find common topics to chat during lunches. But on further reflection, perhaps they are only excuses to a habit that I can’t get rid of. What is most frightening to me is that I didn’t even detect it when it came creeping back into my life & began its own organic growth! It has become 2nd nature to me that I didn’t even feel that I have done anything wrong.

Well, thank God for lent. I really needed this time once again to sort out my attachments.
a) those healthy possessions which I need to cultivate and turn them into top priorities in my life
b) those false possessions that hinder me from loving God (i.e. those that I may think are important but are really what I should learn to let go) &
c) the healthy & unhealthy habits that I must be aware (esp. those that have creeped into my life)

“Man is created to praise, reverence, and serve God our Lord, and by this means to save his soul. The other things on the face of the earth are created for man to help him in attaining the end for which he is created. Hence man is to make use of them as far as they help him in the attainment of his end, and he must rid himself of them in as far as they prove a hindrance to him.”
~ First Principle & Foundation (Ignatian Spiritual Exercise)

GEM

GEM seems to be the recent buzz word in the retail sector which I work for. In this modern & present age, not only has our economy been growing, but so has our appetite for service, quality & speed. Thus came the GEM (aka Go the Extra Mile) program – an initiative coined by the Singapore government to woo tourists in the retail sector.

However, a recent lunch at one of the restaurants in PS with the present ZJ core team seemed to reflect otherwise. The first thing that I notice when we sat down was the waitress who was serving us. Apparently she had difficulty understanding us when she took our order. This is understandably so since she seem to come from China as by the sound of her accent.

15min into our conversation, our food came – an order of 5 full main sets. What irked me was the way she served our food. She simply passed the plates to the one sitting at the edge of the table & expected us to pass our food down the table ourselves! It is ironic how after slapping us with service tax, we ended up serving ourselves! (PS : This restaurant used to have a self-service policy which explained why they do not charge for service fee) Talk about service!

Later as we were about to walk out from the restaurant, she stood by the narrow walkway, obstructing our passage. As this happen, my eyes began to roll. I walked past her, had a good look at her & was about to lash out my resentment about her. But the image that registered in my mind seemed to be that of a desperate China gal who is here to study and to earn some part-time income to supplement the high tuition fee.

For most part of my meal time I was only centered on my expectation of service par excellence. I have failed to look beyond her job title, her nationality to recognize that she is a fellow sister in need of my understanding & support. It is both scary & yet painfully true about my lack of empathy towards these foreign workers. I often look disinterestedly at the articles in the CN about the church’s needs to embrace foreign & migrant workers. Today, this impassiveness has infected my soul to display this lack of compassion. As much as I have lashed out against social injustice & discrimination, but I guess there’s still a Pharisee within me.

This Lenten period, I’m reminded once again to look at people around me through the eyes of Jesus. The passage during the recent Sun’s gospel reading of the Samaritan woman reminded me of Jesus’s approach to people. He looked beyond their culture, nationality, taboo, sinfulness & appearances to who they really are deep within – precious GEMs. That was the difference that changed the world and that is all that matters this day. And the ROI (return on investment) that resulted – a converted town!

"We are so obsessed with doing that we have no time and no imagination left for being. As a result, men are valued not for what they are but for what they do or what they have - for their usefulness"

~ Thomas Merton