M&M (Mercy & Mission)

Every now and then, IF we pay CLOSE attention, we will realise how we have been embraced by the gracious and salient visit of God. At least this was what happened to me recently - a surprise reminder from a friend, and a badly needed silence from a retreat. Both experiences allowed me to identify with Sun's reading (Lk 18: 9 - 14) which falls on Mission Sunday in the Catholic Church.

Few months back, I got a surprise message from my friend, Grace, who asked me why I haven't been updating my blog? Usual excuses were given : been busy upgrading from free-lance to full time ministry, haven't got time to blog. But the real problem is this : the failure to go deeper in prayer and be aware of the ever presence (present) of our Lord, Himself. And hence, this blog like my soul, remain choked and overgrown with the thorns/bristles and cares of the world.


But the reminder did NOT stop. Over this weekend, I went for a retreat and was reminded on the precious gift of gratitude. During part of the retreat, I needed to step out to give a session on the New Testament to a particular ministry. Just the week before, this ministry had a talk on the Old Testament by Verbum Dei, a religious order whose mission was to proclaim the Word of God. All the members of that religious order has a bachelor in Sacred Theology and was more than qualified to give the talk. But me - who am I to proclaim His word, what insight can I offer? An overwhelming sense of unworthiness swept over me - why did I even say yes to this session? why did the Lord chose me, of all people? I prayed only to be reminded from the passage of 1 Cor 1:26 - 29

"Consider, brothers, how you were called; not many of you are wise by human standards, not many influential, not many from noble families. No, God chose those who by human standards are fools to shame the wise; he chose those who by human standards are weak to shame the strong, those who by human standards are common and contemptible -- indeed those who count for nothing -- to reduce to nothing all those that do count for something, so that no human being might feel boastful before God."

I can only identified with the tax collector in Sun's reading - "have mercy on me, Lord, a sinner" As I reflected on my experience in the retreat, it slowly melt away to a new sense of awe and humility at the graciousness of our Lord. The session was meant not for the ministry, but for me! It is not the qualified who is chosen but the chosen who is qualified by the Lord. No words can explain the "why me?"s, no efforts could "earn" this qualification. I can only accept this gracious gift of being forgiven and chosen by the Lord, like the tax collector.

And the acceptance of this gift has filled me with insurmontable gratitude, to which the only response can only be that of mission. Like the Psalmist who cannot remain silent, I can only share and proclaim the generosity and unconditional love of our Lord. I am thus grateful to be able to write again in this blog. To all those who have given me insight, reminders and support to this experience, I can only say : "Mer-ci" (thank you in french).

A precious story pictures a mother pleading with Napoleon to spare her condemned son's life. The emperor said the crime was dreadful; justice demanded his life. "Sir," sobbed the mother, "Not justice, but mercy." "He does not deserve mercy," was the answer. "But, sir, if he deserved it, it would not be mercy," said the mother. "Ah yes, how true," said Napoleon. "I will have mercy."

Baptism (Mk 1:7-11)

At some points in my life, I can't seem to escape the usual questioning on "who am I?" (what's my worth?) and "what is my purpose here on earth?" (what do I live for?) (read previous blog entry) And I highly suspect that they will continue to haunt me at a later stage in life. Can't seem to shake them off.

But what is most perculiar about this questioning process is not the repeated pattern that has surfaced but the timing of these questions. They seem to bug me everytime I enter into a different phase/situation in life. They happened when I :

a) was in secondary school AND JC, trying to find my sense of belonging,
b) was in army, trying to find meaning in the 2.5 yrs of "wasted" time,
c) graduated, trying to find the "right" job
d) was working, trying to make sense of my contribution & worth
e) was serving in church, wondering if I made a difference - for the better or worse?
f) had to undergo an operation, trying to understand what have I lived for in life?
And the list goes on.

Somehow, it is in periods like this, when uncertainty grips me, that affirmation and encouragement followed suit. They provided a clue to what I needed to do next.
When I took time to recall such moments, I saw them taking flesh in my

a) silent retreat in JC 2 (I found myself : it was my conversion point in life to know Christ again, after leaving church for 3 yrs)
b) year end retreat in JC 2 (I found a community : receiving affirmation from my catholic JC frens that helped me find back my self-esteem)
c) LISS experience when I was in the 1st yr of army (I found my faith : a build up, being touched by the Lord again)
d) weekend retreat with Doulos in my second yr in army (I was affirmed : an extra-ordinary encounter with the Holy Spirit)
d) my job offer with Sony (I found my priority & vallues : after I declined 2 prior job offers which compromise my values & time for ministry!)
e) the many affirmation notes/cards that I received in retreats & Christmas (I found my vocation in ministry : think I was doing something right then)

Penning this reflection, I can only be grateful to the Lord for the graces He has bestowed on me. Understanding the person that I am, provided an impetus for me to find my direction, esp. when I face uncertainty in a different phase in life. i.e. it is in finding the "who am I" that allows the "my purpose here on earth" to happen. This Sunday's reading is on the Baptism of our Lord (Jan 11, 2009). Looking at the life of our Lord Jesus, we find the baptism scene most pivotal to his subsequent temptation in the desert and 3 yrs of public ministry. This baptism scene is not meant only for the High, Almighty Son of God (Up There). But it is equally important & relevant for me today (NOW HERE). Have I been affirmed? Have I affirm someone else?

Baptism should not be viewed narrowly as a once in a lifetime ritual that is gotten over & done with. (Thankfully, we still have the renewal of baptismal promises each Easter Vigil). In a broader sense, everytime I receive an affirmation, it is really a reminder of my baptismal encounter. It is our Heavenly Father (through the mouthpiece of another) affirming us - not for what we do only, but for who WE ARE. "This is my Beloved with whom I am well pleased". The problem with me, when dealing with baptismal topic in RCIA/Y is that I like to quickly jump into the next part - the response of the elects. That translated to a long list of "Should Do/Behave" But for once, I need to get it right. I like to simply dwell & busk in His love & affirmation. Once I know who I am....the rest will take care of itself.


I (Sheila) learned the most about the meaning of affirmation from our friend, Dr. Conrad Baars, until his death, a Christian psychiatrist and author. Dr. Baars found the most common emotional hurt to be a lack of affirmation. By this he meant that many, perhaps even most, people in our culture have not had their goodness revealed to them by another who sees that goodness and loves them unconditionally. And Dr. Baars believed that we cannot become our true selves until we have been affirmed. We discover who we are only when we see our goodness reflected back to us in the eyes of another who loves us. Thus, in his book, Born Only Once, Dr. Baars writes that all of us have been born once - physically. But many of us have never had our second or "psychic birth," because no one has ever affirm us. "


~ Healing the 8 Stages of Life (Matthew Linn, Dennis Linn, Sheila Fabricant)

Happy Birthday!

This has got to be one of my busiest birthday. The day was spent juggling between lunch with family and preparing myself for my new job the next day. Gosh...another year has slipped by without me realizing it! It was only during the close of the day, upon some quiet reflection could I then appreciate the significance of this day.

Considering my recent surgery (read previous blog entry), to be given another year (and more years to come hopefully) is indeed a blessing. This is something which I have always taken for granted. It has indeed been a frightening but awakening experience. The Devil would have liked us believe that we have eternity to prepare ourselves to meet our Creator but the fact is that we could never count on that.

During my recent sharing about the ordeal that I went through, my colleague reminded me if I had considered the blessings that I have received thus far, prior to entering the operation ward. This thought has never crossed my mind. She asked if I was grateful for the fact that :
1) this was only a minor surgery (could have been worse!)
2) I have accomplished something in life - be it contributions at work, in church etc
3) I have been loved by my family, friends (my parents were with me during my operation)

It is strange how the basic things in life, which we were supposed to give praise for, always ended up being taken for granted. They have become a "given" rather than a gift to appreciate. And this is dangerous when we extend the same attitude into prayer. The whole episode has indeed caught me off guard. I am not as strong/appreciative as I thought I was.

And this timely advice from my colleague seem to remind me of one thing - that my life counts for something. For once, my birthday has taken on a new meaning for me this year. It's no longer anticipating about the gifts or well wishes that will come my way. Rather, it's about what I can give of myself. Each year of life, is indeed a blessing and a gift. And it becomes a gift only when I use it - living it to the fullest. So, when my next birthday arrive, it will be a time of blessing (to be grateful for all that I have received & experienced), and accountability. How have/will I live the remaining 365 days?

I Asked God

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve,
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey;
I asked for health, that I might do greater things,
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things;
I asked for riches, that I might be happy,
I was given poverty, that I might be wise;
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of man,
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God;
I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life,
I was given life, that I might enjoy things;
I got nothing that I asked for - but everything I had hoped for,
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered,
I am among all men, most richly blessed.

~ Author unknown

My Blessing Cup

2 of the most popular questions which you cannot avoid during this festive season are :
1) How was your Christmas/New Year?
2) So, how did you spend your Christmas/New Year?

And the taboo is to mention that you spend it at home. This answer will surely evoke a frown on the other party's face, esp. if you are single without kids.

But to be honest, this is the first time that i'm spending both my Christmas & New Year at home since my early childhood/teens. I think age must be catching up cos i didn't feel like a loser. In fact, i totally enjoy this precious time by myself, for myself! For me, the last memorable New Year that i spent was about 2 years back when we did a P&W (led by Angel & Matt) at one of my friend's (Mervin Prakash) place. We paused & reflected on what we wanted to thank God for & then continue the countdown with a P&W.

I think I have been so used to rushing through the year that I often forget to pause & reflect about what has happened. Where was God in my life? Before I bid farewell to 2007, I wanted to recall 10 things which I wanted to thank the Lord. um... but this is quite a struggle (this is an obvious indication of my unreflected life). So, let me try :

1) Serangoon Youth District Rally in Feb (for meeting all the wonderful & capable youths in the serangoon district who have put together this wonderful & evangelical rally. It was a miracle to see all our youths united in the serangoon district)
2) The birth of my nephew, Brandon in Mar - the latest addition in the family (who has brought along so much joy!)
3) Opportunity to make a pilgrimage to Israel in Mar (I was able to journey with wonderful people from the Church of IHM in the footsteps of Christ)
4) Finding a nice occupant to rent out my old house (although it was slightly below market rate) Thank God for the arrangement. Everything just happened so quickly. We found a tenant within 1 month & had to move out all our things within the same timing!
5) The grace to meet my spiritual director - Fr. Vince Hurley for a 30 week Ignatian retreat to build up my prayer life
6) The opportunity to relinquish my role as Adult Advisor in Zion's Joy group. Since then, I think it was a humbling period for me to steer away from session (and becoming proud) and to build up on my spiritual life instead
7) The friendship of my great friend, the late Colin Kang. Thank you for teaching me on what living life to the fullest meant & for making a difference even in your workplace, family & church
8) All the nice colleagues at work, which make the work place a bearable place to be in and one that permits work-life balance
9) The grace to be able to attend many wonderful sessions organized by SPI & ACCS (3 GOD sessions, Kingdom of God, Leviticus/Bk of Numbers, Retreat by SACCRE)
10) The many people in IHM YM, esp those in ZJ, whom I have worked with. You people are SAINTS! I wonder how you were able to be so patient with me despite my many faults.

Lord, thank you for the abundant blessing that you have showered upon me in 2007 (they are more than I could ever know or remember). Not all experiences have resulted in joy, but each one allows me to see you working more clearly in my life. With this, I am confident that I can entrust my 2008 to you. Allow me, Lord, to be excited about what you will do in my life (for me). Give me the grace to be faithful & to co-operate with you.

So, goodbye 2007 & Welcome 2008!