Participating in the Mystery of God

My dad often questioned me about my ministry in church. His questions range from “Why are you always spending time in church?”, “Why don’t you get yourself a girlfriend?”, “Why are you leading the young ones in church?”, “What can they give you back in return?” to comments such as “You should try to network/build your social circle rather than mixing with the young ones”.

Looking back, I often laugh to myself at his questions. I think there’s so much (worldly) truth in them. I can see where these questions came from – the heart of a VERY concerned father looking at his aging bachelor son.

The ultimate question is “what’s really in it for me, at the end of the day?” The answer is really nothing. I only do what I feel called to do. And because I believe in this mission, I must continue in this journey. IF I cease to contribute in leading & guiding the young ones, who will be there to form them? They are our future, the pillars of the church to whom we are counting on. We are going to pass our 2000yrs of tradition, heritage & legacy to them. They must be prepared to handle & lead the church into another millennium.

Yet, from the bottom of my heart, I also knew that my father is right. In every sense of his worldly standard, I’m not going to profit anything out of this. My time could have been more effectively used. But I take heart to know that I share my plight with our Lord Jesus. Did He know what’s “in it” for Him when He began His ministry? How about His cross? His passion & death? Even as God, He was also fully human. He was probably discovering His identity as He journeyed on in life.

It was perhaps this sense of “cluelessness” & “resignation in His Father” that made Him truly God. It was His ability to hold fast His faith in His Father, His enduring love that pulled Him through every nail & blow that struck Him. And it is because of His great example that I take delight to share with all of you that I truly have no answer to my dad’s questions. Are all the efforts, time & sacrifcies that's been put in, pay off one day? It is this “I don’t know” that gives me hope that I could be one inch closer to imitating Christ, in becoming God. That I may one day live this possible hope that He will be in me & I, in Him. That perhaps in our sense of helplessness & cluelessness, we could still contribute to humanity in the best we could. That our loving Father could turn my “drop in the ocean” efforts for His kingdom building. I’m only grateful that I was invited to participate in this mysterious redeeming efforts of Christ. Amen.

"Do not hesitate to love and to love deeply...

The more you have loved and

Have allowed yourself to suffer because of your love,

The more you will be able to let your heart grow

Wider & deeper."

~ Henri Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love

Living with Mystery

I was with a group of friends some months back, taking on yet another personality test to discover about myself (as if i haven't already know who i am!). Strangely, among the 5 different personality tests that i have taken in my lifetime, none has yet to capture my personality with 100% accuracy. But yes, they are good approximates - but they are at best, approximates. i wouldn't totally agree with the results. It is funny how these tests intrigued us as we try to discover something new about ourselves (oh please, who are you trying to kid!) and about others.

I was reminded by Sr. Christina that these tests could never be 100% accurate, as even we, can't say that we TOTALLY understand ourselves. And if we can never fully understand ourselves, how then can we say we totally understand God? At that moment, that truth suddenly hit me. But you see, as human beings, we are not brought up to live with "i dunnos". As little children, we were raised to question, to challenge and to find answers. Which is why even till today (as if our beings aren't complicated enough), we are still seeking to find answers if there are intelligent beings surviving there in outer space.

So, for once, i have learnt to be comfortable to say "i dunno". i need not try to fill in the great ocean into a small sand hole that i dig, by the beach (there is no way i will ever contain it!). I need to be honest to myself & admit that mystery is here to stay. That i am not only human being, but also divine being. I can't fully understand myself, just as i can't fully comprehend God. There's a little divine spark within each of us that allows mystery, and our Indescribable God to dwell within. How and when it happen? - "i dunno".

And by this equation & logic, the only surest way to know God, is when i fully know & accept myself for who i am. For then, we will come to accept this awesome truth in John 10 that "...As the Father knows me and I know the Father...(v10)", "I and the Father are one (v30)", "....that you may know and understand that the Father is in me and I am in the Father(v38)".

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, says the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts"
~ Isaiah 55:8-9