Palm Sunday (Mk 14:1 - 15:47)

St. Paul says in Romans 7,
I do not understand my own behaviour; the good thing I want to do, I never do; the evil thing which I do not want -- that is what I do. So I find this rule: that for me, where I want to do nothing but good, evil is close at my side. In my inmost self I dearly love God's law, but I see that acting on my body there is a different law which battles against the law in my mind. So I am brought to be a prisoner of that law of sin which lives inside my body.

And I find this statement coming alive so very often in my life! Just the other day, I find myself rushing to catch a train for work. I was behind a guy who was tapping his eZy link card slowly.I let out a sign of impatience only to be greeted by him with "What's your problem?" Since I was in a rush, I didn't want to waste further time arguing with him. I hurried along to catch my train. Soon, I find myself in the train, fighting my dilemma if I shld take out my Christian book for a read. Somehow my action earlier did not quite match my identity as a Christian. I should have been more patient. If someone has witnessed what had happened earlier, what must they have thought of me, and of Christians?

There are many angles to look at today's Gospel (Apr 12). I choose to look at it from the perspective of choices. As I journey through life, it becomes clearer to me that I'm not 100% good or bad all the time. Most likely, I'm a mixture. Within me is a confused bystander who cheered Jesus on his triumphant entry and one who vehemently wants to crucify Him. I behave like Peter who swears to stay with Jesus no matter what happens and yet deny Him at the earliest opportunity to save my skin. How and when can I ever be steadfast to the Lord in my Christian journey?

Looking at the Holy Week event in the light of the Resurrection, reminds me that it was through many bitter denials that the apostles learnt to be steadfast to the Lord. This led to the ultimate sacrificial of their lives than the denial of their faith. There must have been many small "deaths" along the way to lead to this final martyrdom. Making a living in today's corporate world is a sure journey towards Jerusalem (figuratively). Today's Gospel invites me to decide on the choices I make. The consolation that I take with me is that I can start my training with the "small deaths" I make each day (e.g. being more patient with a nasty colleague etc) and even should I fall, I only need to pick myself up. I'm not 100% good or bad all the time. But with practice, I hope to inch towards the goal of 100% for Christ.

I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me; and the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. ~ Gal 2:20

The Transfiguration (Mk 9 : 2 - 10)

One fine day, my 2 year old nephew looked to the altar & started saying "strawberry". We were puzzled by what he has just uttered. Where on earth would you find a strawberry at the altar?!! My sis-in-law and I stared blankly at each other. But on closer look, this picture (on your left) does show some resemblance of a strawberry from afar. Yes, it is none other than the sacred heart of Jesus!

This little funny incident indeed taught me a thing or two about contemplation. Contemplation invites us to look beyond the physical or what we know, and enter into the presence of the divine. As a child, many things appear to us as strawberries - our image of God, our understanding of Him, our prayer, the Mass etc. And here, I must admit that I'm still very much like a child when it comes to faith. Every time I think I know enough about God, I'm once again challenged with regards to our relationship & roles. It is not knowing about Him but knowing Him in that intimate & personal level which He constantly invites.

In some way, taking care of little children has opened my eyes about the need for child-like, simple faith. Silly as it may sound, but once a child learns a new thing, they relate everything in that context. In this instance, how could the Sacred Heart look like a strawberry? But imagine the potential of relating to the world, if I could but grasp the love & beauty of God in each person. What will the world become? How would I behave, if I am able to relate in this child-like simplicity? Will this world indeed become the reign of the kingdom that Jesus was here to preach about? For He says time and time again : the kingdom of God is at hand => so near & yet so far. All I need is to let go of all my "think I know everything" mature faith and to embrace the faith of a little child.

Today's Gospel (Mar 8) shows us a glimpse of the power of prayer & contemplation. The transfiguration is not an easy topic to apply in our daily living. I borrow the concept from Fr. Raniero Cantalamessa in his book, "The Mystery of the Transfiguration". In this book, he mention about the power of contemplation that transforms Jesus from within (rather than without). Contemplative prayer, reflection, allows us to search within ourselves so that we may come to know God as He sees us. What follows is a deep sense of feeling loved, secured which empowers us to look & react at the world in a different light.

"In Louisville, at the corner of Fourth and Walnut, in the center of the shopping district, I was suddenly overwhelmed with the realization that I loved all those people, that they were mine and I theirs, that we could not be alien to one another even though we were total strangers. It was like waking from a dream of separateness, of spurious self-isolation in a special world, the world of renunciation and supposed holiness...This sense of liberation from an illusory difference was such a relief and such a joy to me that I almost laughed out loud. And I suppose my happiness could have taken form in the words: “Thank God, thank God that I am like other men, that I am only a man among others.”...I have the immense joy of being man, a member of a race in which God Himself became incarnate. And if only everybody could realize this! But it cannot be explained. There is no way of telling people that they are all walking around shining like the sun...Then it was as if I suddenly saw the secret beauty of their hearts, the depths of their hearts where neither sin nor desire nor self-knowledge can reach, the core of their reality, the person that each one is in God’s eyes. If only they could all see themselves as they really are. If only we could see each other that way all the time. There would be no more war, no more hatred, no more cruelty, no more greed…I suppose the big problem would be that we would fall down and worship each other. But this cannot be seen, only believed and “understood” by a peculiar gift."

~ Thomas Merton, Conjectures of A Guilty Bystander

Moving On (Mk 1 : 29 - 39)

I suspect that at some point in our life’s journey, be it a physical exploration of a new place or a personal decision in life regarding career etc, we come to a crossroad whereby a decision is required. At that juncture, we want to know if this is the time to move on or to stay back? And it is oftentimes not an easy decision to make, especially when it entails the “temptation of two goods”. Few years back, I was faced with such a dilemma in ministry. Both present their fair amount of challenges & opportunities. On one hand, I had grown attach to a particular ministry in my parish due to the heavy investment in time & relationship forged. On the other hand, opportunity presents itself in the form of a new challenge at another church.

Will my staying on allow me to renew the current group – to grow everyone closer to God? Also, can I let go of all the relationships that have been forged? Will I be abandoning the group now if I leave them? Many thoughts ran through my mind. On the other hand, what can I do for this new group if I had moved on? Will the new members in that group accept me as a new comer, with new ideas & new ways of doing things? What if things don’t work out? There is no one size fit all or “model” to the discernment process. What works in a particular situation may not guarantee to work in another.

However, these could be similar thoughts that ran through the mind of Jesus in Sunday's Gospel reading (8 Feb). But we could pick out a few tips from the Lord’s discernment process :

1) deep & long prayer
2) staying focus to his mission
3) attitude of surrender (& openness)

It is amazing how things were turning so well (& I’m sure the disciples are also basking in the new found popularity of their Rabbi), only to be met with a complete different course (and maybe also unexpected), after a night of prayer! (Mk 1: 34, 37) Thereafter, the answer for this radical decision was given : that Jesus was sent to proclaim the good news, and He must press on. Speaking from my experience earlier, I can only surmise that this is no easy decision to make. I can only suggest that an attitude of surrender (of one’s wants & motivations – be it for popularity, of feeling useful etc) and remaining focus to our true self could bring about such a decision. I do not know whether our Lord brought his offerings & mission into prayer or if prayer actually reinforced His attitude of openness and mission. But all 3 elements seem essential and inter-related. Let us learn from our Lord on how we can move on in our lives...

"For this, it is necessary to make ourselves indifferent to all created things, in all that is allowed to the choice of our free will and is not prohibited to it; so that, on our part, we want not health rather than sickness, riches rather than poverty, honor rather than dishonor, long rather than short life, and so in all the rest; desiring and choosing only that which is most conducive for us to the end for which we are created."

~ Principle and Foundation 2, spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius

Epiphany - The Revelation of God

Time flies. It's yet another year to end the Christmas season with the culimination on the Feast of Epiphany. It is not only a big word to understand but coming to terms with it's full meaning & implication seems to take a miracle. And I'm not sure if I could ever do so in my lifetime. But 2 events that I encountered recently reminded me a little of it's meaning.

My friend, Kenneth came by to do some catching up few days back. Strangely, I always thought of him as a popular extrovert, only to be corrected that he's also quite an introvert who prefers time & space for personal reflection. I don't really know him well but was glad that this is a good start to know him. On another occasion, I caught up with another fren who used to date a lesbian. He joked that He wanted to be a Saviour to change her. But in the end, nothing worked out. Nonetheless, knowing him, I believe the real reason is 'cos he has noticed something beautiful within her. Somewhere along his daily encounter with her, he fell more for her. There must be something more about her that we don't know/see.

And I think Epiphany (The Revelation of God) is a little of both events. We need someone or something to show/tell us who God is first. How else will we know Him? And this is the reason for Christmas to culminate in Epiphany - the revelation of God, through the giving of His precious Son. Just like my friend, Kenneth who volunteered information on himself, Christ came to show us who God is, His nature & what He stood for. "To have seen me, is to have seen the Father" ~ Jn 14:9. Today, this revelation continues to come to us through the bible, the teachings of the church and not forgetting the wonderful people around us, who led by their examples. But theoretical knowledge is not enough. We are not merely reading the biography of a historical person. We need to look above & beyond what we see/know. That is what the word "contemplate" means. God is to be experienced. My second friend was able to look past the sexual orientation of the girl he liked (knowledge) to gain a deeper insight into her personality. That could only be brought about by an experience and revelation.

I often wondered what the 3 wise men saw at the stable that night when they found our baby Jesus. A simple vulnerable baby born in the most humble and forgotten place. Have they mistook the tree for the forest? What made them bow down & pay homage to this child as the King of the Jews? Reading Mt 2:11 tells us the story. It reveals only part, not the full nature of the person of Jesus. Only contemplation allows us the space & insight to look beyond what we were told to what is the truth. Only then, can we look with the eyes of the wise men that night to recognise vulnerability as power, humility as majesty, poverty as riches. And until and unless we come to terms with this, through a personal experience/conviction, can we then bring our best before Him (be it gold, frankincense or myrr).

"But they were given a warning in a dream not to go back to Herod, and returned to their own country by a different way." ~ Mt. 2: 12

May we, like the wise men, experience Christ and never go back to our old & sinful ways (Herod=culture of death). Rather, let us be constantly transformed and return back in a different way - renewed & life-giving.

Loneliness & Longing

Beware of young people who will walk up to you for a chat. They will pretend to practice their English with you and ask you out for a drink. The bill will then come up to an exorbitant amount, of which they will feign surprise. Yes...this is what the guidebook for Shanghai warned me. True enough, I had a few encounters of these in Shanghai during my recent business trip. They range from pimps, callgals to innocent youths, who attempted to chat, or rather con me.

What gave me away (my identity as a tourist) would probably be the occasional map reference & photo-taking. Whipping out my map and camera will definitely draw unwanted attention from con artistes. When alerted, their role is to confuse/con us. My recent experience reminded me that these "harassment" happened when they knew that I was alone. Perhaps this is the time when one is often forced to confront the harsh needs/emptiness within, and to search for that solution. Some people call these desires, "longing". They can be understood after a lifetime of reflection as something deeper within, which St. Augustine was most commonly quoted "our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee". Or, they can be mistaken "myopically" for the most convenient substitutes. It is not surprising that during these moments of struggles within, these "forbidden fruits" will suddenly present themselves attractively before you. They can come in many forms such as Internet Gaming, Clubbing, Drugs, Phone/Internet Chats/Surfing, TV/Movie Watching, Shopping and the list goes on. Loneliness and longing are neither good nor bad. But how do we confront them? Where do they leave us? Do we use them as excuses to find quick substitutes to numb the pain or do we see them as opportunities for private time in our personal introspection & development?

When these incessant harassments kept coming in a row, I really wished I was in the company of friends in Shanghai. The need to "lay low" and being on the constant look-out for these "predators" are simply nerve wrecking. Maybe the same can be said of my Christian journey - the importance of journeying together in a community. There's a need for us to rely on each other as companions, as "look-outs". During my journey to the various destination spots in Shanghai, my map & camera remain the most important tools. The map allowed me to orientate myself, keeping me in check. My camera allowed me to seize the moment in time, for future introspection & contemplation. Though these are the same tools that attracted the unwanted harassment but they are crucial in my journey. It would be silly of me to give up the fruits/joys to enjoy the scenic spots because of these slight distractions. I just need to remain firm & overcome them when they come along.

In my Christian living, I have come to terms that I can never eradicate loneliness and temptations along the journey. They present as opportunities to be in touch with a deeper longing within or short term desire for quick-fix solutions. The strive to my heavenly home will need my bible (map) and prayer (camera). But using these 2 tools often warrant the initial struggle to fight off distractions (be it internal or external). Many give up for fear of attracting/fighting off the distractions. But they remain essential if I were to get to my destination. Looking back at my journey thus far, I definitely couldn't have made it, had it not been for the company of friends who aided me to fight off the many "predators" and who provided a lamp unto my feet. So, let's not forget all these tools and experiences on our lives' journey.

Loneliness and longing take us beyond ourselves.
Thomas Aquinas once taught that we can attain something in one of two ways: through possession or through desire.
To quote Karl Rahner, only in the torment of the insufficiency of everything attainable do we know that we are more than the limits of our bodies, our present relationships, our jobs, our achievements and the concrete situations within which we live, work and die.

Loneliness and longing let us touch, through desire, God's ultimate design for us. In our longing, the mystics tell us, we intuit the kingdom of God. What that means is that in our desires we sense the deeper blueprint for things. And what is that?

Scripture tells us that the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, of simple bodily pleasure, but a coming together in justice, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. Ultimately, that is what we ache for in our loneliness and longing: consummation, oneness, intimacy, completeness, harmony, peace and justice.

~ Fr. Ronald Rolheiser

Epiphany

I used to make a checklist of things to do whenever I take my annual leave. This include : reading a book by the beach or the Botanical Gardens, doing my shopping for the latest clothes/books etc. However, I always end up staying at home to be the playmate for my 2 yr old niece. : (

After having done that a few times in early 2007, I hesitated & wondered why my precious leave was spent so unproductively. I wanted to do many things & yet nothing was accomplished. I seem to be wasting time with her, playing some childish games that she likes to amuse herself. (e.g. pretending that we are driving to a goat farm, cooking some hamburgers/hot dogs for her stuff toys). Yes…what is a 34 yr old uncle like me doing? I really think I got to put a stop to all this silly, wasted…

But then, ...wait a minute! If there’s anything that I learn from this experience, it will be the realization that I am not really far away from the behaviour of a child. Though my niece would long for my companionship (here & now), I’m pretty sure she’ll grow up one day, forgetting this play time that we spent together. And in many ways, haven’t I already forgotten the many beautiful moments that I spent with my loving Father? Like a child, I will never be able to fully “repay” the moments spent together.

God is constantly “wasting” His time with me. Like the Prodigal (aka lavish) Father, He’s eager for my company. Just as it didn’t matter to me that my niece should recall the times we had together.. God only asks that I enjoy the moment – Being together WITH HIM. He does not ask that I repay Him nor comprehend what all this may mean. It’s a gift that I can only accept & savour. It’s too great a gift for me to understand it’s immense sacrifice & mystery. Perhaps, this is what the Epiphany is all about. What did the magi see in this vulnerable baby Jesus for them to pay him homage as the King of the Jews? Was it blind faith, or divine wisdom that allowed them to see Him beyond the guise of a child?

It’s ironic how a child would cling onto you in their early years, only to crave for independence in their adolescence. In so many ways, so has my spiritual journey been. In the beginning, I crave for His presence & loving touch. But once things begin to go my way, I seem to forget about Him & to start craving for my own independence. Like the 3 Magi, I need this epiphany every now & then. To know & accept that i will forever be a child in the eyes of my loving Father.

PS : This entry is dedicated to my little newphew, Brandon on his baptism on the feastday of the Epiphany (6 Jan 2008). May you grow in the wisdom & love of our Lord Jesus. May you always remain like a child before the presence of our Loving Father.