Grain that dies (Jn 12: 20 - 33)

I do not know when & how it all started or evolved. But it often began with my name follow by "where I am studying, (field of study)" to "where I am working (my designation)". At least this was how I grew up introducing myself since my schooldays right up to the present day. How do you introduce yourself or your friend?

The late Father Basil Pennington in his book, "True Self/False Self" reminds us that our "false" self stems mainly from :
1) What I have
2) What I do
3) How others see me
Or rather, this is how we perceive or construct our identity to be. I found myself nodding my head in agreement when I read this.

Being an introvert, I grew up like all teens, desperately trying to find acceptance and belonging. In searching for this self-identity, I found myself conforming to social norms to dress fashionably - Buy the "latest trend". I recall buying my first $29 Hang Ten sweater at the age of 15. Who cares if the weather is 31ºC outside, the important issue here is "how others see me" based on "what I have". Of course, as one would have guessed, I outgrew the brands but not the false self. Soon, I was moving off to Levis, Guess, cK etc. Being in the marketing field, I should only know too well that brands portrays our self-concept, but never the reality. At the heart of it, I want to look good, to be someboday - preferably as hot as the models wearing the brands. But stripping these possessions away, I'm really no different from the person next door.

Today, as we inch nearer to Passion Week, I found myself asking this question : So, who am I (really)? The Gospel today (Mar 29), invites me to die to my false self - an identity founded on the 3 criteria listed above. The questions demands that I get in touch with my BE-ING, without the 3Ps - possessions, performances, and projections.

It amazes me when I reflected this :
If I were to be a bystander in Jesus's time, what would He have seen in me when He walked by? What did He see (in me) that still made Him carry on His journey down Jerusalem & finally to Calvary? There must be something within me that He's dying (excuse the pun) to show me..... Maybe I did not realise the famous brand that I'm wearing - the Jesus Brand.

"The unveiling of who we are can be hard for our contemporary culture to understand because there is the frequent assumption that we have the human right just to decide who we are. Identity is not to be discovered; it can be chosen. One chooses which identity one will have today. Identity is a lifestyle option and it is an infringement of my human rights for anyone not to accept that identity. But the smile of Jesus summons me to an identity that is not constructed but given. For my deepest being is indeed pure gift and in attaining it I discover joy.

~ What is the point of being a Christian? Fr. Timothy Radcliffe, OP

Moving On (Mk 1 : 29 - 39)

I suspect that at some point in our life’s journey, be it a physical exploration of a new place or a personal decision in life regarding career etc, we come to a crossroad whereby a decision is required. At that juncture, we want to know if this is the time to move on or to stay back? And it is oftentimes not an easy decision to make, especially when it entails the “temptation of two goods”. Few years back, I was faced with such a dilemma in ministry. Both present their fair amount of challenges & opportunities. On one hand, I had grown attach to a particular ministry in my parish due to the heavy investment in time & relationship forged. On the other hand, opportunity presents itself in the form of a new challenge at another church.

Will my staying on allow me to renew the current group – to grow everyone closer to God? Also, can I let go of all the relationships that have been forged? Will I be abandoning the group now if I leave them? Many thoughts ran through my mind. On the other hand, what can I do for this new group if I had moved on? Will the new members in that group accept me as a new comer, with new ideas & new ways of doing things? What if things don’t work out? There is no one size fit all or “model” to the discernment process. What works in a particular situation may not guarantee to work in another.

However, these could be similar thoughts that ran through the mind of Jesus in Sunday's Gospel reading (8 Feb). But we could pick out a few tips from the Lord’s discernment process :

1) deep & long prayer
2) staying focus to his mission
3) attitude of surrender (& openness)

It is amazing how things were turning so well (& I’m sure the disciples are also basking in the new found popularity of their Rabbi), only to be met with a complete different course (and maybe also unexpected), after a night of prayer! (Mk 1: 34, 37) Thereafter, the answer for this radical decision was given : that Jesus was sent to proclaim the good news, and He must press on. Speaking from my experience earlier, I can only surmise that this is no easy decision to make. I can only suggest that an attitude of surrender (of one’s wants & motivations – be it for popularity, of feeling useful etc) and remaining focus to our true self could bring about such a decision. I do not know whether our Lord brought his offerings & mission into prayer or if prayer actually reinforced His attitude of openness and mission. But all 3 elements seem essential and inter-related. Let us learn from our Lord on how we can move on in our lives...

"For this, it is necessary to make ourselves indifferent to all created things, in all that is allowed to the choice of our free will and is not prohibited to it; so that, on our part, we want not health rather than sickness, riches rather than poverty, honor rather than dishonor, long rather than short life, and so in all the rest; desiring and choosing only that which is most conducive for us to the end for which we are created."

~ Principle and Foundation 2, spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius

Attachment

I was dragging my luggage the other day while waiting for the lift in KL Airport to come. To my horror, I discovered that the handle of my luggage was broken! What a way to start my business trip in KL.

As I took the cab to my hotel, I was wondering what I should do with this luggage. The practical & logical thought that came to my mind is to get a new luggage & throw this old one away. After all, it has served me well. It has been with me for the past 2 yrs or so. Perhaps it is time for a replacement. And yet, there is another part of me that was reluctant to let it go. And there are a few reasons behind it. For a start, it was a gift given to me by my ex-colleagues. So, it has sentimental reasons. Second, I’m quite a cheapo who try not to waste money getting another bag. Perhaps there’s still hope to salvage it (though it would honestly take a miracle!) But I think the main reason is really this. Somehow, somewhere, before I even know it, this luggage has creep into my life and become a part of it. In every short business trip that I went, it has accompanied me. Or perhaps more accurately, I should say it’s about ME being too comfortable with the familiar. A sudden “interruption” has upset my equilibrium.

And I realized that the luggage is but one of the many other “things” in my life which I’m attached to. My house, my family & friends, my job…the list is endless. Among the most difficult thing to let go is probably my family which I have grown so attached to, esp. with my new nephew & niece. Over these 2 yrs, they have definitely climbed up the chart to be in the top 3 “most important things in my life”. It is strange how my priorities & attachment have also changed over the years without my knowing. Then, there are attachments which are not necessary always good to keep. There are those which I can’t wait to get rid of but have simply refused to leave, or rather difficult for me to let go – my bad habits. Just today, in prayer, I realized that my bad habit of gossiping has creep back. Just half a yr ago, I recalled being fully aware of this bad habit and was taking steps to prevent it from being a part of my life, especially in my workplace. Initially, it was difficult to get rid of but it was definitely possible once you become more conscious of it. Recently, I’ve given in to gossip (which end up being frequent conversation topics) when I join my colleagues for meals. Sometimes, it is almost essential to survival as you uncover the latest happening in the office, as you try to find common topics to chat during lunches. But on further reflection, perhaps they are only excuses to a habit that I can’t get rid of. What is most frightening to me is that I didn’t even detect it when it came creeping back into my life & began its own organic growth! It has become 2nd nature to me that I didn’t even feel that I have done anything wrong.

Well, thank God for lent. I really needed this time once again to sort out my attachments.
a) those healthy possessions which I need to cultivate and turn them into top priorities in my life
b) those false possessions that hinder me from loving God (i.e. those that I may think are important but are really what I should learn to let go) &
c) the healthy & unhealthy habits that I must be aware (esp. those that have creeped into my life)

“Man is created to praise, reverence, and serve God our Lord, and by this means to save his soul. The other things on the face of the earth are created for man to help him in attaining the end for which he is created. Hence man is to make use of them as far as they help him in the attainment of his end, and he must rid himself of them in as far as they prove a hindrance to him.”
~ First Principle & Foundation (Ignatian Spiritual Exercise)