Light vs Darkness (Jn 3:14 - 21)

It is strange how this Sun's gospel reading (Mar 22) reminded me of my own conversion story. Although I have shared it so often with people, but this is the first time I'm putting it down in writing. Have you ever find yourself sleeping in late in the morning, only to be awaken by the strong sunlight hitting at your eyes. The feeling is horrible, isn't it - adjusting to the light? But well, it only means = time to wake up!

Having completed my confirmation class in Sec 2, i thought a certain phase in my life is finally "over & done with!" Being the "introvert me" didn't quite help either, since I do not have a Christian community to belong. Naturally, it didn't take long before I de-generated to a Sunday Catholic and the final retired Catholic. Yes, i still remember the initial nagging feeling whenever I missed Sunday mass. But it didn't take long for me to become numb to this "other voice", until it is gradually heard no more. Not going for mass becomes a way of life. A more productive alternative could be used with this time - e,g, study. Of course, this is the clever me at work, coming up with creative excuses.

It was not until in JC 2, when two of my classmates, Alex & Geralding invited me for a retreat with them in CJC that I finally "come to the light". I still recall Geralding inviting me in JC 1 but was turned down by me. I still do not know why, what or how did I agree to this ridiculous offer to attend the retreat in Yr 2. I recall thinking to myself "What can a retreat do to you?" But that fateful retreat showed me all the difference.

It was there, that someone played the audio version of the Passion of Christ. That nailing, panting, suffering, wailing drowned me as I find myself overwhelmed by God's love. Who could this man be, who could be so madly in love with me? And the inevitable & consequential question arise : and Who am I? How can I deserve this love?

The reading today reminded me that this light of God is not here to burn/scorge me. For Christ came to save, not to condemn. What I first experienced in my conversion was not one of guilt, but of unconditional love. This light of Christ comes to awaken me - to my senses; to a love I have previously know only with my head but not my heart. And it is only in this light and understanding, did I realise how far I haved sinned. For to sin is to miss the mark. Indeed, I have gone way off tangent on the course in my life. Thanks to my wonderful friends who have been the light for me, It is now my turn to be the light for others.

But what kind of light will I be? One to condemn (burn) or to save (awaken)? I pray that my conversion will serve to remind & humble me that I was once in darkness. It is in that darkness that I appreciated the light.


It only takes a spark to get a fire going,
And soon all those around can warm up in its glowing;
That's how it is with God's Love,
Once you've experienced it,
Your spread the love to everyone
You want to pass it on.

~ Lyrics from the song, "Pass It On"

Cleansing in the Temple (Jn 2: 13- 25)

Anger may not always be a necessary evil. Well, at least this is something new which I learned from Fr. Michael McGuire, a trained psycho-therapist. Anger represents hope. A hope to change things, a hope for the better. My good friend, Friar Derrick reminded me in a session recently, that we often feel angry because of a sense of justice. Something that rightfully belongs to us/someone is suddenly taken away. And we demand/hope that this is corrected.

We see this taking place in today's (Mar 15) Gospel - the Cleansing in the Temple. I often wonder if Jesus was angry with 1) the idea of the selling, 2) the exhorbitant prices that were unreasonably set &/or 3) the exploitation of the poor (since they do not seem to have a choice - they need to buy something to be used as an offering). In some ways, all these seem to point towards a fundamental abuse of trust & exploitation. And to make matters worse, of all places - the Christian family, the dwelling place of God. Today, I wonder if the very same church is still acting like a market place? Am I also guilty, among those counted in the mercenary traders?

Looking back at my journey in ministry, there were definitely times when 1) the ideas/projects that I "sold" were more self-serving than following the Spirit's directive, 2) I set/expect high standards for one to qualify as member of the ministry (e.g. 90% attendance in the year, including exam period), 3) members were given the ultimatium to adhere to our ministry rules or leave the ministry (members should not "use" ministry only for their emotional support). Often I can & do forget the reason why people join ministry in the first place! They come for worship - a heart-to-heart prayer with God. Coming to Him with all their being, and without pretense. That is who they are and that is what they can offer - all that they have : 2 copper coins. One would expect the church to welcome them with open arms, but I can be that mercenary trader outside, turning a prodigal child away.

So today, instead of channeling my anger towards others, I also need to take a look at myself. Maybe, I need to be angry with myself first. I need to turn this energy to a constructive desire for a positive change. That change that may restore me to my original, rightful state - made in the image & likenes of God. Only then, can I truly live out to be a channel of hope for others.

"Then David's anger was greatly kindled against the man; and he said to Nathan, "As the LORD lives, the man who has done this deserves to die; and he shall restore the lamb fourfold, because he did this thing, and because he had no pity."

Nathan said to David, "You are the man. Thus says the LORD, the God of Israel, 'I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you out of the hand of Saul; and I gave you your master's house, and your master's wives into your bosom, and gave you the house of Israel and of Judah; and if this were too little, I would add to you as much more. Why have you despised the word of the LORD, to do what is evil in his sight?"

- 2 Sam 12 : 5 - 9

The Temptation of Christ (Mk 1: 12 - 15)

When I talk to people about temptation, we inevitably always come to the topic about how many times we have fallen or how difficult the struggle is, during that moment of dilemma. Beaten at our weaknesses and finding creative excuses for our folly seem to be the subsequent focus. But what I would like to share today is also about the times (even if it might be rare) when we were victorious. The occasions where we chose to ignore the calls of our flesh & follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit.

One of the temptations that I could recall happened when I first joined the workforce. I was with my colleague in office, one late evening, to print price labels for a sale event that we were organizing. Since I completed my part earlier, I offered to help him out. The next day, a mistake was discovered during the sale. The price label for one of the items had been under-priced. Unfortunately, 2 sets of that item have already been sold by then. This cost the company to lose about $400+ in total. I discovered that the wrong price label actually belonged to my colleague who was in charge of that section. Just as I breathed out signs of relief, I soon discovered that I was the one who contributed to the error when I helped him that night. What should I do now? Own up to my mistake and be given a bad evaluation of my performance (at best) and maybe even pay back the company for the losses and lose my job (at worst)? OR should I just keep mum about the whole thing & let my friend take the rap? That night, I couldn’t bring myself to sleep. It was a moral dilemma for me. It was afterall, my first job in a reputable MNC and it wasn’t all that easy in clinching this job. I loved my job and was eager to save my own skin.

The next day, my colleague confronted me and said that I had sabotaged him as a consequence of my carelessness. Besides apologizing, I could only remain speechless before him. What else can I say? But as much as I needed to save this job, I was suddenly conscious of how he would view me or even Catholics in general. I had always been outspoken of my identity as a Catholic. (Blame it on my eagerness to evangelize in my own subtle ways at work) Now, if I were to save my skin today, will I then lose a chance of his potential conversion in future? Would he want to be a Christian/Catholic when he learned that this is how they behave? Could I bring myself to do that? With that thought, the choice seemed clearer to me.

Soon after, I owned up my mistake to my boss and also offered to pay back for the losses. However, my gracious boss told me it's ok to make mistakes. “Do not repeat it and let’s move on” – that’s what he advised. Whew! Seemed like a close shave with death. Looking back, I always felt that this is one of the best decisions that I made. It had been a pivotal point in my spiritual life when I’m reminded of the innate power & potential within me to say “no to evil & temptation”. Temptations may look daunting & overpowering. They seem to give us incessant pressure till we cave in to their requests. But if we could only take time to recall the no. of triumphant victories we had, we will know that we are not as weak as what evil would like us to believe.

The Sun’s (Mar 1) Gospel reminded us that Jesus was led by the Holy Spirit to be tempted by Satan. Next, we also find that not only wild animals were in the desert, but angels too! We definitely do not fight this spiritual warfare alone. Let us take courage & refuge in this!

“…but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more”
~ Romans 5:20

Curing of Leper (Mk 1: 40 - 45)

In our present age, with the advancement of medical science, it is not common to encounter a leper (depending on which part of the world you are in) on the streets. Yet, I wonder what will my reaction be, should I meet one. Will I cringe at what I see or will I run for the fear for my life?

What I saw in Jesus during the Gospel Reading (Feb 15) is more than another healing miracle. It helps me better understand the nature and personhood of our Lord Jesus. Today’s healing was more than breaking the rules to “work” (heal) on the Sabbath or the touching of an unclean man. It is about overcoming our basic instinctual needs for survival. Even before He displayed His great love for us in dying on the cross, we can already catch the sneak preview of this crazy lover – a God who loves us (His creation) more than his own life.

Just a few years back, I found myself playing the role of the leper. It was during the SARS period, whereby the slightest tinge of cough or running nose will get people around you paranoid. I was down with a dry cough one day while attending a bible class. It must have been the cold air that got me coughing a while. Suddenly a lady who was sitting next to me just turn and said that perhaps if I’m not feeling well, I shouldn’t be there. I can understand where she is coming from and I do think that there is some truth in what she said. But what made it slightly difficult to accept was that it came from a fellow sister in the community – and to be more specific, a Christian community. What I would really have long to hear was at least a concern (if I was ok), instead of being condemn as a burden to the community.

So, although we will never encounter a physical “leper” today, but there are still many “lepers” around us. They come in the guise of people who long for our acceptance and care. In today’s context, perhaps lepers no longer come in the form of patients but they can still appear as “outcasts” – those who may be socially inept, slow or loud. A few times at work, I’ve also caught myself behaving like one who condemns. Sometimes, my overtly concern for efficiency can overtake my concern for a fellow colleague’s well-being. This reflection serves as a reminder for me on what it feels like to be treated like a leper. I pray for the strength to love like Jesus did – a love beyond my own self. Perhaps it is only then, can I really reach out beyond myself to bring healing, & integration to others.

Today, I like to pay tribute to Blessed Damien. (See biography A or B ) He will be canonized this year by Pope Benedict. A saint who reminded us of the presence of God in the world (1840 – 1889). A saint who loved to the point of being one with his charge. A saint who understood that people are succumbing not to leprosy but abandonment and condemnation.

“I make myself a leper with the lepers to gain all to Jesus Christ.”
~ Blessed Damien of Molokai

Moving On (Mk 1 : 29 - 39)

I suspect that at some point in our life’s journey, be it a physical exploration of a new place or a personal decision in life regarding career etc, we come to a crossroad whereby a decision is required. At that juncture, we want to know if this is the time to move on or to stay back? And it is oftentimes not an easy decision to make, especially when it entails the “temptation of two goods”. Few years back, I was faced with such a dilemma in ministry. Both present their fair amount of challenges & opportunities. On one hand, I had grown attach to a particular ministry in my parish due to the heavy investment in time & relationship forged. On the other hand, opportunity presents itself in the form of a new challenge at another church.

Will my staying on allow me to renew the current group – to grow everyone closer to God? Also, can I let go of all the relationships that have been forged? Will I be abandoning the group now if I leave them? Many thoughts ran through my mind. On the other hand, what can I do for this new group if I had moved on? Will the new members in that group accept me as a new comer, with new ideas & new ways of doing things? What if things don’t work out? There is no one size fit all or “model” to the discernment process. What works in a particular situation may not guarantee to work in another.

However, these could be similar thoughts that ran through the mind of Jesus in Sunday's Gospel reading (8 Feb). But we could pick out a few tips from the Lord’s discernment process :

1) deep & long prayer
2) staying focus to his mission
3) attitude of surrender (& openness)

It is amazing how things were turning so well (& I’m sure the disciples are also basking in the new found popularity of their Rabbi), only to be met with a complete different course (and maybe also unexpected), after a night of prayer! (Mk 1: 34, 37) Thereafter, the answer for this radical decision was given : that Jesus was sent to proclaim the good news, and He must press on. Speaking from my experience earlier, I can only surmise that this is no easy decision to make. I can only suggest that an attitude of surrender (of one’s wants & motivations – be it for popularity, of feeling useful etc) and remaining focus to our true self could bring about such a decision. I do not know whether our Lord brought his offerings & mission into prayer or if prayer actually reinforced His attitude of openness and mission. But all 3 elements seem essential and inter-related. Let us learn from our Lord on how we can move on in our lives...

"For this, it is necessary to make ourselves indifferent to all created things, in all that is allowed to the choice of our free will and is not prohibited to it; so that, on our part, we want not health rather than sickness, riches rather than poverty, honor rather than dishonor, long rather than short life, and so in all the rest; desiring and choosing only that which is most conducive for us to the end for which we are created."

~ Principle and Foundation 2, spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius

Calling of Disciples (Mk 1: 14 - 20)

The upcoming Sun's Gospel reading (Jan 25) reminds me of how the Lord called his first disciples at the most unlikely places - at work! Work and God? No way! They are mutually exclusive. If anything, the closest association I can think of is : religion as a weekend (part-time) job. God suddenly appears when the weekend is here :
- when I have more time for myself.
(Suddenly, I can have time to care for others and be a loving disciple)
- when I go to serve in my weekly ministry at church, attending mass.

In short, I practise religion at my convenience. And so, God is also conveniently remembered. Yet at work, I often wonder how people look at me. Will they find traces of evidence that I am a Catholic? When I entered the work force, I recalled my lofty ambition to climb up the corporate ladder by "hook or by crook".

My friend, Kim (who had a few yrs of working experience) reminded me that as much as there are "politicians" in the workplace who backstab & slander, there are also angels around who are nice & helpful. The choice is mine to make. The corporate world is not just about survival of the fittest, it's also about a witnessing to the values of humanity, love & social justice. I was skeptical but still, her advice stayed at the back of my mind.

When I got my first job, I remembered this case of witnessing that stayed vividly with me. Our admin colleague sent out an angry mail one day about a photocopier machine that broke down. In her mail, she mentioned that the last person who used it, should have reported the incident to her so that she could get it rectified immediately. Instead, the delay has now brought much inconvenience to the department. If you are the culprit, what would you do?

Own up? That's what my colleague Stephanie did! She was a self professed Christian who witnessed to Christ in the workplace. During Christmas, she would give out lollipops with an evangelical message attached to them. She would also correct colleagues about why it should be Christmas and not Xmas = because Christ is the reason.

Though most people would prefer a clean & goodie image, she opted otherwise - to own up & apologise for her mistake. She was in a hurry then and was not able to inform anyone of the breakdown. Somehow, for me, the mistake make her more Christian than if she had remained silent to preserve her good Christian image. She stood for someone who's humble and humane. She showed me that making mistakes is not the end of the world. But walking away from your Christian responsibilities is really the downhill of your career - as a witness for God.

Thanks to her, I've not taken the "hook or by crook" corporate climb. Instead my motto in work : to try bring Christ (love) to others & vice versa. That's just what I want to be remembered for. Not a tyrant, sly director. Yes, I'm still far away from my Christian goal (and the director post as well!) and needs a lot of pruning.

In today's Gospel, we see how the disciples were "promoted" from fishermen to fishers of men. That's the promotion I hope to get in due time.

Nothing seems tiresome or painful when you are working for a Master who pays well; who rewards even a cup of cold water given for love of Him.

~ St. Dominic Savio

Christmas - Our Light of Hope

As I was taking my night flight back from Shanghai, I manage to peer through the window to take one last look at the skyline of the city. It's really beautiful. But it somehow reminded me that all this comes with a price. When I was serving my National Service in Tekong, I recalled how I often admired the numerous stars that I see in the sky. But I could only spot a few of them when I'm in mainland Singapore. Later, someone told me that our tall buildings with their night lights has lit up the sky so brightly that it made it difficult to spot any stars.

About 2000+ yrs ago, 3 wise men followed a star that led them to the child Saviour, tucked away in a manger. If this event is to happen today, will there be any star for them to follow? In a brightly lit world today, we get distracted with so many beautiful & colourful lights. Which is the true light to follow? Today, I see these lights represented as materialism, consumerism and secularism. I too, am guilty of getting distracted with the latest fashion wear, electronic gadget must-have. In this new age, many digital improvements have also demanded my attention. They range from sms, facebook, to msn & emails. All of which has left me with less & less time for myself, yet alone a proper discernment to decipher what's really important in life.

Living in Singapore all my life, I've only encountered a blackout about 2 times. It is during those times, when a simple lit candle could bring much comfort & hope to me. When all the bright lights have failed me, this simple candle light stay true by my side. A comfort to help me find my way in the darkness, a hope that everything will be restored to its original state. Yes, even in the familarity of my own house, I can get lost. Isn't this often the irony in life? We get so used to our daily routine, that we begin to accept the way things are. We stop questioning if there's a more Christian, Loving way to carry out our daily task.

The advent candles are a timely reminder to me for what they stand for. The first candle reminds me of what Christmas promises to bring - Hope, an alternative to what I have to put up with - darkness. The question is whether do I want to step out of this darkness? Just where bad news is the proven headline that brings publicity, can I be the one to herald good news? Can I be the one to make a difference in the lives of those around me?

In him was life, and the life was the light of men.
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
~ John 1 : 4-5

Involve

"If you are not part of the solution, you're part of the problem"
~ Sydney J. Harris

I think there's so much truth in the above statement. What it essentially teaches us is that when faced with a difficult situation, we got to take a stand. We cannot be bystanders and just "hope for the best". It leaves no room for indifference. I'm sure we are confronted with many of such issues in our daily lives. It may range from unjust treatment of migrant/domestic workers to gossiping of colleagues/friends.

The bible highlights this clearly in Revelation 3:15 - 16, where it speaks of those who sit on the fence. They will be spit out eventually. Too often, the Catholic Church has been branded as a sleeping giant. We adopt the waiting stance. We complain about many things but we wait for someone to act, to solve our problems. But in order for our world/church to evolve to a Christic world, it is not enough merely to revolve it round faith & prayer. We need to start getting involved. We need to get our hands dirty & start getting into action. We are not perfect and we have a long way to go. But getting personally involved is a good place to start.

I used to dream of an active & envangelical Catholic community which is the envy of many non-believers. A closely knit community whereby we all know each other because of everyone's active involvement in church ministry. An evangelical community because we are so filled with the fervour and Spirit, that we no longer remain shy or ignorant of our faith. But when will this take place? My dream seems like a far cary from current reality. Should I give it up or wait for that day to come before I contribute? Am I then part of the problem or solution?

I finally decided that my dream will not happen if I do not take the first step to plant the seed. And there's no better place to begin than to start educating & outreaching to the youths today. Hopefully they will grow up to change the world around them. Only they have the ability to lead & shape the church of tomorrow. It has been a great 10 years in youth ministry. My dream today is still nowhere in sight. I may not live to see it fulfilled. But the thought that I am involved in this plan, sometimes shudders me. On reflection, I could only say that it was divine inspiration that kept me going all these years. And it has been a beautiful journey just to be involved (via my own silly & small ways) in the grand plan of God.

Martin Luther once explained that for the Incarnation to take place, 3 miracles were needed.
1) For God to come and dwell in the human form
2) For the Saviour 's birth to come forth from a virgin
3) For Mary to consent and be part of God's salvific plan
And for him, the greatest miracle was the last one.

The smallest deed is better than the greatest intention.
~ John Burroughs

Revolve

The recent financial crisis seems to rock the world of it's conventional and proven methodology. What used to be "secure" or "safe" deposit suddenly doesn't hold fast anymore. What used to be leading companies turned bankrupt overnight, billionaires became paupers and top management find themselves without jobs. "What has happened to our investments?" - became the talk-of-the-town.

I read with interest at one of the articles in "My Paper" this morning. The writer shared on his investments in life - family & friends. It was an unexpected reminder from the usual financial forecast on the outlook of the economy, industry and fund performance. I started to sit back & ask myself "what were my "investments" for the year 2008? What were my ROI (return on investment)? It has always been said that no dying man will ever list down his regret in life as "not spending enough time at work". But ironically, we revolve our world around career advancement & money-making. I still remember an activity that I used to do - shading on a pie chart (that represent the 24hrs of a day), the time "invested" on the various activities on a typical day in my life. As you have guessed it correctly, I spent the most hours on activities that are deemed the least important.

This year however, I was quite satisified on my "investments". I managed to come home a little earlier from work to play with my nephew & niece. Spending time watching them grow up is my "star" investment - something which will never come by again. Without a ministry this year, I also ended up spending time reaching out to friends & ex-ministry members. I'm rather surprised at this unexpected ROI - knowing them on a deeper level than I previously did when I was in ministry. It is likely that I will stick to this "investment strategy" for the next year. My world will continue to revolve around people.

This was the same strategy that Christ took when He chose the hopeless 12 apostles to be his missionaries. Did He have a Plan B? Nope. And I think that's when the world's first "trust" fund started. It was based on the trust of a solid foundation - the goodness within humankind, created in the blueprint of God's image & likeness. Are we bold enough to revolve our lives on this trust?

"The root of Christian love is not the will to love, but the faith that one is loved"

~ Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation

Firm Foundation

The world was thrown into disarray recently with news of repeated tainted milk cases coming from China. It is sad how profits could drive one to adulterate milk with melamine. According to Reuters (Beijing), this has resulted in an estimated 94,000 victims in China thus far. Similar cases were beginning to surface in other parts of the world. As if a conspiracy has been set, we were then struck by yet another setback on the global financial sector - the collapse of the century old Lehman Brothers. This has impacted employees, investors, creditors, and government worldwide. The sub-prime mortgage crisis is like a bubble waiting to be burst that has plagued the US financial sector.

What is significant about both tragedies are the impact that they have wrought and the efforts involved to cover up the harm done. These cases teach us a thing or two in life. It is a timely reminder about accountability and the need for a firm foundation. There is simply no short-cuts in life. There comes a day of eventual reckoning. We reap what we sow. The same can be said about those of us in ministry as well. We never know the impact we have on other people's lives. Thus it is frustrating when we encounter people who gloss over what they impart in faith knowledge, or having insufficent preparation for the liturgy (e.g. choir etc). When we stinge on our preparation, how then can we expect the church to grow with passion, wisdom & mission?

But the output is as important as the input. This is the same principle why some banks & milk companies collapse & others do not. In order to do our mission effectively, we need to address the fundamentals - for whom & why are we doing it? We need to get our foundation right. This is probably the reason why many people today get so frustrated & despondent about ministry work. Many people claim that they are doing it for God but left unchecked, the real motive could for self acceptance, recognition, power etc could creep in. Jesus needs to be the foundation upon which we build our mission.

Sometimes, our involvement with ministry started out with good intentions, but along the way, our self interest took control. The questions raised by most frustrated victims of the 2 recent cases were : "how on earth did the actions escape detection?". Somehow, a checklist/control measure was missing or that the corporate culture was so strong that employees (or those in the top management) were led to believe that they did the right thing, and no harm was done. Today, I wonder if I too, have fallen prey to this fallacy. Have I stop to check on my values & actions? Following the crowd may not always necessarily be the right thing to do.

For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit;
For each tree is known by its own fruit.
For figs are not gathered from thorns,
Nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush.
The good man out of the good treasure of his heart produces good,
and the evil man out of his evil treasure produces evil;
for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.
"Why do you call me `Lord, Lord,' and not do what I tell you?
Every one who comes to me and hears my words and does them,
I will show you what he is like:
He is like a man building a house, who dug deep,
And laid the foundation upon rock;
And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house,
And could not shake it,
Because it had been well built.
But he who hears and does not do them is like a man
Who built a house on the ground
Without a foundation; against which the stream broke,
And immediately it fell, and the ruin of that house was great."
~ Luke 6 : 43 - 49

Happy Birthday!

This has got to be one of my busiest birthday. The day was spent juggling between lunch with family and preparing myself for my new job the next day. Gosh...another year has slipped by without me realizing it! It was only during the close of the day, upon some quiet reflection could I then appreciate the significance of this day.

Considering my recent surgery (read previous blog entry), to be given another year (and more years to come hopefully) is indeed a blessing. This is something which I have always taken for granted. It has indeed been a frightening but awakening experience. The Devil would have liked us believe that we have eternity to prepare ourselves to meet our Creator but the fact is that we could never count on that.

During my recent sharing about the ordeal that I went through, my colleague reminded me if I had considered the blessings that I have received thus far, prior to entering the operation ward. This thought has never crossed my mind. She asked if I was grateful for the fact that :
1) this was only a minor surgery (could have been worse!)
2) I have accomplished something in life - be it contributions at work, in church etc
3) I have been loved by my family, friends (my parents were with me during my operation)

It is strange how the basic things in life, which we were supposed to give praise for, always ended up being taken for granted. They have become a "given" rather than a gift to appreciate. And this is dangerous when we extend the same attitude into prayer. The whole episode has indeed caught me off guard. I am not as strong/appreciative as I thought I was.

And this timely advice from my colleague seem to remind me of one thing - that my life counts for something. For once, my birthday has taken on a new meaning for me this year. It's no longer anticipating about the gifts or well wishes that will come my way. Rather, it's about what I can give of myself. Each year of life, is indeed a blessing and a gift. And it becomes a gift only when I use it - living it to the fullest. So, when my next birthday arrive, it will be a time of blessing (to be grateful for all that I have received & experienced), and accountability. How have/will I live the remaining 365 days?

I Asked God

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve,
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey;
I asked for health, that I might do greater things,
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things;
I asked for riches, that I might be happy,
I was given poverty, that I might be wise;
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of man,
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God;
I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life,
I was given life, that I might enjoy things;
I got nothing that I asked for - but everything I had hoped for,
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered,
I am among all men, most richly blessed.

~ Author unknown

Faith-Book

A fren once asked me why I go about profile-surfing on people in Facebook. And I thought to myself : Why not? Shouldn't this be the case?

An article on 13 Aug in Straits Times, shares how some youths surveyed felt that Facebook (touted to be the most popular social net-working site) did not help enhance their relationships. And the reason is not unfamiliar to most of us. It is easy to add a friend. But what happens next? How much of these "friends" do we really know or bother to find out? If not careful, Facebook could reduce to a number game. And when that happens, it can become a competitive game whereby we boast our popularity by the number of frens we have amassed. A chat with many friends revealed that many of them were not aware that I have a blog (even though my blog address was clearly stated on my facebook). On the same survey finding published by Straits Times, some have also commented that gossips/curiosity about their friends' dates, profiles, blogs has also become one of the reasons why they were addicted to Facebook.

So, I guess it's too early to comment if Facebook is indeed helpful in our "networking". It is about a choice of usage. It requires some occasional soul-searching. Inevitably, this led me to question my motive to join Facebook and to answer my fren's question. I was first invited to Facebook by a close friend, (read previous blog entry) who has passed away . Back then, I wasn't interested to join any of these on-line networking, as I think it was a waste of time. Well, that was not untill his untimely death in Dec. Since then, I often regreted. I have lost a friend and a part about him through the profile/pictures in his facebook. He could never click to accept my friendship in Facebook and be counted as one of my "inner circle". Ironically, becos of him, I decided to come online - to make a difference. Yes, to reach out and to treasure others (while I still can), whom I may otherwise not have the opportunity due to physical/time barrier. To thank God for the gift of friendship which I have often belittled & taken for granted. And thus perhaps becos of this, I find it important to get in touch with my friend's situation, to drop an occasional mail to those whom I have lost contact or are gradually losing contact. I must say that I have yet to get in touch with all 160 friends (as of today), but I am still working on it!

But much more than just knowing/re-connecting with someone, Facebook today has also extended to business networking, marketing for classes & investments etc. I too hope that Facebook and this blog can also serve another purpose. That I can use this to share my faith, and my struggles in life with others. That I can reach out to one more person - to let them know that they are not alone in their faith. Perhaps then, one day, this will not be just a Facebook but also a Faithbook. In this new age of technology, perhaps we can build online global Christian communities like how the early Christian community in Acts 2 started. Imagine the speed, possibilities & the new ways of evangelizing that has come about in this exciting new millennium!

"The person who has been evangelized goes on to evangelize others. It is unthinkable that a person should accept the Word and give themselves to the kingdom without becoming a person who bears witness to it and proclaims it in turn."

~ Pope Paul VI, on Evangelization in the Modern World (EN)

WYD Special - WYD (D+5) Reflection

STAND UP FOR YOUR FAITH

Honestly, i couldn't figure out why we must go through a vigil with the Pope to mark the closing of WYD. Is this really necessary? Braving the cold winter night outdoor, breathing the dust at the racecourse, crowding with many other thousands of pilgrims for a bed space, toilet facilities (yes, the list of complaints go on)....Though i may not necessary possess a satisfactory answer but the vigil has taught me a thing or two...

1) Faith is not a bed of roses
It is one thing to declare that Jesus is Alive in the comfort & warmth of my home and it's another thing to share this faith with many others when the going gets tough. Having to carry my own sleeping bag, mat & outdoor clothes, to travel a journey to the racecourse for the vigil is no laughing matter. No roses, only a bed of dust awaits. But the Gospel text reminded us that whoever wants to be a disciple of Christ must first learn to deny himself, take up the cross & follow Him. The final acid test is here : how far will I go for Jesus?

2) Faith is not a lonely journey
Faith is never about me & my sweet Jesus only. It is feeling solidarity with our brothers & sisters. Tonight, i finally got to experience what it means to be out in the cold & to feel hungry. Faith is about awareness that my bro/sis around me is in want/need. Reaching the Racecourse, I noticed how 2 frens were accompanying a handicapped fren to the vigil. They took turns throughout the night to ensure that their fren is kept warm. Wherever possible, they tried to help him out of his wheelchair, to stand up & feel the atmosphere - the spirit of the energy & the sure presence of our Lord. That to me, is faith. I'm not there just to receive, but also, what have i given (of myself)? That is, a more important question than "what's in it for me?"

3) Faith is about witnessing
"stand up and be counted" so they say. Perhaps not in the literal sense of every word. As we left Randwick after the night out, I notice a gal on her wheelchair. Ever wonder why these people go through the length for the vigil? It beats me. Our faith is only made possible cos of the many people who believed & died for their faith. It is handed down to us so that we too, might believe. I often complain & grumble & challenge the many things we do. But looking at this lady on a wheelchair reminded me to count my blessing and not take my faith for granted. It's time to "Rise Up" & witness to my faith!

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.
~ Hebrews 11 : 1

WYD Special - WYD (D+1) Reflection

Purpose Driven Life

When the Purpose Driven Life book by Rick Warren was first out, it resulted in sell-out success across many Christian bookstores. And the most probable reason is 'cos this book prompts us to search & answer life's ultimate questions on "why am I here?", "what's the purpose of my life?". Regardless of age, these are classic questions which one raises from time to time.

I find myself pondering critically over this as I sat down for my dinner, after the Asian Night performance at Olympia, Sydney. I was hungry and only ate my dinner at 10pm after rushing from place to place for the Youth Festival (catechetical program), while everyone else has already taken their dinner. Why did I rush from place to place today? What have I gained in the end? Is it worth it? These thoughts ran through my mind as I chew my food grudgingly at Macs. I just had Macs two nights ago and was definitely hoping for a change of menu. But I had no such luck as most stores have already been closed since 7pm.

Just then, I noticed a long purse at the foot of the table, where I was eating. Has someone dropped it accidentally? Is this going to be my lucky day? Will I get an unexpected windfall from the wallet? I waited a while before realising that a fellow pilgrim (from another country), seated opposite me, has just left the seat. She returned and continued to chat with her friends. I waited for a few minutes before clarifying with her. She looked at the wallet on the floor and sighed a huge relief, before picking it up.

A thought suddenly flashed through : What if, my purpose for tonight, was merely to brighten another pilgrim's day by preventing the loss of her wallet? I took heart to know that I could have been chosen by God to make a difference in someone's else's life. Having lost some things in life, I can imagine how difficult & frustrating the whole process might be, esp. for someone who lose their personal belonging in a foreign land. Isaiah 43:3-4 reminds us of how God gave up nations & people in exchange for Israel (us). We are who & where we are today, as a result of the people whom God has sent into our lives to prepare us. Looking at my own conversion & faith journey, I know this is true. Reflecting on all that has happened, I can only be grateful for the turn of today's events. I would not have chosen to live it otherwise. Nothing beats being there for someone. Perhaps, I've been prepared for this day. And Perhaps, I've also planted a seed of faith today.

Soon, I found myself shifting the thought from "what/how can I gain" to "how can I serve You, Lord, better?" Though we often ask about life's ultimate questions, but perhaps, part of their answers are to be found from without (in the other party), and not just from within (ourselves). And the answer cannot be more simple than this : We are made in the image & likeness of God, whose DNA is none other than love. And love isn't love until it is given away (to the other party).

"The simplest way to describe God's poverty & humility is in terms of love. Love gives itself away - this is God's poverty. Love turns towards the other so it can give itself to the other - this is God's humility. In the Incarnation, God turns towards us through the Son/Word and gives (him)self to us as love.

~ Ilia Delio, The Humility of God : A Franciscan Perspective

WYD Special - Pre WYD (D-1) Reflection

EVANGELIZATION

Today, I ventured into St. Andrew's Cathedral (Anglican Church), next to Queen Victoria Building. An elderly couple greeted me. After realizing that I was a Catholic, they tried to evanglize to me, quoting that faith is the key to justification and not good works. Yes, I cld see a little red sea parting in our conversation. But what striked me halfway through our conversation was her question : to what extent are you willing to give up your life for God, right now? If you were to meet Him now, do you think you are ready?

Wow....what morbid questions to start WYD! i definitely wanted to meet the Pope first, Jesus later....but somehow, these distrubing questions lingered within me. What am I prepared to give up for God? The couple was sharing with me on how their son gave up his high paying job to become a pastor and to migrate to Sydney. That was certainly a modern Abraham before me. What about me? um...the Lord is indeed inviting me to go deeper with Him in our relationship. Yes, will my response be like the rich young man in the Gospel? God certainly has a unique way to appear in the most unlikely place, at the most inappropriate time and via the "not exactly the type of people you like to meet" to bring about His evangelization. I was definitely looking for inspiration through the WYD event, not somewhere here.

Then just as I stepped into the busy corner of Queen Victoria Building, I witnessed another form of evangelization. This time, it is from my fellow pilgrims. As you can see from the video (see bottom of this entry), it's another subtle, friendly & cheery form of evangelization. Yes, I am suddenly aware that WYD is finally here. It has started. Will I be brave enough like them, to do such a street evangelization, esp. at the heart of the city? Will I be willing to make a fool out of myself, to spread the word of God? I was really touched by the sight before me. I often wonder, if St. Peter was to live in our present day, would he also choose this form of evangelization for his message in Acts Chap 2 : Courageously picking a busy junction, to proclaim the death & resurrection of our Lord, just as these people did.

The silly me, with my high & lofty aspirations to evangelize, has indeed been humbled by what I learn today :
1) Evangelization can take place anywhere, at any occasion, and with anyone (yes, even those you least expected)
2) I need to recall how I was first evangelized (recalling the last time I was evangelized/touched by someone's sharing/actions etc) and to take that as my inspiration
3) Yes, it takes more than courage but also THICK-SKIN! haha. Evangelization can come in various forms - via tense challenging questions, and sometimes, in light-hearted manner. Yes, maybe even in a dance/song! (um....maybe, just maybe, even through this blog)

But, it's always the same Lord we proclaim and the same Holy Spirit who gives the inspiration to invite/remind/challenge us to what we need to hear/think/do.

“Preach the gospel at all times; use words if necessary.”
~ St. Francis of Assisi

WYD Special - Pre WYD (D-3) Reflection

SYDNEY!

Well, the moment I've been waiting for is finally here! After checking into YHA, we went to George Street to explore Sydney. As we roamed the streets, I came across some demonstrators. They were playing in a band to get people's attention. Some of them carried a long banner, while others solicited for petitions from bystanders to support their cause for human rights.

Their actions amused me initially. What are they trying to do? Do people really care about their cause? But on a more serious note, I wonder "why do they even do it?", "Does it make a difference?" With every 100 people who passed by, perhaps they were looking for that 1-2 people who would stop and make a stand - to support their cause for human rights. And that's all they needed - to make their cause known & to get people to pause amidst their busy-ness. To remind them that despite how small their efforts may be (by just penning down their signatures), it is, at least, a good start.

Looking at this sight, I can't help but wonder if this upcoming WYD could also make this difference. Despite the massive traffic problems that we pilgrims have brought to Sydney, it is my prayer that we could evangelise to the residents here. That even though the world around us continue to rush about their day, some 150,000 registered pilgrims from all over the world, has chosen to set aside a week in Sydney, to proclaim an important truth. I hope people could question our "why" rather than the "what" we are here. We have come to witness to our cause - that Jesus is Alive! We have come together, despite our diversity to share in this 1 common, catholic faith. Though I still do not know what role I play in this WYD, but I'm glad to be part of these 150,000 pilgrims. What & how do we make that difference? I dunno.

Towards the end of our WYD week, I met an Australian lady (from Melbourne) at St. Mary's Cathedral. She turned around & told me : Thanks to you pilgrims, our Prime Minister has made the announcement today, that we will have a dedicated ambassador to the Vatican City. (In the past, they have 1 ambassador that was shared between Ireland & Vatican). You have all made that difference. It is a start of a deepening relationship between
Australia & The Vatican.

I can't help but to thank God silently in my heart, that His seed of love, has indeed been sown in Sydney. We have indeed "Receive the Power" - to bear witness, starting from this end of the world (the southern hemisphere). It is definitely a start; the beginning of a journey.

"Who is Jesus to me?"
Jesus is the Word - to be spoken
Jesus is the Truth - to be told
Jesus is the Way - to be walked
Jesus is the Light - to be lit
Jesus is the Life - to be lived
~ Mother Teresa

Participating in the Mystery of God

My dad often questioned me about my ministry in church. His questions range from “Why are you always spending time in church?”, “Why don’t you get yourself a girlfriend?”, “Why are you leading the young ones in church?”, “What can they give you back in return?” to comments such as “You should try to network/build your social circle rather than mixing with the young ones”.

Looking back, I often laugh to myself at his questions. I think there’s so much (worldly) truth in them. I can see where these questions came from – the heart of a VERY concerned father looking at his aging bachelor son.

The ultimate question is “what’s really in it for me, at the end of the day?” The answer is really nothing. I only do what I feel called to do. And because I believe in this mission, I must continue in this journey. IF I cease to contribute in leading & guiding the young ones, who will be there to form them? They are our future, the pillars of the church to whom we are counting on. We are going to pass our 2000yrs of tradition, heritage & legacy to them. They must be prepared to handle & lead the church into another millennium.

Yet, from the bottom of my heart, I also knew that my father is right. In every sense of his worldly standard, I’m not going to profit anything out of this. My time could have been more effectively used. But I take heart to know that I share my plight with our Lord Jesus. Did He know what’s “in it” for Him when He began His ministry? How about His cross? His passion & death? Even as God, He was also fully human. He was probably discovering His identity as He journeyed on in life.

It was perhaps this sense of “cluelessness” & “resignation in His Father” that made Him truly God. It was His ability to hold fast His faith in His Father, His enduring love that pulled Him through every nail & blow that struck Him. And it is because of His great example that I take delight to share with all of you that I truly have no answer to my dad’s questions. Are all the efforts, time & sacrifcies that's been put in, pay off one day? It is this “I don’t know” that gives me hope that I could be one inch closer to imitating Christ, in becoming God. That I may one day live this possible hope that He will be in me & I, in Him. That perhaps in our sense of helplessness & cluelessness, we could still contribute to humanity in the best we could. That our loving Father could turn my “drop in the ocean” efforts for His kingdom building. I’m only grateful that I was invited to participate in this mysterious redeeming efforts of Christ. Amen.

"Do not hesitate to love and to love deeply...

The more you have loved and

Have allowed yourself to suffer because of your love,

The more you will be able to let your heart grow

Wider & deeper."

~ Henri Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love

Where Is the Love?

Reading the newspaper article recently made me wonder what the world has become. I believe this is the 5th case that I read so far about another teenager opening fire in his campus within a year! What actually happened? Was it his upbringing? Or has life been undervalued & taken for granted? One wonders if it was the immense pressure within the killer, the rejection and/or abuse that he faced that contributed to this senseless & cold blooded shooting. It’s almost as if an invisible, pervasive & uncontrollable force overwhelmed him that day & dragged him out for a murder spree.

When reports like these surfaced before you repeatedly, I cannot help but wonder if evil has triumphed & goodness forgotten. It reminded me immediately about the parable of the wheat vs weeds. The parable did not answer why the weeds were allowed to grow together with the wheat but it pointed us to the final result – the wheat will be gathered while the weeds will be uprooted & thrown out. This morning, like similar ones that I have witnessed previously, I am once again reminded of the goodness that continues to exist. While commuting in a crowded train to work, I witnessed a young lady giving up her seat to a pregnant woman. It is little daily actions like these that reminded me that goodness, with her soft, unnoticed, little voice, still prevails. For every bad report publicised in the media, there are probably 10 other good deeds that have gone unnoticed.

There are often a few theories when it comes to Christ's Incarnation. Some believed that there's so much stuborn-ness & irreparable evil/damage in the world that God has to activate His Plan B - to send His only Son to earth to redeem us. Another advocated that God made the world and proclaimed that "it was good" (Genesis). It was so good that He has to come & dwell in His creation, to live among them, to proclaim His kingdom is in their midst. um...let us pause & entertain this thought for a moment. Is it far-fetched? Can we accept this as a possibility and truth? The kingdom is already here?! It's within & with-out us. I only need to see & realise that. And the scary sequeal to it, is this : I got to start living/behaving like I am in the kingdom! Christ came to show us how to start living - in every literal sense. To give us life to the fullest. And I am capable of every good/bad deed. Every day, I'm challenged to be the herald of good/bad news. The kingdom of God begins with me. The choice is mine to make.

“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.”

~ Anne Frank

The Pulley Principle

“You do know how the train function, right?” my colleague who doubled up as my Penang tour guide, asked me.

“Don’t they all work the same way?” I replied her with the usual dumbfounded look.

"How unusual can one of the oldest train in Penang be?" i thought to myself.

I learned that this was the primary mode of transport that ferried the British people (during the early settlement) up the Penang Hill (which is about 833m above ground) in the 19th century. It was much more cooling staying up in the Hill.

“Well, it works on the same principle as the pulley. When one train comes down, it actually “pulls up” the other train in the opposite tracks. That’s how they work”, my friend explained.

“Amazing…” I thought to myself. Leveraging on the strength of the other! For once, an “opposing force” is to be appreciated and not reckoned.

As I took the train down Penang Hill, memories of my days in church ministry came flooding back. Back then, being in a role that is accountable for the survival & purposefulness of the ministry, it is my upmost concern to ensure that members give their best to God – i.e. they need to give their 100% (or rather. 101%) commitment to the ministry. I spent little time trying to understand those who could not. I would often write them off as uncommitted (or not quite ready to serve yet) or confused (i.e. this was not the ministry for them). And then when attendance dips, which resulted in the stretch in manpower (esp. in service projects), I begin to wonder what went wrong. Were the members too young/immature for responsibility?

But it began to get clearer now as I sat in the train, while watching another train come up. For people to be able to realise their potential, they need support & encouragement. Someone has got to “come down” so that they can “go up”. What is needed is the journey down to understand the other party – to be compassionate – to lend support. When that happens, we need not worry about what instructions or advice to give. By the same principle of the pulley, in so coming down, we would have already helped the other party to begin their ascent upwards (be it consciously or sub-consciously). What was lacking in me, was the journey down – to be with that person. Often times, the Lord remain with His people, despite their hurts & brokenness. HE allowed them the time & space to be where they are. Even if they come or remain with their anger, unforgiveness, sinfulness, they were all welcomed & understood. But once they soak up His love for them, that is when they start to change and to draw towards Him.

Perhaps this is the wisdom of the Incarnation hidden from our ever high & lofty eyes. God knew that for us to ascend to Him, He needs to first come down & reach out to us. So, the next time that i expect someone to be as committed or loving as myself, i need to suspend that pre-judgmental thought in my mind & apply the “The Pulley Principle”. Looking back at the amount of time spent in serving the church, I also knew that all this could not have been possible had it not been for the quiet but essential support from my family & friends. Had my mother not helped me in my weekly laundry etc, I’m most certain that part of my time would be spent on houshold chores. i would not be able to give as much as I could. They have indeed come down to my aid, so that i may rise beyond myself to reach out to the those around me.

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them."

~ Thomas Merton

The Meaning of Death

One of the proposed passages that I chose for Colin's funeral mass was the one in John's Gospel (Chap 12) : "unless a wheat grain falls on the ground and dies, it remains only a single grain; but if it dies, it yields a rich harvest." (hope he liked it!)

But the mind boggling question that arise from this line is : So, when does death start to give meaning?

a) is it measured by the turn-out at funeral wake/mass?

b) does it depend on our memories/encounters with the deceased?

c) or only when it becomes a reminder for us to treasure the loved ones around us?

But then again, haven't we already attended a few funerals in our lifetime? Where have they left us? Where & when have we changed? How have we been different since the last funeral wake/ mass? Oftentimes, we like to adopt the "spectators mentality" - questioning & lamenting. I think there's nothing wrong with that. It's part of the griefing process. But it stopped short of any futher involvement in our lives. The world continues to spin even if it seemed like it had stopped momentarily during the passing of our loved ones.

But i think death gives meaning when & unless it triggers a change in the way we continue to live our lives. A change that iluminates hope, meaning & inspiration. Preparing for Colin's funeral mass is by no means, an easy feat. The whole saga took me a full day & night's work. But I can't say that the prep has given any meaning to me (based on my above criteria). If anything, perhaps it helped me in my grieving process, knowing that i could be of help to his family (thereby reducing that guilt feeling). But Colin's gone. Nothing i could do could really have "helped him" in anyway.

But it's only upon further reflection abt the way he lived his life & what he stood for that gave me this hope, meaning & inspiration. During his lifetime, he lived life to the fullest, balancing between work, family & church. He gave his life to help the youths in church. There were many untold charity works that he did in his capacity as a lawyer (i only learnt abt it from the New Paper report!). i failed pale in comparison. How have i been a Christian at work? How could i have further encourage the youths in church? It is not so much for the sake of comparison, but rather, have i loved as Jesus has loved? That's what Colin lived & did.

Colin was a sociable friend who treated others with kindness, generosity & sincerity. His whole death, has inspired me to join facebook to keep in contact with others and to use this God-given technology to share my faith story. And hence this blog is born for this purpose. How is it going to work? i'm not too sure. But like Colin, i will take each step as it comes, and to give life to this blog - "to the fullest". In so many ways, i'm invited to continue living the life of Colin, always reaching out. Now, i understood what the disciples went through when the Lord was no longer with them. They must have relied on their past memories - of the happy times spent on fishing, feasting, travelling together. They must have reflected on what Jesus stood for, of His question, "Who do you say I am?". But most importantly, the disciples gave meaning to Christ's life & death when they become Christ to others in the world. In the words of St. Paul in Galatians - "it is no longer i who live, but Christ who lives in me." That's the change. That's when death gives meaning. And that is all that matters. The rest is His-story.

What about you? How has death given meaning to you?

"...once you learn how to die, you learn how to live...the things you spend so much time on - all this work you do - might not seem as important. You might have to make room for some more spiritual things."

~ Morrie in Tuesdays with Morrie.