Light vs Darkness (Jn 3:14 - 21)

It is strange how this Sun's gospel reading (Mar 22) reminded me of my own conversion story. Although I have shared it so often with people, but this is the first time I'm putting it down in writing. Have you ever find yourself sleeping in late in the morning, only to be awaken by the strong sunlight hitting at your eyes. The feeling is horrible, isn't it - adjusting to the light? But well, it only means = time to wake up!

Having completed my confirmation class in Sec 2, i thought a certain phase in my life is finally "over & done with!" Being the "introvert me" didn't quite help either, since I do not have a Christian community to belong. Naturally, it didn't take long before I de-generated to a Sunday Catholic and the final retired Catholic. Yes, i still remember the initial nagging feeling whenever I missed Sunday mass. But it didn't take long for me to become numb to this "other voice", until it is gradually heard no more. Not going for mass becomes a way of life. A more productive alternative could be used with this time - e,g, study. Of course, this is the clever me at work, coming up with creative excuses.

It was not until in JC 2, when two of my classmates, Alex & Geralding invited me for a retreat with them in CJC that I finally "come to the light". I still recall Geralding inviting me in JC 1 but was turned down by me. I still do not know why, what or how did I agree to this ridiculous offer to attend the retreat in Yr 2. I recall thinking to myself "What can a retreat do to you?" But that fateful retreat showed me all the difference.

It was there, that someone played the audio version of the Passion of Christ. That nailing, panting, suffering, wailing drowned me as I find myself overwhelmed by God's love. Who could this man be, who could be so madly in love with me? And the inevitable & consequential question arise : and Who am I? How can I deserve this love?

The reading today reminded me that this light of God is not here to burn/scorge me. For Christ came to save, not to condemn. What I first experienced in my conversion was not one of guilt, but of unconditional love. This light of Christ comes to awaken me - to my senses; to a love I have previously know only with my head but not my heart. And it is only in this light and understanding, did I realise how far I haved sinned. For to sin is to miss the mark. Indeed, I have gone way off tangent on the course in my life. Thanks to my wonderful friends who have been the light for me, It is now my turn to be the light for others.

But what kind of light will I be? One to condemn (burn) or to save (awaken)? I pray that my conversion will serve to remind & humble me that I was once in darkness. It is in that darkness that I appreciated the light.


It only takes a spark to get a fire going,
And soon all those around can warm up in its glowing;
That's how it is with God's Love,
Once you've experienced it,
Your spread the love to everyone
You want to pass it on.

~ Lyrics from the song, "Pass It On"

Cleansing in the Temple (Jn 2: 13- 25)

Anger may not always be a necessary evil. Well, at least this is something new which I learned from Fr. Michael McGuire, a trained psycho-therapist. Anger represents hope. A hope to change things, a hope for the better. My good friend, Friar Derrick reminded me in a session recently, that we often feel angry because of a sense of justice. Something that rightfully belongs to us/someone is suddenly taken away. And we demand/hope that this is corrected.

We see this taking place in today's (Mar 15) Gospel - the Cleansing in the Temple. I often wonder if Jesus was angry with 1) the idea of the selling, 2) the exhorbitant prices that were unreasonably set &/or 3) the exploitation of the poor (since they do not seem to have a choice - they need to buy something to be used as an offering). In some ways, all these seem to point towards a fundamental abuse of trust & exploitation. And to make matters worse, of all places - the Christian family, the dwelling place of God. Today, I wonder if the very same church is still acting like a market place? Am I also guilty, among those counted in the mercenary traders?

Looking back at my journey in ministry, there were definitely times when 1) the ideas/projects that I "sold" were more self-serving than following the Spirit's directive, 2) I set/expect high standards for one to qualify as member of the ministry (e.g. 90% attendance in the year, including exam period), 3) members were given the ultimatium to adhere to our ministry rules or leave the ministry (members should not "use" ministry only for their emotional support). Often I can & do forget the reason why people join ministry in the first place! They come for worship - a heart-to-heart prayer with God. Coming to Him with all their being, and without pretense. That is who they are and that is what they can offer - all that they have : 2 copper coins. One would expect the church to welcome them with open arms, but I can be that mercenary trader outside, turning a prodigal child away.

So today, instead of channeling my anger towards others, I also need to take a look at myself. Maybe, I need to be angry with myself first. I need to turn this energy to a constructive desire for a positive change. That change that may restore me to my original, rightful state - made in the image & likenes of God. Only then, can I truly live out to be a channel of hope for others.

"Then David's anger was greatly kindled against the man; and he said to Nathan, "As the LORD lives, the man who has done this deserves to die; and he shall restore the lamb fourfold, because he did this thing, and because he had no pity."

Nathan said to David, "You are the man. Thus says the LORD, the God of Israel, 'I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you out of the hand of Saul; and I gave you your master's house, and your master's wives into your bosom, and gave you the house of Israel and of Judah; and if this were too little, I would add to you as much more. Why have you despised the word of the LORD, to do what is evil in his sight?"

- 2 Sam 12 : 5 - 9

The Paralytic Man & His Friends (Mk 2: 1 - 12)

For those who have friends/relatives who are smokers or are smokers themselves, you will know how hard it is to break the habit. I have tried relentlessly and have given up hope in trying to persuade someone to give up smoking.

So, you can almost imagine my eyes popping out when I first learnt about 2 persons who have successfully given up smoking. It was during my business trip to India that I heard about how 2 friends encourage each other to give up smoking. Incredible? Yes! I would even go on to say that it was almost a miracle in itself. Friend A, a smoker himself wanted to encourage Friend B to give up smoking. In order to do so, he set the example and gave up smoking. Friend B, upon seeing the great sacrifice made by his friend, also gave up smoking in the end. Here is a classic example on the power of friendship. It open up my eyes to see that perhaps a good form of encouragement is not a dressing down on “dos” & “don’ts”. It is one thing to share training tips to help a friend build up his stamina and it’s quite another thing to run the race together with your friend.

In today’s Gospel (Feb 22), we witness the miracle & power of another set of friendship. A paralytic is recovered because of the perseverance and astuteness of his friends. It is amazing on the length of trouble a friend would go through – just to restore the health of the paralytic.

Yet beyond that, we see another level of friendship unfolding. We witness a friend who would go beyond the physical to reach out to the deeper and often hidden level of spiritual health. And that was what Jesus was interested in. In fact, in so doing, Jesus is souring his relationship with the Pharisees. This will be the start of the many accusations that will be brought against Jesus identity – the ability to forgive sins.

Yet in our world today, how many spiritual friends will we be able to find? Do we have a community who sincerely cares deep enough for our often neglected spiritual health? Someone who will risk souring relationships to tell us what we need to do to restore our spiritual well-being? It is often weird for most Catholics to share/talk about religion with another person, especially someone close. But if we sincerely care for someone’s spiritual health, we need to pray for the strength & perseverance like what Jesus and the paralytic’s friends did. As true friends, let us care beyond the surface.

Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.
~ John 15:13

Curing of Leper (Mk 1: 40 - 45)

In our present age, with the advancement of medical science, it is not common to encounter a leper (depending on which part of the world you are in) on the streets. Yet, I wonder what will my reaction be, should I meet one. Will I cringe at what I see or will I run for the fear for my life?

What I saw in Jesus during the Gospel Reading (Feb 15) is more than another healing miracle. It helps me better understand the nature and personhood of our Lord Jesus. Today’s healing was more than breaking the rules to “work” (heal) on the Sabbath or the touching of an unclean man. It is about overcoming our basic instinctual needs for survival. Even before He displayed His great love for us in dying on the cross, we can already catch the sneak preview of this crazy lover – a God who loves us (His creation) more than his own life.

Just a few years back, I found myself playing the role of the leper. It was during the SARS period, whereby the slightest tinge of cough or running nose will get people around you paranoid. I was down with a dry cough one day while attending a bible class. It must have been the cold air that got me coughing a while. Suddenly a lady who was sitting next to me just turn and said that perhaps if I’m not feeling well, I shouldn’t be there. I can understand where she is coming from and I do think that there is some truth in what she said. But what made it slightly difficult to accept was that it came from a fellow sister in the community – and to be more specific, a Christian community. What I would really have long to hear was at least a concern (if I was ok), instead of being condemn as a burden to the community.

So, although we will never encounter a physical “leper” today, but there are still many “lepers” around us. They come in the guise of people who long for our acceptance and care. In today’s context, perhaps lepers no longer come in the form of patients but they can still appear as “outcasts” – those who may be socially inept, slow or loud. A few times at work, I’ve also caught myself behaving like one who condemns. Sometimes, my overtly concern for efficiency can overtake my concern for a fellow colleague’s well-being. This reflection serves as a reminder for me on what it feels like to be treated like a leper. I pray for the strength to love like Jesus did – a love beyond my own self. Perhaps it is only then, can I really reach out beyond myself to bring healing, & integration to others.

Today, I like to pay tribute to Blessed Damien. (See biography A or B ) He will be canonized this year by Pope Benedict. A saint who reminded us of the presence of God in the world (1840 – 1889). A saint who loved to the point of being one with his charge. A saint who understood that people are succumbing not to leprosy but abandonment and condemnation.

“I make myself a leper with the lepers to gain all to Jesus Christ.”
~ Blessed Damien of Molokai

Loneliness & Longing

Beware of young people who will walk up to you for a chat. They will pretend to practice their English with you and ask you out for a drink. The bill will then come up to an exorbitant amount, of which they will feign surprise. Yes...this is what the guidebook for Shanghai warned me. True enough, I had a few encounters of these in Shanghai during my recent business trip. They range from pimps, callgals to innocent youths, who attempted to chat, or rather con me.

What gave me away (my identity as a tourist) would probably be the occasional map reference & photo-taking. Whipping out my map and camera will definitely draw unwanted attention from con artistes. When alerted, their role is to confuse/con us. My recent experience reminded me that these "harassment" happened when they knew that I was alone. Perhaps this is the time when one is often forced to confront the harsh needs/emptiness within, and to search for that solution. Some people call these desires, "longing". They can be understood after a lifetime of reflection as something deeper within, which St. Augustine was most commonly quoted "our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee". Or, they can be mistaken "myopically" for the most convenient substitutes. It is not surprising that during these moments of struggles within, these "forbidden fruits" will suddenly present themselves attractively before you. They can come in many forms such as Internet Gaming, Clubbing, Drugs, Phone/Internet Chats/Surfing, TV/Movie Watching, Shopping and the list goes on. Loneliness and longing are neither good nor bad. But how do we confront them? Where do they leave us? Do we use them as excuses to find quick substitutes to numb the pain or do we see them as opportunities for private time in our personal introspection & development?

When these incessant harassments kept coming in a row, I really wished I was in the company of friends in Shanghai. The need to "lay low" and being on the constant look-out for these "predators" are simply nerve wrecking. Maybe the same can be said of my Christian journey - the importance of journeying together in a community. There's a need for us to rely on each other as companions, as "look-outs". During my journey to the various destination spots in Shanghai, my map & camera remain the most important tools. The map allowed me to orientate myself, keeping me in check. My camera allowed me to seize the moment in time, for future introspection & contemplation. Though these are the same tools that attracted the unwanted harassment but they are crucial in my journey. It would be silly of me to give up the fruits/joys to enjoy the scenic spots because of these slight distractions. I just need to remain firm & overcome them when they come along.

In my Christian living, I have come to terms that I can never eradicate loneliness and temptations along the journey. They present as opportunities to be in touch with a deeper longing within or short term desire for quick-fix solutions. The strive to my heavenly home will need my bible (map) and prayer (camera). But using these 2 tools often warrant the initial struggle to fight off distractions (be it internal or external). Many give up for fear of attracting/fighting off the distractions. But they remain essential if I were to get to my destination. Looking back at my journey thus far, I definitely couldn't have made it, had it not been for the company of friends who aided me to fight off the many "predators" and who provided a lamp unto my feet. So, let's not forget all these tools and experiences on our lives' journey.

Loneliness and longing take us beyond ourselves.
Thomas Aquinas once taught that we can attain something in one of two ways: through possession or through desire.
To quote Karl Rahner, only in the torment of the insufficiency of everything attainable do we know that we are more than the limits of our bodies, our present relationships, our jobs, our achievements and the concrete situations within which we live, work and die.

Loneliness and longing let us touch, through desire, God's ultimate design for us. In our longing, the mystics tell us, we intuit the kingdom of God. What that means is that in our desires we sense the deeper blueprint for things. And what is that?

Scripture tells us that the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, of simple bodily pleasure, but a coming together in justice, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. Ultimately, that is what we ache for in our loneliness and longing: consummation, oneness, intimacy, completeness, harmony, peace and justice.

~ Fr. Ronald Rolheiser

WYD Special - WYD Reflection

COMM-UNITY

On the first day of our WYD, I was totally unprepared for the massive crowd that appeared before my eyes. While we were on our way to Bangagaroo for our opening mass, I could see numerous church groups that came together from all over the world. Each group of pilgrims was holding on proudly to their country's flag. It was so exciting & awesome! People move in herds, singing hymns, & shouting cheers. It showed me another face of the Catholic Church which I've not seen before - a church so full of joy & hope. A church that despite its diversity, could still come together to celebrate our commonality - the one universal, catholic & apostalic church. It almost seemed as if the church had just experienced a great Pentecost. So, who says that the Catholic Church is a sleeping giant?

Like many others, our S'pore group (51 of us) from the church of St. Ignatius was also excited & proud to be there. And during the journey to Bagangaroo, I learnt a few tricks on how to avoid losing one another :

1) travel in the same pace. That means sometimes, having to slow down/hasten our pace or even waiting for one another.
2) the need for accountability - that means keeping each other in the loop of your whereabouts (even if it means a few minutes of toilet visit) + your contactability.
3) Hold on to one another. At some point, we literally had to hold on to each other's hands/bags to avoid losing one another in the scuffle & jostle.
4) the need for a marker - in our case, it is none other than the flag bearer. We need to keep our eyes fixed on the flag so as not to lose our way. But even if we do, we can always come back with the help on the flag that is raised high above the crowds.

I guess, the same could be said of my faith journey in a community. I recalled leaving church at the age of 15 - 17 as a result of not following the above pointers. I'm grateful to be where I am in my faith today, as a result of my community (Doulos Adonai) that has nutured my faith. So,

1) thank you for slowing down when I tried to seek God with all my heart for the first time in my life. You have so generously shared & witnessed your faith to me. You have taught me what P&W is, the Word of God & the various church teaching.
2) thank you for being my prayer buddy, encouraging me in my faith walk and keeping me in check on my spiritual health.
3) for the times when I was down and wanted to leave the group, you have continued to support me through your friendship, prayers and love. I couldn't break free because you have held on so tightly to me.
4) thank you for being my role model in your own individual way. I couldn't have been more inspired to be a leader (in my own way) had you not led in your own examples.

Although waiting for each other seems to be a waste of time, but the need to travel TOGETHER cannot be overemphasized. I learn that the need for unity is sometimes more important than efficiency, that the process of traveling is more fulfilling than the destination. And that, to my understanding, is the life of a comm-unity.

"Only when we see ourselves in our true human context, as members of a race which is intended to be one organism and "one body," will we begin to understand the positive importance not only of the successes but of the failures and accidents in our lives. My successes are not my own. The way to them was prepared by others. The fruit of my labours is not my own : for I am preparing the way for the achievements of another. Nor are my failures my own. They may spring from the failure of another, but they are also compensated for by another's achievement. Therefore, the meaning of my life is not to be looked for merely the sum total of my achievements. It is seen only in the complete integration of my achievements and failures with the achievements and failures of my own generation, and society, and time. It is seen, above all, in my integration in the mystery of Christ.

~ Thomas Merton, No Man Is An Island

WYD Special - Pre WYD (D-7) Reflection

WHAT IS A PILGRIMAGE?

I kept asking myself, as part of my preparation for World Youth Day in Sydney. So far, I've only attended 1 pilgrimage to Israel last yr. As I reflected back on my experience last yr, 1 particular incident striked me deeply.

On the 3rd day of our pilgrimage in Israel last Mar, our spiritual director noticed how our group was mixing in their cliques. Majority of the pilgrims were from the parish of IHM, with a few couples from other parish/country. Naturally, a few of them felt left out, esp. during meal times. Our SD shared this with us : Every time he comes to visit the place of Bethlehem, he recalls the birth of our Lord Jesus. When it was time for Mary to give birth, many inn-keepers rejected her & Joseph. They simply have no rooms left. Our Lord & Saviour came to dwell among us, only to be rejected. As a pilgrim group, we come now, united as a body of Christ. We are no longer divided by race, nationality or parish. We should learn to open our hearts to welcome others as how we would like to embrace Jesus during this pilgrimage. This strikes many of us as we heard him share the story.

So, what is a pilgrimage? Is it about a destination? Is traveling to Sydney considered a pilgrimage? As I search deeper, I come to this understanding : it is about a spiritual journey - an inward journey to the "inn of my heart". Ultimately, I need to make space to receive Jesus. And to do so, I need to recognise the vehicles that carry him. 2000yrs ago, he came via Mary & Joseph. Today, He comes in the presence of the fellow pilgrims that I will journey in Sydney. To prepare for my trip, I realized that there are many things I need to pack. Many things to squeeze into my bags. But as I packed the many thick piles of clothes into my backpack, I cannot help but to be mindful to keep some space within them. A space for the most essential things that I must bring along for this pilgrimage : love, embrace, and our Lord Jesus.

"My prayer for this pilgrimage is to be a more caring & loving friend & group leader. That the people around me will be my way of encountering Christ. They will be my catechesis. Should I fail in any way to be Christ-like, may they be Christ to me in their gracious mercy & love. May I find strength in their love. Amen."

The Pulley Principle

“You do know how the train function, right?” my colleague who doubled up as my Penang tour guide, asked me.

“Don’t they all work the same way?” I replied her with the usual dumbfounded look.

"How unusual can one of the oldest train in Penang be?" i thought to myself.

I learned that this was the primary mode of transport that ferried the British people (during the early settlement) up the Penang Hill (which is about 833m above ground) in the 19th century. It was much more cooling staying up in the Hill.

“Well, it works on the same principle as the pulley. When one train comes down, it actually “pulls up” the other train in the opposite tracks. That’s how they work”, my friend explained.

“Amazing…” I thought to myself. Leveraging on the strength of the other! For once, an “opposing force” is to be appreciated and not reckoned.

As I took the train down Penang Hill, memories of my days in church ministry came flooding back. Back then, being in a role that is accountable for the survival & purposefulness of the ministry, it is my upmost concern to ensure that members give their best to God – i.e. they need to give their 100% (or rather. 101%) commitment to the ministry. I spent little time trying to understand those who could not. I would often write them off as uncommitted (or not quite ready to serve yet) or confused (i.e. this was not the ministry for them). And then when attendance dips, which resulted in the stretch in manpower (esp. in service projects), I begin to wonder what went wrong. Were the members too young/immature for responsibility?

But it began to get clearer now as I sat in the train, while watching another train come up. For people to be able to realise their potential, they need support & encouragement. Someone has got to “come down” so that they can “go up”. What is needed is the journey down to understand the other party – to be compassionate – to lend support. When that happens, we need not worry about what instructions or advice to give. By the same principle of the pulley, in so coming down, we would have already helped the other party to begin their ascent upwards (be it consciously or sub-consciously). What was lacking in me, was the journey down – to be with that person. Often times, the Lord remain with His people, despite their hurts & brokenness. HE allowed them the time & space to be where they are. Even if they come or remain with their anger, unforgiveness, sinfulness, they were all welcomed & understood. But once they soak up His love for them, that is when they start to change and to draw towards Him.

Perhaps this is the wisdom of the Incarnation hidden from our ever high & lofty eyes. God knew that for us to ascend to Him, He needs to first come down & reach out to us. So, the next time that i expect someone to be as committed or loving as myself, i need to suspend that pre-judgmental thought in my mind & apply the “The Pulley Principle”. Looking back at the amount of time spent in serving the church, I also knew that all this could not have been possible had it not been for the quiet but essential support from my family & friends. Had my mother not helped me in my weekly laundry etc, I’m most certain that part of my time would be spent on houshold chores. i would not be able to give as much as I could. They have indeed come down to my aid, so that i may rise beyond myself to reach out to the those around me.

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them."

~ Thomas Merton

My Blessing Cup

2 of the most popular questions which you cannot avoid during this festive season are :
1) How was your Christmas/New Year?
2) So, how did you spend your Christmas/New Year?

And the taboo is to mention that you spend it at home. This answer will surely evoke a frown on the other party's face, esp. if you are single without kids.

But to be honest, this is the first time that i'm spending both my Christmas & New Year at home since my early childhood/teens. I think age must be catching up cos i didn't feel like a loser. In fact, i totally enjoy this precious time by myself, for myself! For me, the last memorable New Year that i spent was about 2 years back when we did a P&W (led by Angel & Matt) at one of my friend's (Mervin Prakash) place. We paused & reflected on what we wanted to thank God for & then continue the countdown with a P&W.

I think I have been so used to rushing through the year that I often forget to pause & reflect about what has happened. Where was God in my life? Before I bid farewell to 2007, I wanted to recall 10 things which I wanted to thank the Lord. um... but this is quite a struggle (this is an obvious indication of my unreflected life). So, let me try :

1) Serangoon Youth District Rally in Feb (for meeting all the wonderful & capable youths in the serangoon district who have put together this wonderful & evangelical rally. It was a miracle to see all our youths united in the serangoon district)
2) The birth of my nephew, Brandon in Mar - the latest addition in the family (who has brought along so much joy!)
3) Opportunity to make a pilgrimage to Israel in Mar (I was able to journey with wonderful people from the Church of IHM in the footsteps of Christ)
4) Finding a nice occupant to rent out my old house (although it was slightly below market rate) Thank God for the arrangement. Everything just happened so quickly. We found a tenant within 1 month & had to move out all our things within the same timing!
5) The grace to meet my spiritual director - Fr. Vince Hurley for a 30 week Ignatian retreat to build up my prayer life
6) The opportunity to relinquish my role as Adult Advisor in Zion's Joy group. Since then, I think it was a humbling period for me to steer away from session (and becoming proud) and to build up on my spiritual life instead
7) The friendship of my great friend, the late Colin Kang. Thank you for teaching me on what living life to the fullest meant & for making a difference even in your workplace, family & church
8) All the nice colleagues at work, which make the work place a bearable place to be in and one that permits work-life balance
9) The grace to be able to attend many wonderful sessions organized by SPI & ACCS (3 GOD sessions, Kingdom of God, Leviticus/Bk of Numbers, Retreat by SACCRE)
10) The many people in IHM YM, esp those in ZJ, whom I have worked with. You people are SAINTS! I wonder how you were able to be so patient with me despite my many faults.

Lord, thank you for the abundant blessing that you have showered upon me in 2007 (they are more than I could ever know or remember). Not all experiences have resulted in joy, but each one allows me to see you working more clearly in my life. With this, I am confident that I can entrust my 2008 to you. Allow me, Lord, to be excited about what you will do in my life (for me). Give me the grace to be faithful & to co-operate with you.

So, goodbye 2007 & Welcome 2008!