Being or Doing?

Well, there's this saying that goes, we should always "walk the talk". And it's finally catchin up with me! Like Peter, I am finally put to the test - if I would indeed live out what I preached. It started with the question if I was prepared to face death and there I was - living out that very same question, 1 month later during my op.

In trying to make sense of my operation experience, I found myself answering the same questions again "why am I here?", "what's the purpose of this (extended) life?" (read previous blog entry) Days later, I find myself to be the listening ear for 2 friends. One was deciding whether to accept a new job and the other was facing family/personal issue that affected his ministry work. Strangely, I felt that they have given more meaning to my life than I have ever done for them. I often thought that I have come to terms that "my being" is more important than "my doing". i.e. being a child of God, the Father (who have immensely loved me), is of upmost value than having to do anything to merit His love. But it is in the face of death/life, that everything seems to crumble to reveal the real truth within - a very insecure child. Or perhaps, the work culture in this world has accustom me to, try in every possible way, to "value-add" to this world (yes, incl. of Christian mission). And I suspect that this "contribution to bottom line" will plague most people till the day they die. Knowing that one does make a difference to this world (in however small way that might be) is honestly consoling.

I believe only our heavenly Father really knows me inside-out. Seeing the little child that needs affirmation & encouragement, He has indeed surround me with people who allow me to reach out. In so doing, it has helped me to love, to appreciate myself and to reach out to God. Until the next time I face death, I still have some time to work out on my "being". To know that I can never do anything more/less to merit the love of God. This love has already been poured out unconditionally, since the beginning of eternity. And let's thank our loving Father for that. It is only in getting this foundation right, then can I proceed to "value-add" in the right attitude - serving generously & unconditionally. And it's ok if I can't do it all the time, since the P&L has already been determined - a bountiful surplus. This is certainly a company that we can be assured of lifetime employment with no retrenchment or dismissal.

"When a man falls in love, he seeks the sweet servitude of affection and devotion to another.
When a man falls in love with God, he immediately goes out in search of a neighbour."

~ Fulton Sheen, The World's First Love

Happy Birthday!

This has got to be one of my busiest birthday. The day was spent juggling between lunch with family and preparing myself for my new job the next day. Gosh...another year has slipped by without me realizing it! It was only during the close of the day, upon some quiet reflection could I then appreciate the significance of this day.

Considering my recent surgery (read previous blog entry), to be given another year (and more years to come hopefully) is indeed a blessing. This is something which I have always taken for granted. It has indeed been a frightening but awakening experience. The Devil would have liked us believe that we have eternity to prepare ourselves to meet our Creator but the fact is that we could never count on that.

During my recent sharing about the ordeal that I went through, my colleague reminded me if I had considered the blessings that I have received thus far, prior to entering the operation ward. This thought has never crossed my mind. She asked if I was grateful for the fact that :
1) this was only a minor surgery (could have been worse!)
2) I have accomplished something in life - be it contributions at work, in church etc
3) I have been loved by my family, friends (my parents were with me during my operation)

It is strange how the basic things in life, which we were supposed to give praise for, always ended up being taken for granted. They have become a "given" rather than a gift to appreciate. And this is dangerous when we extend the same attitude into prayer. The whole episode has indeed caught me off guard. I am not as strong/appreciative as I thought I was.

And this timely advice from my colleague seem to remind me of one thing - that my life counts for something. For once, my birthday has taken on a new meaning for me this year. It's no longer anticipating about the gifts or well wishes that will come my way. Rather, it's about what I can give of myself. Each year of life, is indeed a blessing and a gift. And it becomes a gift only when I use it - living it to the fullest. So, when my next birthday arrive, it will be a time of blessing (to be grateful for all that I have received & experienced), and accountability. How have/will I live the remaining 365 days?

I Asked God

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve,
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey;
I asked for health, that I might do greater things,
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things;
I asked for riches, that I might be happy,
I was given poverty, that I might be wise;
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of man,
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God;
I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life,
I was given life, that I might enjoy things;
I got nothing that I asked for - but everything I had hoped for,
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered,
I am among all men, most richly blessed.

~ Author unknown

Vulnerability

Upon reflecting on my recent op, I concluded that there is no easy segregation between a good or bad experience. Often times, it's what we make of it or learn from it. Similarly, a particular situation can draw out our strength and/or weakness. Looking at a rose stalk would have reminded us of the beauty of the flower and the pain of the thorns that stem from it. The op has indeed enlighten me about my own vulnerability - it is not always a strength &/or weakness.

In my case, vulnerability can put the reliance on self or "the other". Pride (in the guise of self-defense) & Vulnerability can grow hand in hand. Through sharing, I learned that there are actually many more like me, who have been through operations (and some sounded worse). If only, I had shared about my fears earlier, perhaps I would have received more relief & a better picture of what to expect. Need for privacy & risk of vulnerability has kept me imprison in my own anxiety. Or more accurately, it was pride which kept me at bay - my reliance on self to solve my own problem, the reluctance to trouble others, the fear of revealing my vulnerability.

For my physical body to restore to its original healthy state, it first require me to go through a certain phase of risk & vulnerability. It is during this time, where I learnt to accept my fraility and the kindness extended through the care givers around me. I sometimes wonder, if nature has been designed to bring us into (as babes) and out of the world (as wise sages, hopefully) with complete reliance on those around us. Perhaps too often, age/efficiency/independence has made us believe that we become burden to others when we rely on them. Mother Teresa, once shared that, if we only knew the good that these poor & marginalized are doing for our souls, when we reach out to help them, we should instead be the ones thanking them. And maybe, the same can be said of my emotional & spiritual health. The paradox of sharing is that though it makes us vulnerable, but it's one sure route to recovery. Unless we share, no one will ever know that we needed help. It is time we recognise & accept that we can never be 100% strong all the time.

Vulnerability can also draw one to close in or to open up to others. In a way, the recent op has develop a sense of compassion within me. Having gone through the op, it makes it easier to reach out to another person in sickness. There is a longing within to tell them that it's ok. I've been there, I know what it's like and I will go through it with you. Suddenly, my eyes are open to a whole new world of experience, where as in the past, I could only watch as a spectator.

But if not careful, vulnerability can also put me under the focus lens. Everything starts to zoom in on me. It was all about me, my feelings, & trying to gain sympathy and attention. My dad tried to offer some comfort by saying that "it's gonna be ok", shortly before my op. But my curt reply to him was, "why don't you lie down on the operating bed and try saying that"? That was an instinctive response as I was too caught up with myfeelings that day (confusion, anxiety, etc). But a colleague help me see things from another perspective - through the lens of "the other". Sometimes, our loved ones do not know the right words to comfort us. They also share our fears. Their words are also meant to console themselves, just as they are for us. They try their best to bring relief to us - in the best that they know. As much as it might be the first jittering experience for me, I had forgotten that it was the same for my dad too : to watch me lying on the operating bed.

It's no wonder then that I couldn't recognise God through my vulnerability. He wasn't reduce to mere lines in the bible, tugged away somewhere. He was whispering to me, through the people around me. All this while, He was ever making Himself present, trying to get my attention. But I have failed to see or speak to Him, as I was simply too engrossed in myself.

"God never gives us something. He always gives us someone."

~ Bro. Michael Broughton