Fear & Anxiety

"There's a 5% chance that people who is under GA (General Anasthesia) will suffer a heart attack or stroke, but that's only a slim chance", the anasthetic doctor told me as part of my pre-op preparation. I was later briefed about my operation procedure when I'm under GA. What sounded like a simple op, didn't sound too assuring thereafter. That was 1 week ago.

Tonight, fear pounded me like never before as I prepare myself mentally for my op the next day. I was scheduled for a "right-hemithyroid" day surgery. Somehow, although I was assured by people around me that everything will turn out well, but that didn't bring relief. Even the meal that I take, seemed like a "last supper" for me. I wonder when I will be able to eat as freely as I wanted again. Is that what a prisoner, who is about to be hung, undergo the night before? For once, I could relate to both the Last Supper & the Garden of Gesethmane passages. It must have been a difficult, anguishing moment for our Lord. I'm sure, He carried within him a heavy heart. Perhaps one that allows Him to relate and comfort us "Come unto me, all you who are heavily burdened and I will give you rest" ~ Mt 11:28

A priest once shared that the worst form of spiritual warfare may not necessary be one with the Devil. Rather, our deepest fears & anxieties could be the worst form of enemy. It cripples us of our ability to trust & hope - our source of strength & joy. This is why we pray during mass "...deliver us Lord from ALL our anxieties, as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our Lord Jesus..." As I long for someone to share his/her experience with me or words of comfort, I'm sure that is what the Lord was longing for, when He brought along His 3 disciples that night. Silence seems deafening tonight. I could relate to the weakness that our Lord went through. The kind of solace one needs when you hit rock bottom. One that made us cry from within our deepest confusion : "My Lord, my Lord, why have you forsaken me?" Everything that I touch/see seem to be the last time for me. Yes, I sound like an over-exagerrated drama king but that is what I went through within me. Words will never be adequate even right now. At least, for me, I know that I will return alive but for the Lord... Imagine for a moment, that you will be giving up your life the next day! Unless you have undergone such a life-threatening experience, it is worth our while not to gloss over these 2 final passages of love from the Lord. Tonight, these passages became alive & personal for me.

As I reflected on these passages, a fleeting thought crossed my mind. Perhaps I should pray over myself (for healing)! Afterall, that day's gospel reading is on the curing of Simon Peter's mother-in-law in Mk 1:30. Maybe, the passage meant something. But somehow, I was quick to check on myself. The act would be good but the intent didn't sit well with me. What I was after was an easy way out of my situation - instant healing, without taking up my cross. But that isn't what the Lord did. Rather, He chose to spend His time in prayer during His last night on earth. To seek solace & to find comfort in Him who is The Rock, The Fortress, My Refuge. I know the night is going to be long, the future uncertain. How I wish tomorrow never come. But despite these negative thoughts, I could only believe that He has a plan. That this experience will help me somehow in life and maybe in reaching out to others. For now, I could only pray the words that the Lord has taught me "Abba! Father! All things are possible for you. Take this cup away from me. Yet not what I want but what you want."

"Let nothing disturb thee, Let nothing affright thee,
All things are passing, God changeth never.
Life is to life in such a way that we are not afraid to die."

~ St Teresa of Avila