Trial

"If you were to die today, will you be ready to meet the Lord?" - this was a question which plagued me during my World Youth Day. (read previous blog entry) I finally know my answer to that question.

I waited the whole morning at the hospital for my operation. The fear of the unknown, of not knowing what to expect, sent shivers down my spine. As far as I could recall, nothing came close to the anxiety that I went through that morning. My heart pounded and I tried to recall a comforting verse from the databank of my mind, but none surfaced.

The moment finally arrived as I was wheeled into the operating theatre at about 1.50pm on Sep 3. Probably because of the fear that was playing on me, many thoughts dashed through my mind. (But nope, i did not see that tunnel of light or anything like that!) Somehow, i realised that there was nothing that I could anchor my hope in. i.e. something is missing in my life. For once, I was hoping to cling onto something or someone for strength. But I found no such life line. Today, it is only a simple day surgery. But imagine if something worse is to happen. I really do not know where to find the willpower to fight the battle. I felt strange that this realisation should hit home hard on me. I wonder if this experience is highlighting a void within my life.

The surgery went well but the thought continue to linger within me as I reflect on my ordeal. Perhaps all this while, I've been going through life, running on an auto-pilot, habitual routine. I haven't reflected deeper into my life. Thus, it took a surgery (a life-threatening encounter) to bring this to light. On a cursory examination, I wondered if it could be attributed to :

a) my lack of a love/family life? ('cause from most drama shows that I watched, they often give the patient, played by the leading actor/actress, courage & strength to fight life's battle with sickness)
b) the fact that I'm still young & not ready to die? (but then again, who is ever ready to die? So, a more appropriate questioning might rather be : what haven't I achieve/accomplish in life that left me with regrets?)
c) the idea that I thought I was loved by God but maybe this hasn't quite been fully/completely experienced within me? Is that why I don't feel the least comforted at all?
d) my faith that was built on my accomplishment and actions but no/little reliance on God? Maybe my faith has been centered round my doing (my own reasoning, chosing what I want to believe) but becomes weak when I realise that I could no longer depend on myself but on Him whom I have to rely solely for my deliverance. The gap surfaced when I have to surrender myself (& my control) to Him who will take over the unknown hitherto.

Obviously, the whole encounter has shaken me up a little. But still, I need to do more soul-searching and I know this is going to take some time. Where is God in this? What & where is He leading me? Nontheless, even with all my questions unanswered, I'm still grateful for this whole experience. Because it brought me an inch further to preparing myself for my death. Hopefully, the next time that I encounter such a similar experience, I will be better equipped.

In the meantime, I'm confident that these questions stem from a healthy relationship of wanting to know myself & God better. It is only through this questioning can I bring our relationship further to a higher plane. So Lord, guide me to live the words of St. Paul, your martyr, who proclaim so convincingly,

"For I am certain of this : neither death nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nothing already in existence and nothing still to come, nor any power, nor the heights nor the depths, nor any created thing whatever, will be able to come between us and the love of God, known to us in Christ Jesus our Lord."

~ Romans 8:38 - 39