Examen

M&M (Mercy & Mission)

2010-10-25T17:13:00.007+08:00

Every now and then, IF we pay CLOSE attention, we will realise how we have been embraced by the gracious and salient visit of God. At least this was what happened to me recently - a surprise reminder from a friend, and a badly needed silence from a retreat. Both experiences allowed me to identify with Sun's reading (Lk 18: 9 - 14) which falls on Mission Sunday in the Catholic Church.

Few months back, I got a surprise message from my friend, Grace, who asked me why I haven't been updating my blog? Usual excuses were given : been busy upgrading from free-lance to full time ministry, haven't got time to blog. But the real problem is this : the failure to go deeper in prayer and be aware of the ever presence (present) of our Lord, Himself. And hence, this blog like my soul, remain choked and overgrown with the thorns/bristles and cares of the world.

But the reminder did NOT stop. Over this weekend, I went for a retreat and was reminded on the precious gift of gratitude. During part of the retreat, I needed to step out to give a session on the New Testament to a particular ministry. Just the week before, this ministry had a talk on the Old Testament by Verbum Dei, a religious order whose mission was to proclaim the Word of God. All the members of that religious order has a bachelor in Sacred Theology and was more than qualified to give the talk. But me - who am I to proclaim His word, what insight can I offer? An overwhelming sense of unworthiness swept over me - why did I even say yes to this session? why did the Lord chose me, of all people? I prayed only to be reminded from the passage of 1 Cor 1:26 - 29

"Consider, brothers, how you were called; not many of you are wise by human standards, not many influential, not many from noble families. No, God chose those who by human standards are fools to shame the wise; he chose those who by human standards are weak to shame the strong, those who by human standards are common and contemptible -- indeed those who count for nothing -- to reduce to nothing all those that do count for something, so that no human being might feel boastful before God."

I can only identified with the tax collector in Sun's reading - "have mercy on me, Lord, a sinner" As I reflected on my experience in the retreat, it slowly melt away to a new sense of awe and humility at the graciousness of our Lord. The session was meant not for the ministry, but for me! It is not the qualified who is chosen but the chosen who is qualified by the Lord. No words can explain the "why me?"s, no efforts could "earn" this qualification. I can only accept this gracious gift of being forgiven and chosen by the Lord, like the tax collector.

And the acceptance of this gift has filled me with insurmontable gratitude, to which the only response can only be that of mission. Like the Psalmist who cannot remain silent, I can only share and proclaim the generosity and unconditional love of our Lord. I am thus grateful to be able to write again in this blog. To all those who have given me insight, reminders and support to this experience, I can only say : "Mer-ci" (thank you in french).

A precious story pictures a mother pleading with Napoleon to spare her condemned son's life. The emperor said the crime was dreadful; justice demanded his life. "Sir," sobbed the mother, "Not justice, but mercy." "He does not deserve mercy," was the answer. "But, sir, if he deserved it, it would not be mercy," said the mother. "Ah yes, how true," said Napoleon. "I will have mercy."

Palm Sunday (Mk 14:1 - 15:47)

2009-04-06T00:16:00.012+08:00

St. Paul says in Romans 7,
I do not understand my own behaviour; the good thing I want to do, I never do; the evil thing which I do not want -- that is what I do. So I find this rule: that for me, where I want to do nothing but good, evil is close at my side. In my inmost self I dearly love God's law, but I see that acting on my body there is a different law which battles against the law in my mind. So I am brought to be a prisoner of that law of sin which lives inside my body.

And I find this statement coming alive so very often in my life! Just the other day, I find myself rushing to catch a train for work. I was behind a guy who was tapping his eZy link card slowly.I let out a sign of impatience only to be greeted by him with "What's your problem?" Since I was in a rush, I didn't want to waste further time arguing with him. I hurried along to catch my train. Soon, I find myself in the train, fighting my dilemma if I shld take out my Christian book for a read. Somehow my action earlier did not quite match my identity as a Christian. I should have been more patient. If someone has witnessed what had happened earlier, what must they have thought of me, and of Christians?

There are many angles to look at today's Gospel (Apr 12). I choose to look at it from the perspective of choices. As I journey through life, it becomes clearer to me that I'm not 100% good or bad all the time. Most likely, I'm a mixture. Within me is a confused bystander who cheered Jesus on his triumphant entry and one who vehemently wants to crucify Him. I behave like Peter who swears to stay with Jesus no matter what happens and yet deny Him at the earliest opportunity to save my skin. How and when can I ever be steadfast to the Lord in my Christian journey?

Looking at the Holy Week event in the light of the Resurrection, reminds me that it was through many bitter denials that the apostles learnt to be steadfast to the Lord. This led to the ultimate sacrificial of their lives than the denial of their faith. There must have been many small "deaths" along the way to lead to this final martyrdom. Making a living in today's corporate world is a sure journey towards Jerusalem (figuratively). Today's Gospel invites me to decide on the choices I make. The consolation that I take with me is that I can start my training with the "small deaths" I make each day (e.g. being more patient with a nasty colleague etc) and even should I fall, I only need to pick myself up. I'm not 100% good or bad all the time. But with practice, I hope to inch towards the goal of 100% for Christ.

I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me; and the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. ~ Gal 2:20

Grain that dies (Jn 12: 20 - 33)

2009-04-01T09:12:00.007+08:00

I do not know when & how it all started or evolved. But it often began with my name follow by "where I am studying, (field of study)" to "where I am working (my designation)". At least this was how I grew up introducing myself since my schooldays right up to the present day. How do you introduce yourself or your friend?

The late Father Basil Pennington in his book, "True Self/False Self" reminds us that our "false" self stems mainly from :
1) What I have
2) What I do
3) How others see me
Or rather, this is how we perceive or construct our identity to be. I found myself nodding my head in agreement when I read this.

Being an introvert, I grew up like all teens, desperately trying to find acceptance and belonging. In searching for this self-identity, I found myself conforming to social norms to dress fashionably - Buy the "latest trend". I recall buying my first $29 Hang Ten sweater at the age of 15. Who cares if the weather is 31ºC outside, the important issue here is "how others see me" based on "what I have". Of course, as one would have guessed, I outgrew the brands but not the false self. Soon, I was moving off to Levis, Guess, cK etc. Being in the marketing field, I should only know too well that brands portrays our self-concept, but never the reality. At the heart of it, I want to look good, to be someboday - preferably as hot as the models wearing the brands. But stripping these possessions away, I'm really no different from the person next door.

Today, as we inch nearer to Passion Week, I found myself asking this question : So, who am I (really)? The Gospel today (Mar 29), invites me to die to my false self - an identity founded on the 3 criteria listed above. The questions demands that I get in touch with my BE-ING, without the 3Ps - possessions, performances, and projections.

It amazes me when I reflected this :
If I were to be a bystander in Jesus's time, what would He have seen in me when He walked by? What did He see (in me) that still made Him carry on His journey down Jerusalem & finally to Calvary? There must be something within me that He's dying (excuse the pun) to show me..... Maybe I did not realise the famous brand that I'm wearing - the Jesus Brand.

"The unveiling of who we are can be hard for our contemporary culture to understand because there is the frequent assumption that we have the human right just to decide who we are. Identity is not to be discovered; it can be chosen. One chooses which identity one will have today. Identity is a lifestyle option and it is an infringement of my human rights for anyone not to accept that identity. But the smile of Jesus summons me to an identity that is not constructed but given. For my deepest being is indeed pure gift and in attaining it I discover joy.

~ What is the point of being a Christian? Fr. Timothy Radcliffe, OP

Light vs Darkness (Jn 3:14 - 21)

2009-03-23T13:53:00.005+08:00

It is strange how this Sun's gospel reading (Mar 22) reminded me of my own conversion story. Although I have shared it so often with people, but this is the first time I'm putting it down in writing. Have you ever find yourself sleeping in late in the morning, only to be awaken by the strong sunlight hitting at your eyes. The feeling is horrible, isn't it - adjusting to the light? But well, it only means = time to wake up!

Having completed my confirmation class in Sec 2, i thought a certain phase in my life is finally "over & done with!" Being the "introvert me" didn't quite help either, since I do not have a Christian community to belong. Naturally, it didn't take long before I de-generated to a Sunday Catholic and the final retired Catholic. Yes, i still remember the initial nagging feeling whenever I missed Sunday mass. But it didn't take long for me to become numb to this "other voice", until it is gradually heard no more. Not going for mass becomes a way of life. A more productive alternative could be used with this time - e,g, study. Of course, this is the clever me at work, coming up with creative excuses.

It was not until in JC 2, when two of my classmates, Alex & Geralding invited me for a retreat with them in CJC that I finally "come to the light". I still recall Geralding inviting me in JC 1 but was turned down by me. I still do not know why, what or how did I agree to this ridiculous offer to attend the retreat in Yr 2. I recall thinking to myself "What can a retreat do to you?" But that fateful retreat showed me all the difference.

It was there, that someone played the audio version of the Passion of Christ. That nailing, panting, suffering, wailing drowned me as I find myself overwhelmed by God's love. Who could this man be, who could be so madly in love with me? And the inevitable & consequential question arise : and Who am I? How can I deserve this love?

The reading today reminded me that this light of God is not here to burn/scorge me. For Christ came to save, not to condemn. What I first experienced in my conversion was not one of guilt, but of unconditional love. This light of Christ comes to awaken me - to my senses; to a love I have previously know only with my head but not my heart. And it is only in this light and understanding, did I realise how far I haved sinned. For to sin is to miss the mark. Indeed, I have gone way off tangent on the course in my life. Thanks to my wonderful friends who have been the light for me, It is now my turn to be the light for others.

But what kind of light will I be? One to condemn (burn) or to save (awaken)? I pray that my conversion will serve to remind & humble me that I was once in darkness. It is in that darkness that I appreciated the light.

It only takes a spark to get a fire going,
And soon all those around can warm up in its glowing;
That's how it is with God's Love,
Once you've experienced it,
Your spread the love to everyone
You want to pass it on.

~ Lyrics from the song, "Pass It On"

Cleansing in the Temple (Jn 2: 13- 25)

2009-03-19T15:14:00.007+08:00

Anger may not always be a necessary evil. Well, at least this is something new which I learned from Fr. Michael McGuire, a trained psycho-therapist. Anger represents hope. A hope to change things, a hope for the better. My good friend, Friar Derrick reminded me in a session recently, that we often feel angry because of a sense of justice. Something that rightfully belongs to us/someone is suddenly taken away. And we demand/hope that this is corrected.

We see this taking place in today's (Mar 15) Gospel - the Cleansing in the Temple. I often wonder if Jesus was angry with 1) the idea of the selling, 2) the exhorbitant prices that were unreasonably set &/or 3) the exploitation of the poor (since they do not seem to have a choice - they need to buy something to be used as an offering). In some ways, all these seem to point towards a fundamental abuse of trust & exploitation. And to make matters worse, of all places - the Christian family, the dwelling place of God. Today, I wonder if the very same church is still acting like a market place? Am I also guilty, among those counted in the mercenary traders?

Looking back at my journey in ministry, there were definitely times when 1) the ideas/projects that I "sold" were more self-serving than following the Spirit's directive, 2) I set/expect high standards for one to qualify as member of the ministry (e.g. 90% attendance in the year, including exam period), 3) members were given the ultimatium to adhere to our ministry rules or leave the ministry (members should not "use" ministry only for their emotional support). Often I can & do forget the reason why people join ministry in the first place! They come for worship - a heart-to-heart prayer with God. Coming to Him with all their being, and without pretense. That is who they are and that is what they can offer - all that they have : 2 copper coins. One would expect the church to welcome them with open arms, but I can be that mercenary trader outside, turning a prodigal child away.

So today, instead of channeling my anger towards others, I also need to take a look at myself. Maybe, I need to be angry with myself first. I need to turn this energy to a constructive desire for a positive change. That change that may restore me to my original, rightful state - made in the image & likenes of God. Only then, can I truly live out to be a channel of hope for others.

"Then David's anger was greatly kindled against the man; and he said to Nathan, "As the LORD lives, the man who has done this deserves to die; and he shall restore the lamb fourfold, because he did this thing, and because he had no pity."

Nathan said to David, "You are the man. Thus says the LORD, the God of Israel, 'I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you out of the hand of Saul; and I gave you your master's house, and your master's wives into your bosom, and gave you the house of Israel and of Judah; and if this were too little, I would add to you as much more. Why have you despised the word of the LORD, to do what is evil in his sight?"

- 2 Sam 12 : 5 - 9

The Transfiguration (Mk 9 : 2 - 10)

2009-03-17T11:42:00.009+08:00

One fine day, my 2 year old nephew looked to the altar & started saying "strawberry". We were puzzled by what he has just uttered. Where on earth would you find a strawberry at the altar?!! My sis-in-law and I stared blankly at each other. But on closer look, this picture (on your left) does show some resemblance of a strawberry from afar. Yes, it is none other than the sacred heart of Jesus!

This little funny incident indeed taught me a thing or two about contemplation. Contemplation invites us to look beyond the physical or what we know, and enter into the presence of the divine. As a child, many things appear to us as strawberries - our image of God, our understanding of Him, our prayer, the Mass etc. And here, I must admit that I'm still very much like a child when it comes to faith. Every time I think I know enough about God, I'm once again challenged with regards to our relationship & roles. It is not knowing about Him but knowing Him in that intimate & personal level which He constantly invites.

In some way, taking care of little children has opened my eyes about the need for child-like, simple faith. Silly as it may sound, but once a child learns a new thing, they relate everything in that context. In this instance, how could the Sacred Heart look like a strawberry? But imagine the potential of relating to the world, if I could but grasp the love & beauty of God in each person. What will the world become? How would I behave, if I am able to relate in this child-like simplicity? Will this world indeed become the reign of the kingdom that Jesus was here to preach about? For He says time and time again : the kingdom of God is at hand => so near & yet so far. All I need is to let go of all my "think I know everything" mature faith and to embrace the faith of a little child.

Today's Gospel (Mar 8) shows us a glimpse of the power of prayer & contemplation. The transfiguration is not an easy topic to apply in our daily living. I borrow the concept from Fr. Raniero Cantalamessa in his book, "The Mystery of the Transfiguration". In this book, he mention about the power of contemplation that transforms Jesus from within (rather than without). Contemplative prayer, reflection, allows us to search within ourselves so that we may come to know God as He sees us. What follows is a deep sense of feeling loved, secured which empowers us to look & react at the world in a different light.

"In Louisville, at the corner of Fourth and Walnut, in the center of the shopping district, I was suddenly overwhelmed with the realization that I loved all those people, that they were mine and I theirs, that we could not be alien to one another even though we were total strangers. It was like waking from a dream of separateness, of spurious self-isolation in a special world, the world of renunciation and supposed holiness...This sense of liberation from an illusory difference was such a relief and such a joy to me that I almost laughed out loud. And I suppose my happiness could have taken form in the words: “Thank God, thank God that I am like other men, that I am only a man among others.”...I have the immense joy of being man, a member of a race in which God Himself became incarnate. And if only everybody could realize this! But it cannot be explained. There is no way of telling people that they are all walking around shining like the sun...Then it was as if I suddenly saw the secret beauty of their hearts, the depths of their hearts where neither sin nor desire nor self-knowledge can reach, the core of their reality, the person that each one is in God’s eyes. If only they could all see themselves as they really are. If only we could see each other that way all the time. There would be no more war, no more hatred, no more cruelty, no more greed…I suppose the big problem would be that we would fall down and worship each other. But this cannot be seen, only believed and “understood” by a peculiar gift."

~ Thomas Merton, Conjectures of A Guilty Bystander

The Temptation of Christ (Mk 1: 12 - 15)

2009-03-15T01:28:00.006+08:00

When I talk to people about temptation, we inevitably always come to the topic about how many times we have fallen or how difficult the struggle is, during that moment of dilemma. Beaten at our weaknesses and finding creative excuses for our folly seem to be the subsequent focus. But what I would like to share today is also about the times (even if it might be rare) when we were victorious. The occasions where we chose to ignore the calls of our flesh & follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit.

One of the temptations that I could recall happened when I first joined the workforce. I was with my colleague in office, one late evening, to print price labels for a sale event that we were organizing. Since I completed my part earlier, I offered to help him out. The next day, a mistake was discovered during the sale. The price label for one of the items had been under-priced. Unfortunately, 2 sets of that item have already been sold by then. This cost the company to lose about $400+ in total. I discovered that the wrong price label actually belonged to my colleague who was in charge of that section. Just as I breathed out signs of relief, I soon discovered that I was the one who contributed to the error when I helped him that night. What should I do now? Own up to my mistake and be given a bad evaluation of my performance (at best) and maybe even pay back the company for the losses and lose my job (at worst)? OR should I just keep mum about the whole thing & let my friend take the rap? That night, I couldn’t bring myself to sleep. It was a moral dilemma for me. It was afterall, my first job in a reputable MNC and it wasn’t all that easy in clinching this job. I loved my job and was eager to save my own skin.

The next day, my colleague confronted me and said that I had sabotaged him as a consequence of my carelessness. Besides apologizing, I could only remain speechless before him. What else can I say? But as much as I needed to save this job, I was suddenly conscious of how he would view me or even Catholics in general. I had always been outspoken of my identity as a Catholic. (Blame it on my eagerness to evangelize in my own subtle ways at work) Now, if I were to save my skin today, will I then lose a chance of his potential conversion in future? Would he want to be a Christian/Catholic when he learned that this is how they behave? Could I bring myself to do that? With that thought, the choice seemed clearer to me.

Soon after, I owned up my mistake to my boss and also offered to pay back for the losses. However, my gracious boss told me it's ok to make mistakes. “Do not repeat it and let’s move on” – that’s what he advised. Whew! Seemed like a close shave with death. Looking back, I always felt that this is one of the best decisions that I made. It had been a pivotal point in my spiritual life when I’m reminded of the innate power & potential within me to say “no to evil & temptation”. Temptations may look daunting & overpowering. They seem to give us incessant pressure till we cave in to their requests. But if we could only take time to recall the no. of triumphant victories we had, we will know that we are not as weak as what evil would like us to believe.

The Sun’s (Mar 1) Gospel reminded us that Jesus was led by the Holy Spirit to be tempted by Satan. Next, we also find that not only wild animals were in the desert, but angels too! We definitely do not fight this spiritual warfare alone. Let us take courage & refuge in this!

“…but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more”
~ Romans 5:20

The Paralytic Man & His Friends (Mk 2: 1 - 12)

2009-03-14T20:22:00.004+08:00

For those who have friends/relatives who are smokers or are smokers themselves, you will know how hard it is to break the habit. I have tried relentlessly and have given up hope in trying to persuade someone to give up smoking.

So, you can almost imagine my eyes popping out when I first learnt about 2 persons who have successfully given up smoking. It was during my business trip to India that I heard about how 2 friends encourage each other to give up smoking. Incredible? Yes! I would even go on to say that it was almost a miracle in itself. Friend A, a smoker himself wanted to encourage Friend B to give up smoking. In order to do so, he set the example and gave up smoking. Friend B, upon seeing the great sacrifice made by his friend, also gave up smoking in the end. Here is a classic example on the power of friendship. It open up my eyes to see that perhaps a good form of encouragement is not a dressing down on “dos” & “don’ts”. It is one thing to share training tips to help a friend build up his stamina and it’s quite another thing to run the race together with your friend.

In today’s Gospel (Feb 22), we witness the miracle & power of another set of friendship. A paralytic is recovered because of the perseverance and astuteness of his friends. It is amazing on the length of trouble a friend would go through – just to restore the health of the paralytic.

Yet beyond that, we see another level of friendship unfolding. We witness a friend who would go beyond the physical to reach out to the deeper and often hidden level of spiritual health. And that was what Jesus was interested in. In fact, in so doing, Jesus is souring his relationship with the Pharisees. This will be the start of the many accusations that will be brought against Jesus identity – the ability to forgive sins.

Yet in our world today, how many spiritual friends will we be able to find? Do we have a community who sincerely cares deep enough for our often neglected spiritual health? Someone who will risk souring relationships to tell us what we need to do to restore our spiritual well-being? It is often weird for most Catholics to share/talk about religion with another person, especially someone close. But if we sincerely care for someone’s spiritual health, we need to pray for the strength & perseverance like what Jesus and the paralytic’s friends did. As true friends, let us care beyond the surface.

Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.
~ John 15:13

Curing of Leper (Mk 1: 40 - 45)

2009-02-26T09:17:00.007+08:00

In our present age, with the advancement of medical science, it is not common to encounter a leper (depending on which part of the world you are in) on the streets. Yet, I wonder what will my reaction be, should I meet one. Will I cringe at what I see or will I run for the fear for my life?

What I saw in Jesus during the Gospel Reading (Feb 15) is more than another healing miracle. It helps me better understand the nature and personhood of our Lord Jesus. Today’s healing was more than breaking the rules to “work” (heal) on the Sabbath or the touching of an unclean man. It is about overcoming our basic instinctual needs for survival. Even before He displayed His great love for us in dying on the cross, we can already catch the sneak preview of this crazy lover – a God who loves us (His creation) more than his own life.

Just a few years back, I found myself playing the role of the leper. It was during the SARS period, whereby the slightest tinge of cough or running nose will get people around you paranoid. I was down with a dry cough one day while attending a bible class. It must have been the cold air that got me coughing a while. Suddenly a lady who was sitting next to me just turn and said that perhaps if I’m not feeling well, I shouldn’t be there. I can understand where she is coming from and I do think that there is some truth in what she said. But what made it slightly difficult to accept was that it came from a fellow sister in the community – and to be more specific, a Christian community. What I would really have long to hear was at least a concern (if I was ok), instead of being condemn as a burden to the community.

So, although we will never encounter a physical “leper” today, but there are still many “lepers” around us. They come in the guise of people who long for our acceptance and care. In today’s context, perhaps lepers no longer come in the form of patients but they can still appear as “outcasts” – those who may be socially inept, slow or loud. A few times at work, I’ve also caught myself behaving like one who condemns. Sometimes, my overtly concern for efficiency can overtake my concern for a fellow colleague’s well-being. This reflection serves as a reminder for me on what it feels like to be treated like a leper. I pray for the strength to love like Jesus did – a love beyond my own self. Perhaps it is only then, can I really reach out beyond myself to bring healing, & integration to others.

Today, I like to pay tribute to Blessed Damien. (See biography A or B ) He will be canonized this year by Pope Benedict. A saint who reminded us of the presence of God in the world (1840 – 1889). A saint who loved to the point of being one with his charge. A saint who understood that people are succumbing not to leprosy but abandonment and condemnation.

“I make myself a leper with the lepers to gain all to Jesus Christ.”
~ Blessed Damien of Molokai

Moving On (Mk 1 : 29 - 39)

2009-02-10T16:15:00.010+08:00

I suspect that at some point in our life’s journey, be it a physical exploration of a new place or a personal decision in life regarding career etc, we come to a crossroad whereby a decision is required. At that juncture, we want to know if this is the time to move on or to stay back? And it is oftentimes not an easy decision to make, especially when it entails the “temptation of two goods”. Few years back, I was faced with such a dilemma in ministry. Both present their fair amount of challenges & opportunities. On one hand, I had grown attach to a particular ministry in my parish due to the heavy investment in time & relationship forged. On the other hand, opportunity presents itself in the form of a new challenge at another church.

Will my staying on allow me to renew the current group – to grow everyone closer to God? Also, can I let go of all the relationships that have been forged? Will I be abandoning the group now if I leave them? Many thoughts ran through my mind. On the other hand, what can I do for this new group if I had moved on? Will the new members in that group accept me as a new comer, with new ideas & new ways of doing things? What if things don’t work out? There is no one size fit all or “model” to the discernment process. What works in a particular situation may not guarantee to work in another.

However, these could be similar thoughts that ran through the mind of Jesus in Sunday's Gospel reading (8 Feb). But we could pick out a few tips from the Lord’s discernment process :

1) deep & long prayer
2) staying focus to his mission
3) attitude of surrender (& openness)

It is amazing how things were turning so well (& I’m sure the disciples are also basking in the new found popularity of their Rabbi), only to be met with a complete different course (and maybe also unexpected), after a night of prayer! (Mk 1: 34, 37) Thereafter, the answer for this radical decision was given : that Jesus was sent to proclaim the good news, and He must press on. Speaking from my experience earlier, I can only surmise that this is no easy decision to make. I can only suggest that an attitude of surrender (of one’s wants & motivations – be it for popularity, of feeling useful etc) and remaining focus to our true self could bring about such a decision. I do not know whether our Lord brought his offerings & mission into prayer or if prayer actually reinforced His attitude of openness and mission. But all 3 elements seem essential and inter-related. Let us learn from our Lord on how we can move on in our lives...

"For this, it is necessary to make ourselves indifferent to all created things, in all that is allowed to the choice of our free will and is not prohibited to it; so that, on our part, we want not health rather than sickness, riches rather than poverty, honor rather than dishonor, long rather than short life, and so in all the rest; desiring and choosing only that which is most conducive for us to the end for which we are created."

~ Principle and Foundation 2, spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius

Authority (Mk 1: 21 - 28)?

2009-02-07T18:30:00.015+08:00

For me, the word "Authority" often gives a negative connotation. It brings back memories of army and work. As a common saying goes in the army, when they ask you to jump, don't ask why but how high? When they ask you to run, don't ask why but how far? Yes, that's what authority is - just do it! no questions ask.

Just when I thought I was liberated with the end of national service, I realize that the corporate world too, can sometimes be run by dictatorship. I'm sure many would agree with me that not all decisions made here is 100% objective all the time. Once in a while, decisions have to be made based on subjective (gut) feelings. Sometimes, it could really all voice down to the choice of a colour - red or green (for example). And how many times, we have heard complaints (whether by someone else or silently in our heart) that go "Okay, if you say so. What to do? You are the boss." And what made it hard to stomach sometimes, is the fact that these decisions may not necessary end up to be the best ones. At times, they are only a matter of preference, and not knowledge.

Sometimes, authority can go in this direction. It is used (or abuse) to protect an organization, a tested tradition/system and often times, the very person who made that decision. As they say : Don't rock the boat! However, looking at how my nephew & niece are raised, I have learnt that authority can also be used to protect - the other party. One can often hear parents say : "Don't do this...Do that....I told you already, listen up....." But their intention is always for the well-being of The Other.

During the Sun's gospel reading (Feb 1), we hear the word Authority mentioned 2x. The first one was the way Jesus taught - with a sense of surety & expertise. He exist before the world was created and He's one like us in all things, except sin (Heb 4:15). He is not only all-knowing but He walks the talk. Indeed, He has all the right and qualification to speak with such certainty. Here, we are not toying with subjective decision making but one that deals with our eternal lives! Would and could you entrust your life to a doctor who operates you based on subjective gut feel? In this present age whereby globalization, consumerism and technology media is growing, we need ever more the authoritative teaching of the Church to guide us. She cannot act according to the "times of the world" or the fashion of the month. Hence, the importance to recognize the infallability of the church in her teaching on morality & ethics.

Next, Jesus taught with an authority that backed Him up. Often times, we hear the Pharisee questioning "by what authority & who gave the authority?" (Mk 11:28). They have failed to see 2 things : 1) Jesus authority stems from His concern for the OTHER party. It was never about Himself or to protect His ego. 2) God's divine nature is love. IF the Pharisees had been able to perceive this, they would be able to conclude that Jesus was backed by God's authority for God = love and Jesus taught with love. He taught not to add burdens; control people's freedom (Mt 23:4) but rather to liberate His people - to set the captives free and proclaim the favourable year of the Lord! (Lk 4:19)

Everywhere (in politics, in the church, on school playgrounds where bullies rule, in neighborhoods torn apart by drug dealers, and in the world at large where private interests often destroy community) there is a longing and a constant prayer for someone to come and use power in a redeeming way to make things better. The longing for a messiah is in fact a longing for a redeeming power to enter into our lives.

~ Ronald Rolheiser, Secularity and the Gospel: Being Missionaries to Our Children

Calling of Disciples (Mk 1: 14 - 20)

2009-01-10T17:03:00.010+08:00

The upcoming Sun's Gospel reading (Jan 25) reminds me of how the Lord called his first disciples at the most unlikely places - at work! Work and God? No way! They are mutually exclusive. If anything, the closest association I can think of is : religion as a weekend (part-time) job. God suddenly appears when the weekend is here :
- when I have more time for myself.
(Suddenly, I can have time to care for others and be a loving disciple)
- when I go to serve in my weekly ministry at church, attending mass.

In short, I practise religion at my convenience. And so, God is also conveniently remembered. Yet at work, I often wonder how people look at me. Will they find traces of evidence that I am a Catholic? When I entered the work force, I recalled my lofty ambition to climb up the corporate ladder by "hook or by crook".

My friend, Kim (who had a few yrs of working experience) reminded me that as much as there are "politicians" in the workplace who backstab & slander, there are also angels around who are nice & helpful. The choice is mine to make. The corporate world is not just about survival of the fittest, it's also about a witnessing to the values of humanity, love & social justice. I was skeptical but still, her advice stayed at the back of my mind.

When I got my first job, I remembered this case of witnessing that stayed vividly with me. Our admin colleague sent out an angry mail one day about a photocopier machine that broke down. In her mail, she mentioned that the last person who used it, should have reported the incident to her so that she could get it rectified immediately. Instead, the delay has now brought much inconvenience to the department. If you are the culprit, what would you do?

Own up? That's what my colleague Stephanie did! She was a self professed Christian who witnessed to Christ in the workplace. During Christmas, she would give out lollipops with an evangelical message attached to them. She would also correct colleagues about why it should be Christmas and not Xmas = because Christ is the reason.

Though most people would prefer a clean & goodie image, she opted otherwise - to own up & apologise for her mistake. She was in a hurry then and was not able to inform anyone of the breakdown. Somehow, for me, the mistake make her more Christian than if she had remained silent to preserve her good Christian image. She stood for someone who's humble and humane. She showed me that making mistakes is not the end of the world. But walking away from your Christian responsibilities is really the downhill of your career - as a witness for God.

Thanks to her, I've not taken the "hook or by crook" corporate climb. Instead my motto in work : to try bring Christ (love) to others & vice versa. That's just what I want to be remembered for. Not a tyrant, sly director. Yes, I'm still far away from my Christian goal (and the director post as well!) and needs a lot of pruning.

In today's Gospel, we see how the disciples were "promoted" from fishermen to fishers of men. That's the promotion I hope to get in due time.

Nothing seems tiresome or painful when you are working for a Master who pays well; who rewards even a cup of cold water given for love of Him.

~ St. Dominic Savio

Come & See (Jn 1: 35 - 42)

2009-01-07T14:23:00.008+08:00

“Come & See…” was the invitation made by our Lord to John’s disciples & us during this Sunday’s reading. But what exactly is He inviting us to see? A house? Probably an iconic, freehold condominium, overlooking some skyline in today’s context. Or perhaps, He’s inviting us not to a house, but His home. Not merely to visualize, but to take in all that one experience. In elsewhere in the Gospel, Jesus would often remind his listeners, “why do you look and not see?”

Throughout my life, I’ve been invited to numerous homes. Some were contained in gorgeous, well decorated houses but one that made a deep impression in my memory, turned out to be an exception. It was a caroling project with my first RCIY batch few years back. One of our elects, a 13yr old boy invited us to his place for caroling. As the host, it is often expected that food will be prepared for the team of carolers visiting your place. Though he did not come from a well-to-do family, yet he invited us to his place that year. I wondered if he understood the implication of that invitation – it would have cost his family a considerable amount of money & efforts! On that fateful day, we went to his 3-room flat to carol. Although it was a small place to fit 25 of us, but we enjoyed ourselves. Food, comprising of mee goreng with chicken wings were served. Honestly, the food was not enough to go round but we all understood the situation and knew the purpose of why we were there – to carol, evangelize.

But that day, I felt that I had received more than I had given. I will never forget the joy & cheerfulness of that boy. He always carried with him a positive outlook in class. Despite the situation they were in, the family had been generous with what they could offer. I felt that I did not enter into a small room but a BIG home that day. One filled with unlimited servings of love & hope. A family who did not forget to come together to give thanks to God during the Christmas, and to literally witness His message of hope and love to us. What was offered to me was not merely food, BUT an encounter of selfless human spirit.

Whenever I reflected on this passage, that encounter just seemed to come back. For the lack of description in the Gospel, I had to use my imagination. What did the 2 disciples encounter that day that made Andrew say, thereafter, : “We have found the Messiah?” It must be more than a building. Could they have experienced something similar to what I did? A poor but generous God who humbled Himself but not limited to serve out repeated, overflowing portions of mercy & compassion?

“Open your hearts to the love God instills in them. God loves you tenderly. What He gives you is not to be kept under lock and key, but to be shared…The more you save, the less you will be able to give. The less you have, the more you will know how to share…Let us ask God, when it comes time to ask Him for something, to help us to be generous.”

~ Mother Teresa

Baptism (Mk 1:7-11)

2009-01-06T09:42:00.009+08:00

At some points in my life, I can't seem to escape the usual questioning on "who am I?" (what's my worth?) and "what is my purpose here on earth?" (what do I live for?) (read previous blog entry) And I highly suspect that they will continue to haunt me at a later stage in life. Can't seem to shake them off.

But what is most perculiar about this questioning process is not the repeated pattern that has surfaced but the timing of these questions. They seem to bug me everytime I enter into a different phase/situation in life. They happened when I :

a) was in secondary school AND JC, trying to find my sense of belonging,
b) was in army, trying to find meaning in the 2.5 yrs of "wasted" time,
c) graduated, trying to find the "right" job
d) was working, trying to make sense of my contribution & worth
e) was serving in church, wondering if I made a difference - for the better or worse?
f) had to undergo an operation, trying to understand what have I lived for in life?
And the list goes on.

Somehow, it is in periods like this, when uncertainty grips me, that affirmation and encouragement followed suit. They provided a clue to what I needed to do next.
When I took time to recall such moments, I saw them taking flesh in my

a) silent retreat in JC 2 (I found myself : it was my conversion point in life to know Christ again, after leaving church for 3 yrs)
b) year end retreat in JC 2 (I found a community : receiving affirmation from my catholic JC frens that helped me find back my self-esteem)
c) LISS experience when I was in the 1st yr of army (I found my faith : a build up, being touched by the Lord again)
d) weekend retreat with Doulos in my second yr in army (I was affirmed : an extra-ordinary encounter with the Holy Spirit)
d) my job offer with Sony (I found my priority & vallues : after I declined 2 prior job offers which compromise my values & time for ministry!)
e) the many affirmation notes/cards that I received in retreats & Christmas (I found my vocation in ministry : think I was doing something right then)

Penning this reflection, I can only be grateful to the Lord for the graces He has bestowed on me. Understanding the person that I am, provided an impetus for me to find my direction, esp. when I face uncertainty in a different phase in life. i.e. it is in finding the "who am I" that allows the "my purpose here on earth" to happen. This Sunday's reading is on the Baptism of our Lord (Jan 11, 2009). Looking at the life of our Lord Jesus, we find the baptism scene most pivotal to his subsequent temptation in the desert and 3 yrs of public ministry. This baptism scene is not meant only for the High, Almighty Son of God (Up There). But it is equally important & relevant for me today (NOW HERE). Have I been affirmed? Have I affirm someone else?

Baptism should not be viewed narrowly as a once in a lifetime ritual that is gotten over & done with. (Thankfully, we still have the renewal of baptismal promises each Easter Vigil). In a broader sense, everytime I receive an affirmation, it is really a reminder of my baptismal encounter. It is our Heavenly Father (through the mouthpiece of another) affirming us - not for what we do only, but for who WE ARE. "This is my Beloved with whom I am well pleased". The problem with me, when dealing with baptismal topic in RCIA/Y is that I like to quickly jump into the next part - the response of the elects. That translated to a long list of "Should Do/Behave" But for once, I need to get it right. I like to simply dwell & busk in His love & affirmation. Once I know who I am....the rest will take care of itself.

I (Sheila) learned the most about the meaning of affirmation from our friend, Dr. Conrad Baars, until his death, a Christian psychiatrist and author. Dr. Baars found the most common emotional hurt to be a lack of affirmation. By this he meant that many, perhaps even most, people in our culture have not had their goodness revealed to them by another who sees that goodness and loves them unconditionally. And Dr. Baars believed that we cannot become our true selves until we have been affirmed. We discover who we are only when we see our goodness reflected back to us in the eyes of another who loves us. Thus, in his book, Born Only Once, Dr. Baars writes that all of us have been born once - physically. But many of us have never had our second or "psychic birth," because no one has ever affirm us. "

~ Healing the 8 Stages of Life (Matthew Linn, Dennis Linn, Sheila Fabricant)

Epiphany - The Revelation of God

2009-01-05T00:18:00.009+08:00

Time flies. It's yet another year to end the Christmas season with the culimination on the Feast of Epiphany. It is not only a big word to understand but coming to terms with it's full meaning & implication seems to take a miracle. And I'm not sure if I could ever do so in my lifetime. But 2 events that I encountered recently reminded me a little of it's meaning.

My friend, Kenneth came by to do some catching up few days back. Strangely, I always thought of him as a popular extrovert, only to be corrected that he's also quite an introvert who prefers time & space for personal reflection. I don't really know him well but was glad that this is a good start to know him. On another occasion, I caught up with another fren who used to date a lesbian. He joked that He wanted to be a Saviour to change her. But in the end, nothing worked out. Nonetheless, knowing him, I believe the real reason is 'cos he has noticed something beautiful within her. Somewhere along his daily encounter with her, he fell more for her. There must be something more about her that we don't know/see.

And I think Epiphany (The Revelation of God) is a little of both events. We need someone or something to show/tell us who God is first. How else will we know Him? And this is the reason for Christmas to culminate in Epiphany - the revelation of God, through the giving of His precious Son. Just like my friend, Kenneth who volunteered information on himself, Christ came to show us who God is, His nature & what He stood for. "To have seen me, is to have seen the Father" ~ Jn 14:9. Today, this revelation continues to come to us through the bible, the teachings of the church and not forgetting the wonderful people around us, who led by their examples. But theoretical knowledge is not enough. We are not merely reading the biography of a historical person. We need to look above & beyond what we see/know. That is what the word "contemplate" means. God is to be experienced. My second friend was able to look past the sexual orientation of the girl he liked (knowledge) to gain a deeper insight into her personality. That could only be brought about by an experience and revelation.

I often wondered what the 3 wise men saw at the stable that night when they found our baby Jesus. A simple vulnerable baby born in the most humble and forgotten place. Have they mistook the tree for the forest? What made them bow down & pay homage to this child as the King of the Jews? Reading Mt 2:11 tells us the story. It reveals only part, not the full nature of the person of Jesus. Only contemplation allows us the space & insight to look beyond what we were told to what is the truth. Only then, can we look with the eyes of the wise men that night to recognise vulnerability as power, humility as majesty, poverty as riches. And until and unless we come to terms with this, through a personal experience/conviction, can we then bring our best before Him (be it gold, frankincense or myrr).

"But they were given a warning in a dream not to go back to Herod, and returned to their own country by a different way." ~ Mt. 2: 12

May we, like the wise men, experience Christ and never go back to our old & sinful ways (Herod=culture of death). Rather, let us be constantly transformed and return back in a different way - renewed & life-giving.

New Year Resolution

2009-01-03T00:25:00.007+08:00

I don't know if people have given up on resolutions. But there seems to be quite a no. of things I would like to do for 2009. Amongst them,
1) learning Bollywood Dance (yes...pls do not laugh)
2) learning photography
3) putting more efforts in my grooming & exercise
4) picking up keyboard & vocal classes (re-learning)
and the list goes on. Then, I went to check with my colleague on his resolutions but ended up being enlightened from a discussion with him.

He differentiated a "new experience" from a "must-do in life" when he define his resolutions. To him, a resolution should be a dream (amongst the many) that he would like to fulfil in his lifetime. Failing which, will leave him with regrets. A new experience, on the other hand, is an ad-hoc desire which he would like to do, if possible. But failing which, will not make him any bitter or less fulfilled in life. What I have just listed seem to fall into the latter definition.

What was interesting in hearing his insight is about how I often mistake a short term goal for a long term one. Why do I make resolution? Is it not to better keep me in focus on my efforts & activities for the year? But aren't these suppose to help me better live out my life, with less & less regrets as the years go by? In that case, shouldn't resolutions also help build up towards a goal that may span a longer term and greater fulfillment in life? Sometimes, my vision gets myopic (not just from the long hours before the computer) as circumstances are ever-changing. So why bother? Better to take each day as it comes. Today's conversation reminded me of my life-long resolution which I made in my varsity days.

Back then, a question was thrown to us in one of our tutorials "What is the one thing you would like to be remembered for, before you die?" After some thoughts, my reply was "...to be remembered that I have made a difference in someone's life, that I have brought them closer to Christ..." was the answer within me. Since then, that has been the goal in my life, be it in my workplace, home or ministry. I can't say I have accomplish much in this area but it continues to be my lifetime effort. This goal still remain valid today. But looking at the greater scheme of things now, I then begin to wonder how will my 2009 resolutions bring about the accomplishment of my lifetime goal (THE resolution)? Perhaps, I will have to seriously consider re-classifying and deleting some of these 2009 resolutions. Or maybe, I have to re-look at how I could still bring others closer to Christ (make a difference in their lives) when I go about my 2009 resolutions (e.g. perhaps evangelize to a fellow student in my dance, photography class?)

The key is really to remain focus, determined as we head towards our long term goal (whatever you may be called to do). What is often visible, attainable before us need not necessarily be the most important end goal in life. And this short-sightedness might cost us THE regret of our lives.

"Brethren, I do not consider that I have made it my own; but one thing I do, forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature be thus minded; and if in anything you are otherwise minded, God will reveal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what we have attained. Brethren, join in imitating me, and mark those who so live as you have an example in us."

~ Philippians 3:13 - 17

Christmas - The Wait(ed) Moment

2008-12-26T01:46:00.007+08:00

The first time I saw him was when he approached me for a $5 change. I thought he looked mentally unstable with his white hair, cross-eyed & sloppy look. The next time I saw him was when he asked me for the time of the night as he walked towards the bus stop (outside my home) which I have just alighted. Surely, this is a madman, I concluded. The third time I saw him was when he was waiting alone at the same bus stop. I was on my way home, around 8+ after a long day's work.

As I turned my head back, I realized that he was with his wife, walking with her, lovingly holding her handbag. I suddenly pieced everything together & realized that he was all along waiting for his wife to return back from work! The last time he enquired about the time was to estimate the time that his wife was returning. I can't believe that at the age of 50+, this couple could still be so loving. I was somehow touched by what I saw before me. I've heard the story of the prodigal son so many times, but this is the first time I truly FELT what the parable was all about. We have waited many times for people who are late for appointments, and we tend to remember them well (don't we?)! But we forget quite quickly the times when people waited for us. What does it feel like to be waited? Especially one where the person waited for you WITH LOVE and not annoyance? Could you pause & think (+ feel) about that for a moment? Have you ever been waited with such love (be it in a relationship) or have witnessed something like that?

As we celebrate Christmas this year, we often like to think that we (the world) are waiting for the Saviour to come. Or at least, this is what the readings & Advent reminded us. But what if, it was really the other way round? Rather God was The One, who waited for us? Waiting for us to respond to Him - to welcome Him into our ever so-busy world, a world of self-interest, consumerism? A God who waited with love for us. A white-haired God who has waited since the beginning of time for our notice, for us to pause & feel His love. Yes, in so many ways, God is like the man I've encountered. So easily he escaped my notice, gets written off by my quick judgement as a madman. Yet, if only I choose to LOOK BACK & PAUSE (to reflect), I will notice someone more beautiful than I thought - a God MADLY in love with me. Is that what we see at the scene of the Nativity?

"Better than hoping for anything from the Lord, besides His love, let us place all our hope in His love itself. This hope is as sure as God Himself. It can never be confounded. It is more than a promise of its own fulfillment. It is an effect of the very love it hopes for. It seeks charity because it has already found charity. It seeks God knowing that it has already been found by Him. It travels to Heaven realizing obscurely that it has already arrived."

~ Thomas Merton, No Man Is An Island

Christmas - Our Light of Hope

2008-12-22T18:30:00.005+08:00

As I was taking my night flight back from Shanghai, I manage to peer through the window to take one last look at the skyline of the city. It's really beautiful. But it somehow reminded me that all this comes with a price. When I was serving my National Service in Tekong, I recalled how I often admired the numerous stars that I see in the sky. But I could only spot a few of them when I'm in mainland Singapore. Later, someone told me that our tall buildings with their night lights has lit up the sky so brightly that it made it difficult to spot any stars.

About 2000+ yrs ago, 3 wise men followed a star that led them to the child Saviour, tucked away in a manger. If this event is to happen today, will there be any star for them to follow? In a brightly lit world today, we get distracted with so many beautiful & colourful lights. Which is the true light to follow? Today, I see these lights represented as materialism, consumerism and secularism. I too, am guilty of getting distracted with the latest fashion wear, electronic gadget must-have. In this new age, many digital improvements have also demanded my attention. They range from sms, facebook, to msn & emails. All of which has left me with less & less time for myself, yet alone a proper discernment to decipher what's really important in life.

Living in Singapore all my life, I've only encountered a blackout about 2 times. It is during those times, when a simple lit candle could bring much comfort & hope to me. When all the bright lights have failed me, this simple candle light stay true by my side. A comfort to help me find my way in the darkness, a hope that everything will be restored to its original state. Yes, even in the familarity of my own house, I can get lost. Isn't this often the irony in life? We get so used to our daily routine, that we begin to accept the way things are. We stop questioning if there's a more Christian, Loving way to carry out our daily task.

The advent candles are a timely reminder to me for what they stand for. The first candle reminds me of what Christmas promises to bring - Hope, an alternative to what I have to put up with - darkness. The question is whether do I want to step out of this darkness? Just where bad news is the proven headline that brings publicity, can I be the one to herald good news? Can I be the one to make a difference in the lives of those around me?

In him was life, and the life was the light of men.
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
~ John 1 : 4-5

Involve

2008-12-21T01:44:00.009+08:00

"If you are not part of the solution, you're part of the problem"
~ Sydney J. Harris

I think there's so much truth in the above statement. What it essentially teaches us is that when faced with a difficult situation, we got to take a stand. We cannot be bystanders and just "hope for the best". It leaves no room for indifference. I'm sure we are confronted with many of such issues in our daily lives. It may range from unjust treatment of migrant/domestic workers to gossiping of colleagues/friends.

The bible highlights this clearly in Revelation 3:15 - 16, where it speaks of those who sit on the fence. They will be spit out eventually. Too often, the Catholic Church has been branded as a sleeping giant. We adopt the waiting stance. We complain about many things but we wait for someone to act, to solve our problems. But in order for our world/church to evolve to a Christic world, it is not enough merely to revolve it round faith & prayer. We need to start getting involved. We need to get our hands dirty & start getting into action. We are not perfect and we have a long way to go. But getting personally involved is a good place to start.

I used to dream of an active & envangelical Catholic community which is the envy of many non-believers. A closely knit community whereby we all know each other because of everyone's active involvement in church ministry. An evangelical community because we are so filled with the fervour and Spirit, that we no longer remain shy or ignorant of our faith. But when will this take place? My dream seems like a far cary from current reality. Should I give it up or wait for that day to come before I contribute? Am I then part of the problem or solution?

I finally decided that my dream will not happen if I do not take the first step to plant the seed. And there's no better place to begin than to start educating & outreaching to the youths today. Hopefully they will grow up to change the world around them. Only they have the ability to lead & shape the church of tomorrow. It has been a great 10 years in youth ministry. My dream today is still nowhere in sight. I may not live to see it fulfilled. But the thought that I am involved in this plan, sometimes shudders me. On reflection, I could only say that it was divine inspiration that kept me going all these years. And it has been a beautiful journey just to be involved (via my own silly & small ways) in the grand plan of God.

Martin Luther once explained that for the Incarnation to take place, 3 miracles were needed.
1) For God to come and dwell in the human form
2) For the Saviour 's birth to come forth from a virgin
3) For Mary to consent and be part of God's salvific plan
And for him, the greatest miracle was the last one.

The smallest deed is better than the greatest intention.
~ John Burroughs

Revolve

2008-11-23T01:06:00.006+08:00

The recent financial crisis seems to rock the world of it's conventional and proven methodology. What used to be "secure" or "safe" deposit suddenly doesn't hold fast anymore. What used to be leading companies turned bankrupt overnight, billionaires became paupers and top management find themselves without jobs. "What has happened to our investments?" - became the talk-of-the-town.

I read with interest at one of the articles in "My Paper" this morning. The writer shared on his investments in life - family & friends. It was an unexpected reminder from the usual financial forecast on the outlook of the economy, industry and fund performance. I started to sit back & ask myself "what were my "investments" for the year 2008? What were my ROI (return on investment)? It has always been said that no dying man will ever list down his regret in life as "not spending enough time at work". But ironically, we revolve our world around career advancement & money-making. I still remember an activity that I used to do - shading on a pie chart (that represent the 24hrs of a day), the time "invested" on the various activities on a typical day in my life. As you have guessed it correctly, I spent the most hours on activities that are deemed the least important.

This year however, I was quite satisified on my "investments". I managed to come home a little earlier from work to play with my nephew & niece. Spending time watching them grow up is my "star" investment - something which will never come by again. Without a ministry this year, I also ended up spending time reaching out to friends & ex-ministry members. I'm rather surprised at this unexpected ROI - knowing them on a deeper level than I previously did when I was in ministry. It is likely that I will stick to this "investment strategy" for the next year. My world will continue to revolve around people.

This was the same strategy that Christ took when He chose the hopeless 12 apostles to be his missionaries. Did He have a Plan B? Nope. And I think that's when the world's first "trust" fund started. It was based on the trust of a solid foundation - the goodness within humankind, created in the blueprint of God's image & likeness. Are we bold enough to revolve our lives on this trust?

"The root of Christian love is not the will to love, but the faith that one is loved"

~ Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation

Evolve

2008-11-19T18:33:00.010+08:00

I think one of the criteria we can use to gauge the level of development in a country is the emphasis given to the local arts scene. Looking back at the progress of Singapore, I am a living witness to our country's development, from emphasis on public infrastructure to economic stability and the recent establishment of a local Sports & Arts School.

Looking on a more macro level, how has our world developed? With 15 billion years of evolution, the world today continues to evolve, whether we like it or not. And so, it pays for us to spend some time asking ourselves : how have we evolved and towards what or where are we evolving?What is the benchmark that we should use as a gauge of our evolution?

The current book that I'm reading "The Humility of God ~ A Franciscan Perspective" by Sr. Ilia Delio, seems to suggest some insight. "There is only one Word of God and that Word spoken in history is Christ. God creates with a view toward Christ because Christ is the goal of creation, the object of God's love from all eternity. When we understand that Christ gives meaning and purpose to creation, we see that Incarnation is more than about ridding us of sins. As Zachary Hayes writes, Christ is not an afterthought on the part of God. Rather, God's primary purpose for becoming Incarnate is grounded in the divine desire to love, to be our beginning and our end, to be "God with us," in order that we might dwell in the presence of the divine. In this way, Christ is not an intrusion into an otherwise evolutionary universe. Rather, the whole process of evolution points to Christ. Margaret Pirkl indicates that the universe is an external emodiment of the inner Word of God; thus there is something incarnational throughout the whole creation. In the Incarnation itself there is a perfect fit between Christ and creation because everything has been made to resemble Christ."

I take consolation in what I read above. Knowing where I originated - created in the image & likeness of God. Christ was God's first thought. And because all things came into being through the Word, I bear the blueprint of Christ. Along life's journey, I'm now reassured that I'm not alone. I was not created & forgotten but that through the history of time, God Himself became Incarnated, to enter into my world, to remind - that He is with us. And finally, I'm given a glimpse of where I'm heading - the goal of becoming Christ to all. Yes, this is essentially where my evolution will take me. Each of us has the potential to be Christ whenever we reach out to hear the goodness within our hearts and to live them out in our actions.

Isn't this a nice thought for a change? We often thought of the world in 2080 as one with digitial, robotic, hi-tec accomplishment. We seem to be so caught up with efficiency & science that we neglect the moral & spiritual aspects of our well-being. How about a world evolving to become more loving, caring and forgiving? What's the point of a pro-longed life span (aided by the advancement of science) with a deformed soul? Could we still consider this as evolution?

"God utters each one of us as a little word, as a partial thought of Himself. That is why when the Word became flesh, there was a real "fit" between the divine nature and created human nature to receive the divine Word. From the "beginning," creation has had the capacity to receive God into it because it is a finite expression of the infinite Word of God."

~ Sr Ilia Delio, The Humility of God

Loneliness & Longing

2008-11-02T23:52:00.008+08:00

Beware of young people who will walk up to you for a chat. They will pretend to practice their English with you and ask you out for a drink. The bill will then come up to an exorbitant amount, of which they will feign surprise. Yes...this is what the guidebook for Shanghai warned me. True enough, I had a few encounters of these in Shanghai during my recent business trip. They range from pimps, callgals to innocent youths, who attempted to chat, or rather con me.

What gave me away (my identity as a tourist) would probably be the occasional map reference & photo-taking. Whipping out my map and camera will definitely draw unwanted attention from con artistes. When alerted, their role is to confuse/con us. My recent experience reminded me that these "harassment" happened when they knew that I was alone. Perhaps this is the time when one is often forced to confront the harsh needs/emptiness within, and to search for that solution. Some people call these desires, "longing". They can be understood after a lifetime of reflection as something deeper within, which St. Augustine was most commonly quoted "our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee". Or, they can be mistaken "myopically" for the most convenient substitutes. It is not surprising that during these moments of struggles within, these "forbidden fruits" will suddenly present themselves attractively before you. They can come in many forms such as Internet Gaming, Clubbing, Drugs, Phone/Internet Chats/Surfing, TV/Movie Watching, Shopping and the list goes on. Loneliness and longing are neither good nor bad. But how do we confront them? Where do they leave us? Do we use them as excuses to find quick substitutes to numb the pain or do we see them as opportunities for private time in our personal introspection & development?

When these incessant harassments kept coming in a row, I really wished I was in the company of friends in Shanghai. The need to "lay low" and being on the constant look-out for these "predators" are simply nerve wrecking. Maybe the same can be said of my Christian journey - the importance of journeying together in a community. There's a need for us to rely on each other as companions, as "look-outs". During my journey to the various destination spots in Shanghai, my map & camera remain the most important tools. The map allowed me to orientate myself, keeping me in check. My camera allowed me to seize the moment in time, for future introspection & contemplation. Though these are the same tools that attracted the unwanted harassment but they are crucial in my journey. It would be silly of me to give up the fruits/joys to enjoy the scenic spots because of these slight distractions. I just need to remain firm & overcome them when they come along.

In my Christian living, I have come to terms that I can never eradicate loneliness and temptations along the journey. They present as opportunities to be in touch with a deeper longing within or short term desire for quick-fix solutions. The strive to my heavenly home will need my bible (map) and prayer (camera). But using these 2 tools often warrant the initial struggle to fight off distractions (be it internal or external). Many give up for fear of attracting/fighting off the distractions. But they remain essential if I were to get to my destination. Looking back at my journey thus far, I definitely couldn't have made it, had it not been for the company of friends who aided me to fight off the many "predators" and who provided a lamp unto my feet. So, let's not forget all these tools and experiences on our lives' journey.

Loneliness and longing take us beyond ourselves.
Thomas Aquinas once taught that we can attain something in one of two ways: through possession or through desire.
To quote Karl Rahner, only in the torment of the insufficiency of everything attainable do we know that we are more than the limits of our bodies, our present relationships, our jobs, our achievements and the concrete situations within which we live, work and die.

Loneliness and longing let us touch, through desire, God's ultimate design for us. In our longing, the mystics tell us, we intuit the kingdom of God. What that means is that in our desires we sense the deeper blueprint for things. And what is that?

Scripture tells us that the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, of simple bodily pleasure, but a coming together in justice, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. Ultimately, that is what we ache for in our loneliness and longing: consummation, oneness, intimacy, completeness, harmony, peace and justice.

~ Fr. Ronald Rolheiser

Firm Foundation

2008-10-04T12:43:00.010+08:00

The world was thrown into disarray recently with news of repeated tainted milk cases coming from China. It is sad how profits could drive one to adulterate milk with melamine. According to Reuters (Beijing), this has resulted in an estimated 94,000 victims in China thus far. Similar cases were beginning to surface in other parts of the world. As if a conspiracy has been set, we were then struck by yet another setback on the global financial sector - the collapse of the century old Lehman Brothers. This has impacted employees, investors, creditors, and government worldwide. The sub-prime mortgage crisis is like a bubble waiting to be burst that has plagued the US financial sector.

What is significant about both tragedies are the impact that they have wrought and the efforts involved to cover up the harm done. These cases teach us a thing or two in life. It is a timely reminder about accountability and the need for a firm foundation. There is simply no short-cuts in life. There comes a day of eventual reckoning. We reap what we sow. The same can be said about those of us in ministry as well. We never know the impact we have on other people's lives. Thus it is frustrating when we encounter people who gloss over what they impart in faith knowledge, or having insufficent preparation for the liturgy (e.g. choir etc). When we stinge on our preparation, how then can we expect the church to grow with passion, wisdom & mission?

But the output is as important as the input. This is the same principle why some banks & milk companies collapse & others do not. In order to do our mission effectively, we need to address the fundamentals - for whom & why are we doing it? We need to get our foundation right. This is probably the reason why many people today get so frustrated & despondent about ministry work. Many people claim that they are doing it for God but left unchecked, the real motive could for self acceptance, recognition, power etc could creep in. Jesus needs to be the foundation upon which we build our mission.

Sometimes, our involvement with ministry started out with good intentions, but along the way, our self interest took control. The questions raised by most frustrated victims of the 2 recent cases were : "how on earth did the actions escape detection?". Somehow, a checklist/control measure was missing or that the corporate culture was so strong that employees (or those in the top management) were led to believe that they did the right thing, and no harm was done. Today, I wonder if I too, have fallen prey to this fallacy. Have I stop to check on my values & actions? Following the crowd may not always necessarily be the right thing to do.

For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit;
For each tree is known by its own fruit.
For figs are not gathered from thorns,
Nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush.
The good man out of the good treasure of his heart produces good,
and the evil man out of his evil treasure produces evil;
for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.
"Why do you call me `Lord, Lord,' and not do what I tell you?
Every one who comes to me and hears my words and does them,
I will show you what he is like:
He is like a man building a house, who dug deep,
And laid the foundation upon rock;
And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house,
And could not shake it,
Because it had been well built.
But he who hears and does not do them is like a man
Who built a house on the ground
Without a foundation; against which the stream broke,
And immediately it fell, and the ruin of that house was great."
~ Luke 6 : 43 - 49

Finding God in Work

2008-10-01T21:59:00.003+08:00

I had a good catching up with a friend on Sun for lunch. And it was a timely reminder as we discussed about how we find God in our daily lives and especially so in the most challenging place - work. All the more so for me, who have just switched to a new job.

In my old workplace, I recalled how I would share my faith freely & to say my grace before meals in front of my colleagues. With this new environment, I have somehow stopped all these. Was it a momentarily amnesia as I adapted to my new environment, or was it cos I was ashamed in proclaiming what I believe? I must say the reminder could not be more appropriate. I should only be fearful if my behaviour contradicted to my belief. So yes, a new environment presented a new opportunity again - to share about my faith. I am determined to make God present in my workplace and not just kept in the shelf (church) on every Sunday.

Today I went to work, mindful of finding God in my workplace. As I was walking to my workplace, the radio from one of the cafes was playing the song "Miracle" from the Prince of Egypt movie. "There can be miracle, when you believe...", that's how the line of the chorus went with Mariah Carey singing it. Wow, what a way to start the day! During lunch, I was given the chance to say my grace before meals. It felt a little awkward at first, since my colleagues were mainly non-Christians. But nonetheless, I feel this faith means something to me. I ought to be proud to live it & testify to it. During the end of the day, I received a sms from a church friend who worked in the same area as I did. She informed me that there's a lunch time mass organized on every Tues near my workplace!

What more can I say? It's really not that difficult to find God. Yes, even in the most challenging place. I guess that's what they meant when it is said that we only need to make our first step towards God, and He'll take the rest of the 99 steps towards us. Although He may not necessarily come in the way/form we expect (thunder, dreams, miracles), but He is surely present if we only look (and not see) and listen (and not hear). All it takes, is a simple awareness (examen) and some pondering in our heart, to make meaning of what we experienced. There is no shortcut to this, but a disciplined routine practice, which many before us have come to learn - the art of finding God in our daily lives.

"When you call to me and come and pray to me, I shall listen to you.
When you search for me, you will find me;
When you search wholeheartedly for me, I shall let you find me"

~ Jeremiah 29 : 12 - 14

Being or Doing?

2008-09-28T01:10:00.014+08:00

Well, there's this saying that goes, we should always "walk the talk". And it's finally catchin up with me! Like Peter, I am finally put to the test - if I would indeed live out what I preached. It started with the question if I was prepared to face death and there I was - living out that very same question, 1 month later during my op.

In trying to make sense of my operation experience, I found myself answering the same questions again "why am I here?", "what's the purpose of this (extended) life?" (read previous blog entry) Days later, I find myself to be the listening ear for 2 friends. One was deciding whether to accept a new job and the other was facing family/personal issue that affected his ministry work. Strangely, I felt that they have given more meaning to my life than I have ever done for them. I often thought that I have come to terms that "my being" is more important than "my doing". i.e. being a child of God, the Father (who have immensely loved me), is of upmost value than having to do anything to merit His love. But it is in the face of death/life, that everything seems to crumble to reveal the real truth within - a very insecure child. Or perhaps, the work culture in this world has accustom me to, try in every possible way, to "value-add" to this world (yes, incl. of Christian mission). And I suspect that this "contribution to bottom line" will plague most people till the day they die. Knowing that one does make a difference to this world (in however small way that might be) is honestly consoling.

I believe only our heavenly Father really knows me inside-out. Seeing the little child that needs affirmation & encouragement, He has indeed surround me with people who allow me to reach out. In so doing, it has helped me to love, to appreciate myself and to reach out to God. Until the next time I face death, I still have some time to work out on my "being". To know that I can never do anything more/less to merit the love of God. This love has already been poured out unconditionally, since the beginning of eternity. And let's thank our loving Father for that. It is only in getting this foundation right, then can I proceed to "value-add" in the right attitude - serving generously & unconditionally. And it's ok if I can't do it all the time, since the P&L has already been determined - a bountiful surplus. This is certainly a company that we can be assured of lifetime employment with no retrenchment or dismissal.

"When a man falls in love, he seeks the sweet servitude of affection and devotion to another.
When a man falls in love with God, he immediately goes out in search of a neighbour."

~ Fulton Sheen, The World's First Love

Happy Birthday!

2008-09-21T18:11:00.010+08:00

This has got to be one of my busiest birthday. The day was spent juggling between lunch with family and preparing myself for my new job the next day. Gosh...another year has slipped by without me realizing it! It was only during the close of the day, upon some quiet reflection could I then appreciate the significance of this day.

Considering my recent surgery (read previous blog entry), to be given another year (and more years to come hopefully) is indeed a blessing. This is something which I have always taken for granted. It has indeed been a frightening but awakening experience. The Devil would have liked us believe that we have eternity to prepare ourselves to meet our Creator but the fact is that we could never count on that.

During my recent sharing about the ordeal that I went through, my colleague reminded me if I had considered the blessings that I have received thus far, prior to entering the operation ward. This thought has never crossed my mind. She asked if I was grateful for the fact that :
1) this was only a minor surgery (could have been worse!)
2) I have accomplished something in life - be it contributions at work, in church etc
3) I have been loved by my family, friends (my parents were with me during my operation)

It is strange how the basic things in life, which we were supposed to give praise for, always ended up being taken for granted. They have become a "given" rather than a gift to appreciate. And this is dangerous when we extend the same attitude into prayer. The whole episode has indeed caught me off guard. I am not as strong/appreciative as I thought I was.

And this timely advice from my colleague seem to remind me of one thing - that my life counts for something. For once, my birthday has taken on a new meaning for me this year. It's no longer anticipating about the gifts or well wishes that will come my way. Rather, it's about what I can give of myself. Each year of life, is indeed a blessing and a gift. And it becomes a gift only when I use it - living it to the fullest. So, when my next birthday arrive, it will be a time of blessing (to be grateful for all that I have received & experienced), and accountability. How have/will I live the remaining 365 days?

I Asked God

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve,
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey;
I asked for health, that I might do greater things,
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things;
I asked for riches, that I might be happy,
I was given poverty, that I might be wise;
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of man,
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God;
I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life,
I was given life, that I might enjoy things;
I got nothing that I asked for - but everything I had hoped for,
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered,
I am among all men, most richly blessed.

~ Author unknown

Vulnerability

2008-09-10T23:23:00.013+08:00

Upon reflecting on my recent op, I concluded that there is no easy segregation between a good or bad experience. Often times, it's what we make of it or learn from it. Similarly, a particular situation can draw out our strength and/or weakness. Looking at a rose stalk would have reminded us of the beauty of the flower and the pain of the thorns that stem from it. The op has indeed enlighten me about my own vulnerability - it is not always a strength &/or weakness.

In my case, vulnerability can put the reliance on self or "the other". Pride (in the guise of self-defense) & Vulnerability can grow hand in hand. Through sharing, I learned that there are actually many more like me, who have been through operations (and some sounded worse). If only, I had shared about my fears earlier, perhaps I would have received more relief & a better picture of what to expect. Need for privacy & risk of vulnerability has kept me imprison in my own anxiety. Or more accurately, it was pride which kept me at bay - my reliance on self to solve my own problem, the reluctance to trouble others, the fear of revealing my vulnerability.

For my physical body to restore to its original healthy state, it first require me to go through a certain phase of risk & vulnerability. It is during this time, where I learnt to accept my fraility and the kindness extended through the care givers around me. I sometimes wonder, if nature has been designed to bring us into (as babes) and out of the world (as wise sages, hopefully) with complete reliance on those around us. Perhaps too often, age/efficiency/independence has made us believe that we become burden to others when we rely on them. Mother Teresa, once shared that, if we only knew the good that these poor & marginalized are doing for our souls, when we reach out to help them, we should instead be the ones thanking them. And maybe, the same can be said of my emotional & spiritual health. The paradox of sharing is that though it makes us vulnerable, but it's one sure route to recovery. Unless we share, no one will ever know that we needed help. It is time we recognise & accept that we can never be 100% strong all the time.

Vulnerability can also draw one to close in or to open up to others. In a way, the recent op has develop a sense of compassion within me. Having gone through the op, it makes it easier to reach out to another person in sickness. There is a longing within to tell them that it's ok. I've been there, I know what it's like and I will go through it with you. Suddenly, my eyes are open to a whole new world of experience, where as in the past, I could only watch as a spectator.

But if not careful, vulnerability can also put me under the focus lens. Everything starts to zoom in on me. It was all about me, my feelings, & trying to gain sympathy and attention. My dad tried to offer some comfort by saying that "it's gonna be ok", shortly before my op. But my curt reply to him was, "why don't you lie down on the operating bed and try saying that"? That was an instinctive response as I was too caught up with myfeelings that day (confusion, anxiety, etc). But a colleague help me see things from another perspective - through the lens of "the other". Sometimes, our loved ones do not know the right words to comfort us. They also share our fears. Their words are also meant to console themselves, just as they are for us. They try their best to bring relief to us - in the best that they know. As much as it might be the first jittering experience for me, I had forgotten that it was the same for my dad too : to watch me lying on the operating bed.

It's no wonder then that I couldn't recognise God through my vulnerability. He wasn't reduce to mere lines in the bible, tugged away somewhere. He was whispering to me, through the people around me. All this while, He was ever making Himself present, trying to get my attention. But I have failed to see or speak to Him, as I was simply too engrossed in myself.

"God never gives us something. He always gives us someone."

~ Bro. Michael Broughton

Trial

2008-09-05T18:19:00.013+08:00

"If you were to die today, will you be ready to meet the Lord?" - this was a question which plagued me during my World Youth Day. (read previous blog entry) I finally know my answer to that question.

I waited the whole morning at the hospital for my operation. The fear of the unknown, of not knowing what to expect, sent shivers down my spine. As far as I could recall, nothing came close to the anxiety that I went through that morning. My heart pounded and I tried to recall a comforting verse from the databank of my mind, but none surfaced.

The moment finally arrived as I was wheeled into the operating theatre at about 1.50pm on Sep 3. Probably because of the fear that was playing on me, many thoughts dashed through my mind. (But nope, i did not see that tunnel of light or anything like that!) Somehow, i realised that there was nothing that I could anchor my hope in. i.e. something is missing in my life. For once, I was hoping to cling onto something or someone for strength. But I found no such life line. Today, it is only a simple day surgery. But imagine if something worse is to happen. I really do not know where to find the willpower to fight the battle. I felt strange that this realisation should hit home hard on me. I wonder if this experience is highlighting a void within my life.

The surgery went well but the thought continue to linger within me as I reflect on my ordeal. Perhaps all this while, I've been going through life, running on an auto-pilot, habitual routine. I haven't reflected deeper into my life. Thus, it took a surgery (a life-threatening encounter) to bring this to light. On a cursory examination, I wondered if it could be attributed to :

a) my lack of a love/family life? ('cause from most drama shows that I watched, they often give the patient, played by the leading actor/actress, courage & strength to fight life's battle with sickness)
b) the fact that I'm still young & not ready to die? (but then again, who is ever ready to die? So, a more appropriate questioning might rather be : what haven't I achieve/accomplish in life that left me with regrets?)
c) the idea that I thought I was loved by God but maybe this hasn't quite been fully/completely experienced within me? Is that why I don't feel the least comforted at all?
d) my faith that was built on my accomplishment and actions but no/little reliance on God? Maybe my faith has been centered round my doing (my own reasoning, chosing what I want to believe) but becomes weak when I realise that I could no longer depend on myself but on Him whom I have to rely solely for my deliverance. The gap surfaced when I have to surrender myself (& my control) to Him who will take over the unknown hitherto.

Obviously, the whole encounter has shaken me up a little. But still, I need to do more soul-searching and I know this is going to take some time. Where is God in this? What & where is He leading me? Nontheless, even with all my questions unanswered, I'm still grateful for this whole experience. Because it brought me an inch further to preparing myself for my death. Hopefully, the next time that I encounter such a similar experience, I will be better equipped.

In the meantime, I'm confident that these questions stem from a healthy relationship of wanting to know myself & God better. It is only through this questioning can I bring our relationship further to a higher plane. So Lord, guide me to live the words of St. Paul, your martyr, who proclaim so convincingly,

"For I am certain of this : neither death nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nothing already in existence and nothing still to come, nor any power, nor the heights nor the depths, nor any created thing whatever, will be able to come between us and the love of God, known to us in Christ Jesus our Lord."

~ Romans 8:38 - 39

Fear & Anxiety

2008-09-03T01:26:00.002+08:00

"There's a 5% chance that people who is under GA (General Anasthesia) will suffer a heart attack or stroke, but that's only a slim chance", the anasthetic doctor told me as part of my pre-op preparation. I was later briefed about my operation procedure when I'm under GA. What sounded like a simple op, didn't sound too assuring thereafter. That was 1 week ago.

Tonight, fear pounded me like never before as I prepare myself mentally for my op the next day. I was scheduled for a "right-hemithyroid" day surgery. Somehow, although I was assured by people around me that everything will turn out well, but that didn't bring relief. Even the meal that I take, seemed like a "last supper" for me. I wonder when I will be able to eat as freely as I wanted again. Is that what a prisoner, who is about to be hung, undergo the night before? For once, I could relate to both the Last Supper & the Garden of Gesethmane passages. It must have been a difficult, anguishing moment for our Lord. I'm sure, He carried within him a heavy heart. Perhaps one that allows Him to relate and comfort us "Come unto me, all you who are heavily burdened and I will give you rest" ~ Mt 11:28

A priest once shared that the worst form of spiritual warfare may not necessary be one with the Devil. Rather, our deepest fears & anxieties could be the worst form of enemy. It cripples us of our ability to trust & hope - our source of strength & joy. This is why we pray during mass "...deliver us Lord from ALL our anxieties, as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our Lord Jesus..." As I long for someone to share his/her experience with me or words of comfort, I'm sure that is what the Lord was longing for, when He brought along His 3 disciples that night. Silence seems deafening tonight. I could relate to the weakness that our Lord went through. The kind of solace one needs when you hit rock bottom. One that made us cry from within our deepest confusion : "My Lord, my Lord, why have you forsaken me?" Everything that I touch/see seem to be the last time for me. Yes, I sound like an over-exagerrated drama king but that is what I went through within me. Words will never be adequate even right now. At least, for me, I know that I will return alive but for the Lord... Imagine for a moment, that you will be giving up your life the next day! Unless you have undergone such a life-threatening experience, it is worth our while not to gloss over these 2 final passages of love from the Lord. Tonight, these passages became alive & personal for me.

As I reflected on these passages, a fleeting thought crossed my mind. Perhaps I should pray over myself (for healing)! Afterall, that day's gospel reading is on the curing of Simon Peter's mother-in-law in Mk 1:30. Maybe, the passage meant something. But somehow, I was quick to check on myself. The act would be good but the intent didn't sit well with me. What I was after was an easy way out of my situation - instant healing, without taking up my cross. But that isn't what the Lord did. Rather, He chose to spend His time in prayer during His last night on earth. To seek solace & to find comfort in Him who is The Rock, The Fortress, My Refuge. I know the night is going to be long, the future uncertain. How I wish tomorrow never come. But despite these negative thoughts, I could only believe that He has a plan. That this experience will help me somehow in life and maybe in reaching out to others. For now, I could only pray the words that the Lord has taught me "Abba! Father! All things are possible for you. Take this cup away from me. Yet not what I want but what you want."

"Let nothing disturb thee, Let nothing affright thee,
All things are passing, God changeth never.
Life is to life in such a way that we are not afraid to die."

~ St Teresa of Avila

Trust & Relationship

2008-08-27T00:43:00.002+08:00

It was brought to my attention recently about a member in a ministry who has been quite "touchy" towards his fellow younger members. This has upset many in that community and people have started to distance themselves from him. Around the same time, I also discovered another member in another ministry who has been cheating on his gf. He has been two-timing his gf, and even introducing both gals to the Catholic faith! All this came as a shock to me as I try to make sense of what was presented before me. They seem to be God-fearing, righteous people yesterday and today their hidden lives seem to bring about pain & confusion to those around them.

When is trust broken and how did it begin in the first place? I find myself pondering over this issue as I sat on the dentist chair tonight, waiting for the dreaded polishing and scaling of my teeth. It's funny how trust could be broken by people you seem to know for so long and yet it could also be easily earned by complete strangers. I realise how my r/ship with this dentist started - I took a leap of faith to trust in his expertise and experience has proven him to be a dedicated professional. On another level, I experienced disappointment among the people that I have trusted within the Catholic community. They seem to have deviated from a level of unspoken expectation & behaviour within a r/ship.

Perhaps my r/ship with God is sometimes like that. At times, it is smooth sailing with no questions asked and other times, I experience disappointment & the urge to distance myself from Him. I think trust can come in many levels. On one level, we can trust someone but yet not establish any r/ship (as in my case with the dentist). On the other hand, we can trust someone based on a r/ship, but with no complete understanding of the other party (as mentioned in the above example). Thus, let us not be happy when we say that we completely "trust" God. Perhaps, what we are really saying is that we trusted in His expertise and nothing has yet to go wrong in our lives. But is there a r/ship? On the same note, let us not be unduly panicky when we sense that our trust in God is broken. Perhaps, we are being challenged to a new level of our r/ship. What might be happening is that we are forced to confront our unspoken expectation in this r/ship. What is our expectation of God and how do we expect Him to act or behave? When something falls short, we can either choose to walk away from that r/ship or to re-evaluate our expectation and understanding. Only when that happens, can there be the start of healing, acceptance and a new level of r/ship.

In both earlier cases, the parties concerned would have to come to terms in accepting that this is the same righteous and fragile/imperfect child of God that they knew. Though they have 2 different sides to their nature, but they belong to the same coin. It is now our choice - to walk away with disappointment or to confront our expectation and to accept, & forgive them; to allow this painful experience be the start of a healing & reconcilatory dialogue and understanding. Maybe, it is not just their human nature, but also our understanding that has been imperfect and incomplete. Let not fear (of covering up) or the truth (of someone) cripple us. Perhaps then, this is the start of real trust. And the same applies in our human r/ship with one another & with God.

"I am afraid to tell you who I am,
because, if I tell you who I am,
You may not like who I am,
and it's all that I have."

~ John Powell (SJ), Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am?

Faith-Book

2008-08-25T23:48:00.002+08:00

A fren once asked me why I go about profile-surfing on people in Facebook. And I thought to myself : Why not? Shouldn't this be the case?

An article on 13 Aug in Straits Times, shares how some youths surveyed felt that Facebook (touted to be the most popular social net-working site) did not help enhance their relationships. And the reason is not unfamiliar to most of us. It is easy to add a friend. But what happens next? How much of these "friends" do we really know or bother to find out? If not careful, Facebook could reduce to a number game. And when that happens, it can become a competitive game whereby we boast our popularity by the number of frens we have amassed. A chat with many friends revealed that many of them were not aware that I have a blog (even though my blog address was clearly stated on my facebook). On the same survey finding published by Straits Times, some have also commented that gossips/curiosity about their friends' dates, profiles, blogs has also become one of the reasons why they were addicted to Facebook.

So, I guess it's too early to comment if Facebook is indeed helpful in our "networking". It is about a choice of usage. It requires some occasional soul-searching. Inevitably, this led me to question my motive to join Facebook and to answer my fren's question. I was first invited to Facebook by a close friend, (read previous blog entry) who has passed away . Back then, I wasn't interested to join any of these on-line networking, as I think it was a waste of time. Well, that was not untill his untimely death in Dec. Since then, I often regreted. I have lost a friend and a part about him through the profile/pictures in his facebook. He could never click to accept my friendship in Facebook and be counted as one of my "inner circle". Ironically, becos of him, I decided to come online - to make a difference. Yes, to reach out and to treasure others (while I still can), whom I may otherwise not have the opportunity due to physical/time barrier. To thank God for the gift of friendship which I have often belittled & taken for granted. And thus perhaps becos of this, I find it important to get in touch with my friend's situation, to drop an occasional mail to those whom I have lost contact or are gradually losing contact. I must say that I have yet to get in touch with all 160 friends (as of today), but I am still working on it!

But much more than just knowing/re-connecting with someone, Facebook today has also extended to business networking, marketing for classes & investments etc. I too hope that Facebook and this blog can also serve another purpose. That I can use this to share my faith, and my struggles in life with others. That I can reach out to one more person - to let them know that they are not alone in their faith. Perhaps then, one day, this will not be just a Facebook but also a Faithbook. In this new age of technology, perhaps we can build online global Christian communities like how the early Christian community in Acts 2 started. Imagine the speed, possibilities & the new ways of evangelizing that has come about in this exciting new millennium!

"The person who has been evangelized goes on to evangelize others. It is unthinkable that a person should accept the Word and give themselves to the kingdom without becoming a person who bears witness to it and proclaims it in turn."

~ Pope Paul VI, on Evangelization in the Modern World (EN)

Review of WYD Experience

2008-08-24T01:57:00.002+08:00

NEVER-ENDING

One of the scariest revelation that I discover when I completed my 30 week Ignatian retreat is that - the retreat never ends! Yup, that's what my SD said! A retreat, like any good session or pilgrimage allows us a temporary get-away to focus on our existing relationship with God. Thus, how can it ever end, since my relationship with God is an on-going one? With that, although the WYD has come to an official close, but I think it's really just the beginning of my journey. I left WYD enriched with :

1) Renewed Hope
On the first few days of WYD, I look around and saw some disinterested youths during some of the events. They were talking when mass is going on etc. I wonder if they should even be at WYD at all! I was quite disappointed at these youths - where's the hope for tomorrow? But few days later, when I thought that I was the only one who would be interested in some cathechetical sessions in the Youth Festival, I met 2 different groups of youths. Um...there are youths who are interested in our Catholic faith afterall! Who says they are not? They do bother to find out more about their faith. There is hope! Afterall, didn't God put His faith in the apostles who abandoned him originally? After 2000 yrs, isn't He still putting His trust in our church thus far? I too, have hope in our youths and future. I am certain they will receive the Power and make a difference in the Church tomorrow. This is God's church and God's mission!

2) Renewed Fervour
Though I was initially saddened by the disinterest & passiveness from some of the youths that I saw around me, but somehow it didn't cripple me. Instead, it became a motivator for me. The lack of appreciation for God somehow drove me to want to make Him more known & loved. I'm not sure how. If the others don't get it, perhaps the problem lies not with them but with me. Perhaps somewhere along the way, I have failed to explain it in a more simpler way. Or maybe, I have sterotyped God - expecting Him to reach out to the youth in a particular manner in a designated time. But when & how God comes into the lives of us is always a mystery. (I am but also a living example as I recount my own conversion story) And it is not my place to decide. I am called, like John the Baptist to pave the way. Indeed, "Christ must increase, and I must decrease". There are still many who have yet to know Christ but every drop in the ocean counts!

3) Renewed Inspiration
After all that is over, I left WYD with a vision - of making MAGIS available to our youths in Singapore. I sincerely believe it is a wonderful program that allows youths to encounter God in their day-day living and through their own interpretation. In the meantime, I need to pray about this and I hope to find enough people from my WYD/MAGIS group to make this happen. If not soon, I hope MAGIS will come to Singapore one day.

"As your Spirit calls to rise, We will answer and do Your will.
We will forever testify, of Your mercy and unfailing love.
Alleluia! Alleluia!
Receive the Power, from the Holy Spirit
Alleluia! Alleluia!
Receive the Power, to be a light unto the world"

~ Theme Song for World Youth Day, Sydney 2008

WYD Special - WYD (D+5) Reflection

2008-08-21T00:09:00.001+08:00

STAND UP FOR YOUR FAITH

Honestly, i couldn't figure out why we must go through a vigil with the Pope to mark the closing of WYD. Is this really necessary? Braving the cold winter night outdoor, breathing the dust at the racecourse, crowding with many other thousands of pilgrims for a bed space, toilet facilities (yes, the list of complaints go on)....Though i may not necessary possess a satisfactory answer but the vigil has taught me a thing or two...

1) Faith is not a bed of roses
It is one thing to declare that Jesus is Alive in the comfort & warmth of my home and it's another thing to share this faith with many others when the going gets tough. Having to carry my own sleeping bag, mat & outdoor clothes, to travel a journey to the racecourse for the vigil is no laughing matter. No roses, only a bed of dust awaits. But the Gospel text reminded us that whoever wants to be a disciple of Christ must first learn to deny himself, take up the cross & follow Him. The final acid test is here : how far will I go for Jesus?

2) Faith is not a lonely journey
Faith is never about me & my sweet Jesus only. It is feeling solidarity with our brothers & sisters. Tonight, i finally got to experience what it means to be out in the cold & to feel hungry. Faith is about awareness that my bro/sis around me is in want/need. Reaching the Racecourse, I noticed how 2 frens were accompanying a handicapped fren to the vigil. They took turns throughout the night to ensure that their fren is kept warm. Wherever possible, they tried to help him out of his wheelchair, to stand up & feel the atmosphere - the spirit of the energy & the sure presence of our Lord. That to me, is faith. I'm not there just to receive, but also, what have i given (of myself)? That is, a more important question than "what's in it for me?"

3) Faith is about witnessing
"stand up and be counted" so they say. Perhaps not in the literal sense of every word. As we left Randwick after the night out, I notice a gal on her wheelchair. Ever wonder why these people go through the length for the vigil? It beats me. Our faith is only made possible cos of the many people who believed & died for their faith. It is handed down to us so that we too, might believe. I often complain & grumble & challenge the many things we do. But looking at this lady on a wheelchair reminded me to count my blessing and not take my faith for granted. It's time to "Rise Up" & witness to my faith!

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.
~ Hebrews 11 : 1

WYD Special - WYD (D+4) Reflection

2008-08-19T22:50:00.002+08:00

Be Still And Know That I Am God!

Silence has many dimensions. It can be a regression and an escape, a loss of self, or it can be presence, awareness, unification, self-discovery. Negative silence blurs and confuses our identity, and we lapse into daydreams or diffuse anxieties. Positive silence pulls us together and makes us realize who we are, who we might be, and the distance between these two.

— Thomas Merton quoted in Thomas Merton: Essential Writings edited by Christine M. Bochen

Being aware of the 2 possible outcomes that silence bring, I find myself in a dilemma when we journey towards Randwick for our Vigil with the Pope. A small group of us has decided to take the shorter route, 3km walk to Randwick vs the proposed 19km walk. But I believe that the length of the journey is not as important as what we do during the journey - sharing our faith & encountering our Lord. Yes, I pray that this may be our Emmaus Walk. As such, I suggested that our group take short breaks for personal reflection, along the journey. Was it right of me to make this suggestion?

Indeed, I was humbled & enriched by what the Lord has revealed to me through our wonderful group. For our group, silence brought about :

1) Times of Refreshing. Away from the imperfect day to day living with our peers (bearing with their complaints & demands), some of us are once again reminded to love like our Lord Jesus and to examine our own failings. Suddenly, we began to see the logs in our eyes, rather than the specks in others. Indeed, the hardest part of my journey was to come to terms with my imperfections - impatience, selfishness, sarcasm & many more. The silence reminded us of our purpose (the source & goal) of this pilgrimage - to encounter our Good Lord. We are strengthened by the silence. Though no words are exchanged, but we are comforted by the Lord's presence as we pause for a moment for prayer in St. Peter's Church.

2) Moments of Gratitude. Away from the familiarity, some of us are reminded of the people whom we have often taken for granted - parents. Yes, we miss their smiles, and care. It is an irony that they only became closer to us when we are physically apart. I, too, need to show more appreciation when I return home. But for now, I also realise that I am travelling from home (physical) to another home-coming (spiritual). Although we were travelling together side by side, as representatvies of different countries, but as pilgrims, we were all heading towards the same destination - Randwick (and perhaps heaven some day). We need to claim & live out our identities as true sons & daughters of our loving Father and brothers & sisters to one another. Yes, we do not relate only by blood ties, but by our spiritual bonds, care & love for one another. So, let us be grateful for the people that God has sent into our lives (yes, even the "difficult ones"). The least we do unto our brethren, we do it unto the Lord.

3) The Hour of Truth - Silence opens the senses in our hearts to the world around us. One of our group members shared how he witnessed an old couple supported each other on their journey. Despite his old age, the old man was still lovingly supporting his wife with one hand, while he relied himself on a walking stick with the other hand. It wasn't stamina that brought him through, love did. Love allow us to see one another as gifts and not burdens. Our senses have also awaken us to the presence of God in the creation around us. Indeed, this silence has allowed us to see (& not look), and to listen (& not hear).

Silence is God's first language; everything else is a poor translation. In order to hear that language, we must learn to be still and to rest in God.

~ Thomas Keating quoted in The Sun & Moon Over Assisi by Gerard Thomas Straub

WYD Special - WYD (D+3) Reflection

2008-08-17T02:25:00.001+08:00

Keeping Awake

This has got to be one of my worst day for the entire WYD experience. I'm beginning to feel the fatigue & soreness in my throat. Yup, a flu is definitely brewing up. I need to get some rest if I were to continue with my journey. It will only get worse tomorrow, esp with the overnight vigil at Randwick. It's going to be cold. And if I don't get enough rest today to build my immunity, I will definitely be down & out by tomorrow.

Thus, I decided to stay in today instead of joining my WYD group for the Stations of The Cross. After taking a 2hr nap in the afternoon, I went down to re-unite with them for an evening concert. That night, I learned that my group had a wonderful experience at the Stations, in St. Mary's Cathedral. They were able to pray with the Stations since they were well executed (with live actors re-enacting the whole scene). Most commented that they were touched by the acting, esp. the role of Jesus, who was stripped bare chested, facing the cold winter winds. In addition to that, my group also had the opportunity of coming upclose & personal with the Pope. He was only 30m away, when he came out to give the blessing to the pilgrims!

At this, my heart sank. I wished I was also present. If only, I hadn't given in to my temptation to sleep. *Sigh* Yes, I'm once again reminded of the scene in the Garden of Gethsamane. The Lord must have wanted to reveal/pass down his last words to the 3 close apostles whom he has taken with him. They often say that the words/actions of a dying man would be the most important thing that he wishes to communicate. Perhaps, the Lord too, has much to reveal to me through the Stations. But alas, I gave in to temptation. Yes, if I could, I would definitely give up anything to turn back the hands of time. I would have persevere (even if I had to risk running a fever) so that I could participate in the event. Perhaps this is how the 3 apostles must have felt too. Perhaps they too, have had a long day. They too, must have experienced disappointment, guilt and shame upon later introspection of their actions.

I've come across this passage many times. The first impression is to judge the 3 apostles as lazy, weak and that I can do a better job. But this experience has taught me to seek understanding first. Afterall, this is what I am really seeking when I try to give reasons/make excuses. What makes a regret bearable is the understanding of the other party. This is definitely a job that Jesus does best. He transforms regrets to determinations. Perhaps this is what gave courage to the good thief who dared ask for Paradise with Jesus.

"I look at Jesus. He looked at me and He understood." ~ The Good Thief

Create in me a clean heart, O God,and put a new and right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence,and take not thy holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of thy salvation,and uphold me with a willing spirit. Then I will teach transgressors thy ways,and sinners will return to thee.

~ Ps 51 : 10 - 13

WYD Special - WYD (D+2) Reflection

2008-08-15T01:36:00.001+08:00

WHO DO YOU SAY I AM?

A recent internet poll on the WYD official website cited "meeting the Pope to be" the most popular reason amongst pilgrims going for the WYD. The truth be told, that seems to work for the majority, except me. : ( My main intention for this trip was to explore Sydney since I haven't been there. um...Pope, WYD was secondary.

Today, we arrive at Barangaroo to attend the opening prayer service with the Pope. As usual, our walk to the venue was filled with much energy, passion & joy! Pilgrims marching side by side, singing our hymns, raising our flags high. Prior to the opening mass, I still can't figure out why the fuss about meeting the Pope. But on reaching the site, I realised that our group actually got the prime space, near the stage! Wow...I find myself eagerly weaving into the crowd to get nearer to the stage. Strangely, I too, was hoping to get a good picture shot of the Pope & (maybe) even shake his hands! Yes, with all the on-site excitement from the crowds, the 60" projector screens highlighting the cruise of the Pope to our destination, I found myself succumbing to the atmosphere & sensation. Yes, crowds were screaming & slight jostling was experienced when we finally caught sight of the Pope on stage. I dare say that the reception for the Pope is definitely not beneath those accorded to top celebrities walking down the red carpet for their Oscar awards.

However, as the Pope was delivering his message to the audience, I could barely hear him. The sound system wasn't too clear and to make matters worse, the crowd was filled with chattering. Um...this seems like a fan club gathering! Isn't God's message more important than the vehicle who delivers it? This really kept me pondering if there's a need to purify our motive to attend the WYD. Shouldn't we be there to encounter God, rather than to meet the Pope? I wonder... Why are we hankering to get good shots of him and not to press our ears for a line/phrase that may touch/inspire our hearts? Is our Holy Father, the "vicar of Christ" that we proclaim or is he merely a celebrity that is framed in the pictures that we take?

But this reality reminds me of the familiar Gospel scene 2000yrs ago. Many crowds followed Jesus. They must have witnessed the numerous spectalcular healings, exorcisms which He carried out in His ministry. Even King Herod was a fan of Jesus. But when Jesus proclaimed Himself to be the ordinary Bread from heaven, many left. Many a times, Jesus must have experienced the popularity, the pressure from the crowd - to be made their King. But at the height of all this sensation, Jesus ask only 1 question : Who do you say I am? This is the same question I find myself asking during my last pilgrimage to Israel (@Caesarea Philipi) last year. Who is Jesus to me? It is a personal question that demands a personal answer.

Today's crowds do not differ from those 2000yrs ago if we lose sight of our focus on the message (instead of the vehicle), and the role that God wants to play in our lives. God did not come as someone sensational or who is a projection of our own imagination - a hero, a miracle healer, modern day Santa Claus (granting wishes), a scapegoat (someone to blame when things go wrong). He comes to us in the midst of life's montony, to journey with us. He encounters us in the person of our father/mother, friend, colleague, boss, subordinate, brother/sister, son/daughter, when we carry out our mudane responsibilities. And so, can I embrace the fact that He is not confined only to the high sensation that one gets in a powerfully charged retreat, or a healing miracle that we witnessed or the close friends that we have bonded in the WYD experience? But that Jesus is all things for me in the ordinary lives of the people I meet in my routine day-day living. A God, just like one of us. Someone ordinary, but who loves in such an extraordinary way.

There is nothing profane here below for those who have eyes to see. Everything is sacred. The entire creation, including every person, is a sacrament of God because within each and every thing, in some way, God is hidden.

~ Ilia Delio : The Humility of God (a Franciscan perspective)

WYD Special - WYD (D+1) Reflection

2008-08-15T00:49:00.002+08:00

Purpose Driven Life

When the Purpose Driven Life book by Rick Warren was first out, it resulted in sell-out success across many Christian bookstores. And the most probable reason is 'cos this book prompts us to search & answer life's ultimate questions on "why am I here?", "what's the purpose of my life?". Regardless of age, these are classic questions which one raises from time to time.

I find myself pondering critically over this as I sat down for my dinner, after the Asian Night performance at Olympia, Sydney. I was hungry and only ate my dinner at 10pm after rushing from place to place for the Youth Festival (catechetical program), while everyone else has already taken their dinner. Why did I rush from place to place today? What have I gained in the end? Is it worth it? These thoughts ran through my mind as I chew my food grudgingly at Macs. I just had Macs two nights ago and was definitely hoping for a change of menu. But I had no such luck as most stores have already been closed since 7pm.

Just then, I noticed a long purse at the foot of the table, where I was eating. Has someone dropped it accidentally? Is this going to be my lucky day? Will I get an unexpected windfall from the wallet? I waited a while before realising that a fellow pilgrim (from another country), seated opposite me, has just left the seat. She returned and continued to chat with her friends. I waited for a few minutes before clarifying with her. She looked at the wallet on the floor and sighed a huge relief, before picking it up.

A thought suddenly flashed through : What if, my purpose for tonight, was merely to brighten another pilgrim's day by preventing the loss of her wallet? I took heart to know that I could have been chosen by God to make a difference in someone's else's life. Having lost some things in life, I can imagine how difficult & frustrating the whole process might be, esp. for someone who lose their personal belonging in a foreign land. Isaiah 43:3-4 reminds us of how God gave up nations & people in exchange for Israel (us). We are who & where we are today, as a result of the people whom God has sent into our lives to prepare us. Looking at my own conversion & faith journey, I know this is true. Reflecting on all that has happened, I can only be grateful for the turn of today's events. I would not have chosen to live it otherwise. Nothing beats being there for someone. Perhaps, I've been prepared for this day. And Perhaps, I've also planted a seed of faith today.

Soon, I found myself shifting the thought from "what/how can I gain" to "how can I serve You, Lord, better?" Though we often ask about life's ultimate questions, but perhaps, part of their answers are to be found from without (in the other party), and not just from within (ourselves). And the answer cannot be more simple than this : We are made in the image & likeness of God, whose DNA is none other than love. And love isn't love until it is given away (to the other party).

"The simplest way to describe God's poverty & humility is in terms of love. Love gives itself away - this is God's poverty. Love turns towards the other so it can give itself to the other - this is God's humility. In the Incarnation, God turns towards us through the Son/Word and gives (him)self to us as love.

~ Ilia Delio, The Humility of God : A Franciscan Perspective

WYD Special - WYD Reflection

2008-08-11T23:41:00.001+08:00

COMM-UNITY

On the first day of our WYD, I was totally unprepared for the massive crowd that appeared before my eyes. While we were on our way to Bangagaroo for our opening mass, I could see numerous church groups that came together from all over the world. Each group of pilgrims was holding on proudly to their country's flag. It was so exciting & awesome! People move in herds, singing hymns, & shouting cheers. It showed me another face of the Catholic Church which I've not seen before - a church so full of joy & hope. A church that despite its diversity, could still come together to celebrate our commonality - the one universal, catholic & apostalic church. It almost seemed as if the church had just experienced a great Pentecost. So, who says that the Catholic Church is a sleeping giant?

Like many others, our S'pore group (51 of us) from the church of St. Ignatius was also excited & proud to be there. And during the journey to Bagangaroo, I learnt a few tricks on how to avoid losing one another :

1) travel in the same pace. That means sometimes, having to slow down/hasten our pace or even waiting for one another.
2) the need for accountability - that means keeping each other in the loop of your whereabouts (even if it means a few minutes of toilet visit) + your contactability.
3) Hold on to one another. At some point, we literally had to hold on to each other's hands/bags to avoid losing one another in the scuffle & jostle.
4) the need for a marker - in our case, it is none other than the flag bearer. We need to keep our eyes fixed on the flag so as not to lose our way. But even if we do, we can always come back with the help on the flag that is raised high above the crowds.

I guess, the same could be said of my faith journey in a community. I recalled leaving church at the age of 15 - 17 as a result of not following the above pointers. I'm grateful to be where I am in my faith today, as a result of my community (Doulos Adonai) that has nutured my faith. So,

1) thank you for slowing down when I tried to seek God with all my heart for the first time in my life. You have so generously shared & witnessed your faith to me. You have taught me what P&W is, the Word of God & the various church teaching.
2) thank you for being my prayer buddy, encouraging me in my faith walk and keeping me in check on my spiritual health.
3) for the times when I was down and wanted to leave the group, you have continued to support me through your friendship, prayers and love. I couldn't break free because you have held on so tightly to me.
4) thank you for being my role model in your own individual way. I couldn't have been more inspired to be a leader (in my own way) had you not led in your own examples.

Although waiting for each other seems to be a waste of time, but the need to travel TOGETHER cannot be overemphasized. I learn that the need for unity is sometimes more important than efficiency, that the process of traveling is more fulfilling than the destination. And that, to my understanding, is the life of a comm-unity.

"Only when we see ourselves in our true human context, as members of a race which is intended to be one organism and "one body," will we begin to understand the positive importance not only of the successes but of the failures and accidents in our lives. My successes are not my own. The way to them was prepared by others. The fruit of my labours is not my own : for I am preparing the way for the achievements of another. Nor are my failures my own. They may spring from the failure of another, but they are also compensated for by another's achievement. Therefore, the meaning of my life is not to be looked for merely the sum total of my achievements. It is seen only in the complete integration of my achievements and failures with the achievements and failures of my own generation, and society, and time. It is seen, above all, in my integration in the mystery of Christ.

~ Thomas Merton, No Man Is An Island

WYD Special - Pre WYD (D-1) Reflection

2008-08-10T23:11:00.001+08:00

EVANGELIZATION

Today, I ventured into St. Andrew's Cathedral (Anglican Church), next to Queen Victoria Building. An elderly couple greeted me. After realizing that I was a Catholic, they tried to evanglize to me, quoting that faith is the key to justification and not good works. Yes, I cld see a little red sea parting in our conversation. But what striked me halfway through our conversation was her question : to what extent are you willing to give up your life for God, right now? If you were to meet Him now, do you think you are ready?

Wow....what morbid questions to start WYD! i definitely wanted to meet the Pope first, Jesus later....but somehow, these distrubing questions lingered within me. What am I prepared to give up for God? The couple was sharing with me on how their son gave up his high paying job to become a pastor and to migrate to Sydney. That was certainly a modern Abraham before me. What about me? um...the Lord is indeed inviting me to go deeper with Him in our relationship. Yes, will my response be like the rich young man in the Gospel? God certainly has a unique way to appear in the most unlikely place, at the most inappropriate time and via the "not exactly the type of people you like to meet" to bring about His evangelization. I was definitely looking for inspiration through the WYD event, not somewhere here.

Then just as I stepped into the busy corner of Queen Victoria Building, I witnessed another form of evangelization. This time, it is from my fellow pilgrims. As you can see from the video (see bottom of this entry), it's another subtle, friendly & cheery form of evangelization. Yes, I am suddenly aware that WYD is finally here. It has started. Will I be brave enough like them, to do such a street evangelization, esp. at the heart of the city? Will I be willing to make a fool out of myself, to spread the word of God? I was really touched by the sight before me. I often wonder, if St. Peter was to live in our present day, would he also choose this form of evangelization for his message in Acts Chap 2 : Courageously picking a busy junction, to proclaim the death & resurrection of our Lord, just as these people did.

The silly me, with my high & lofty aspirations to evangelize, has indeed been humbled by what I learn today :
1) Evangelization can take place anywhere, at any occasion, and with anyone (yes, even those you least expected)
2) I need to recall how I was first evangelized (recalling the last time I was evangelized/touched by someone's sharing/actions etc) and to take that as my inspiration
3) Yes, it takes more than courage but also THICK-SKIN! haha. Evangelization can come in various forms - via tense challenging questions, and sometimes, in light-hearted manner. Yes, maybe even in a dance/song! (um....maybe, just maybe, even through this blog)

But, it's always the same Lord we proclaim and the same Holy Spirit who gives the inspiration to invite/remind/challenge us to what we need to hear/think/do.

“Preach the gospel at all times; use words if necessary.”
~ St. Francis of Assisi

WYD Special - Pre WYD (D-2) Reflection

2008-08-10T00:02:00.002+08:00

WAITING...

Upon a friend's recommendation, we arrive at Manly Beach today to partake in their famous fish n chips. As we stroll along the beach after lunch, I was fascinated by the beauty of the vast sea before me. I decided to take a short rest, before whipping my camera out for some pictures.

Any photographer will tell you that apart from skills, taking a good picture requires patience. One needs to wait for the "right moment" to capture the essence of the subject, be it the atmosphere, the mood or the expression. And the wait can be exasperating, anxious, hopeful or joyful for different people. So, it is for me. Coming from a fast-paced country where "efficiency" is the essential survival skill, I got exasperated in trying to get a good shot. I can't wait for some "redundant" people to move away from my lens so that they don't "spoil" my photos. And then I have to wait for the waves to come in quickly so that I can get a good shot of some dudes surfing on their boards.

But strangely enough, nature sometimes have their own course to run. And some things just cannot be hurried. And we can put this "waiting time" to good use. Before the next onslaught of waves rushed in, I saw these surfers peddling themselves further into the ocean. Once the waves come, they would steady themselves on their boards to ride the waves. The same could be said for me as I waited for the arrival of WYD. To encounter Christ through the event, I got to wait.

As part of our WYD prep, we have already been warned by veterans of past WYD participants, that THERE WILL BE lots of waiting. Waiting for transport, food, etc. But waiting need not necessarily be wasted. Like the surfers, there's something to be learnt, to be put to good use.

And so, what happened during the course of WYD was that while queeuing for toilets, I took this "wasted time" to know my fellow pilgrims - to exchange faith stories.

So, the next time I deemed waiting as a waste of time, I need to review this thought again. Perhaps, I'm missing out something here. 'Cos if nature has a "waiting time" built into its course, then perhaps, I too need to weave that into my life as well.

And before I know it, dawn has arrived. Yes, we have waited for this moment. It's once again, time for me to take out that camera for another shot. And Thank You Lord, for allowing me to wait for this moment to encounter You in this beautiful sunset.

"I wait for the LORD,
My soul waits,

And in his word I hope;
My soul waits for the LORD
More than watchmen for the morning,
More than watchmen for the morning.

O Israel, hope in the LORD!
For with the LORD there is steadfast love,
And with him is plenteous redemption.
And he will redeem Israel from all his iniquities."

~ Ps 130 : 5 - 8

WYD Special - Pre WYD (D-3) Reflection

2008-08-08T00:25:00.002+08:00

SYDNEY!

Well, the moment I've been waiting for is finally here! After checking into YHA, we went to George Street to explore Sydney. As we roamed the streets, I came across some demonstrators. They were playing in a band to get people's attention. Some of them carried a long banner, while others solicited for petitions from bystanders to support their cause for human rights.

Their actions amused me initially. What are they trying to do? Do people really care about their cause? But on a more serious note, I wonder "why do they even do it?", "Does it make a difference?" With every 100 people who passed by, perhaps they were looking for that 1-2 people who would stop and make a stand - to support their cause for human rights. And that's all they needed - to make their cause known & to get people to pause amidst their busy-ness. To remind them that despite how small their efforts may be (by just penning down their signatures), it is, at least, a good start.

Looking at this sight, I can't help but wonder if this upcoming WYD could also make this difference. Despite the massive traffic problems that we pilgrims have brought to Sydney, it is my prayer that we could evangelise to the residents here. That even though the world around us continue to rush about their day, some 150,000 registered pilgrims from all over the world, has chosen to set aside a week in Sydney, to proclaim an important truth. I hope people could question our "why" rather than the "what" we are here. We have come to witness to our cause - that Jesus is Alive! We have come together, despite our diversity to share in this 1 common, catholic faith. Though I still do not know what role I play in this WYD, but I'm glad to be part of these 150,000 pilgrims. What & how do we make that difference? I dunno.

Towards the end of our WYD week, I met an Australian lady (from Melbourne) at St. Mary's Cathedral. She turned around & told me : Thanks to you pilgrims, our Prime Minister has made the announcement today, that we will have a dedicated ambassador to the Vatican City. (In the past, they have 1 ambassador that was shared between Ireland & Vatican). You have all made that difference. It is a start of a deepening relationship between
Australia & The Vatican.

I can't help but to thank God silently in my heart, that His seed of love, has indeed been sown in Sydney. We have indeed "Receive the Power" - to bear witness, starting from this end of the world (the southern hemisphere). It is definitely a start; the beginning of a journey.

"Who is Jesus to me?"
Jesus is the Word - to be spoken
Jesus is the Truth - to be told
Jesus is the Way - to be walked
Jesus is the Light - to be lit
Jesus is the Life - to be lived
~ Mother Teresa

WYD Special - Pre WYD (D-7) Reflection

2008-08-06T23:58:00.001+08:00

WHAT IS A PILGRIMAGE?

I kept asking myself, as part of my preparation for World Youth Day in Sydney. So far, I've only attended 1 pilgrimage to Israel last yr. As I reflected back on my experience last yr, 1 particular incident striked me deeply.

On the 3rd day of our pilgrimage in Israel last Mar, our spiritual director noticed how our group was mixing in their cliques. Majority of the pilgrims were from the parish of IHM, with a few couples from other parish/country. Naturally, a few of them felt left out, esp. during meal times. Our SD shared this with us : Every time he comes to visit the place of Bethlehem, he recalls the birth of our Lord Jesus. When it was time for Mary to give birth, many inn-keepers rejected her & Joseph. They simply have no rooms left. Our Lord & Saviour came to dwell among us, only to be rejected. As a pilgrim group, we come now, united as a body of Christ. We are no longer divided by race, nationality or parish. We should learn to open our hearts to welcome others as how we would like to embrace Jesus during this pilgrimage. This strikes many of us as we heard him share the story.

So, what is a pilgrimage? Is it about a destination? Is traveling to Sydney considered a pilgrimage? As I search deeper, I come to this understanding : it is about a spiritual journey - an inward journey to the "inn of my heart". Ultimately, I need to make space to receive Jesus. And to do so, I need to recognise the vehicles that carry him. 2000yrs ago, he came via Mary & Joseph. Today, He comes in the presence of the fellow pilgrims that I will journey in Sydney. To prepare for my trip, I realized that there are many things I need to pack. Many things to squeeze into my bags. But as I packed the many thick piles of clothes into my backpack, I cannot help but to be mindful to keep some space within them. A space for the most essential things that I must bring along for this pilgrimage : love, embrace, and our Lord Jesus.

"My prayer for this pilgrimage is to be a more caring & loving friend & group leader. That the people around me will be my way of encountering Christ. They will be my catechesis. Should I fail in any way to be Christ-like, may they be Christ to me in their gracious mercy & love. May I find strength in their love. Amen."

Participating in the Mystery of God

2008-05-31T23:46:00.001+08:00

My dad often questioned me about my ministry in church. His questions range from “Why are you always spending time in church?”, “Why don’t you get yourself a girlfriend?”, “Why are you leading the young ones in church?”, “What can they give you back in return?” to comments such as “You should try to network/build your social circle rather than mixing with the young ones”.

Looking back, I often laugh to myself at his questions. I think there’s so much (worldly) truth in them. I can see where these questions came from – the heart of a VERY concerned father looking at his aging bachelor son.

The ultimate question is “what’s really in it for me, at the end of the day?” The answer is really nothing. I only do what I feel called to do. And because I believe in this mission, I must continue in this journey. IF I cease to contribute in leading & guiding the young ones, who will be there to form them? They are our future, the pillars of the church to whom we are counting on. We are going to pass our 2000yrs of tradition, heritage & legacy to them. They must be prepared to handle & lead the church into another millennium.

Yet, from the bottom of my heart, I also knew that my father is right. In every sense of his worldly standard, I’m not going to profit anything out of this. My time could have been more effectively used. But I take heart to know that I share my plight with our Lord Jesus. Did He know what’s “in it” for Him when He began His ministry? How about His cross? His passion & death? Even as God, He was also fully human. He was probably discovering His identity as He journeyed on in life.

It was perhaps this sense of “cluelessness” & “resignation in His Father” that made Him truly God. It was His ability to hold fast His faith in His Father, His enduring love that pulled Him through every nail & blow that struck Him. And it is because of His great example that I take delight to share with all of you that I truly have no answer to my dad’s questions. Are all the efforts, time & sacrifcies that's been put in, pay off one day? It is this “I don’t know” that gives me hope that I could be one inch closer to imitating Christ, in becoming God. That I may one day live this possible hope that He will be in me & I, in Him. That perhaps in our sense of helplessness & cluelessness, we could still contribute to humanity in the best we could. That our loving Father could turn my “drop in the ocean” efforts for His kingdom building. I’m only grateful that I was invited to participate in this mysterious redeeming efforts of Christ. Amen.

"Do not hesitate to love and to love deeply...

The more you have loved and

Have allowed yourself to suffer because of your love,

The more you will be able to let your heart grow

Wider & deeper."

~ Henri Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love

Living with Mystery

2008-05-25T02:16:00.001+08:00

I was with a group of friends some months back, taking on yet another personality test to discover about myself (as if i haven't already know who i am!). Strangely, among the 5 different personality tests that i have taken in my lifetime, none has yet to capture my personality with 100% accuracy. But yes, they are good approximates - but they are at best, approximates. i wouldn't totally agree with the results. It is funny how these tests intrigued us as we try to discover something new about ourselves (oh please, who are you trying to kid!) and about others.

I was reminded by Sr. Christina that these tests could never be 100% accurate, as even we, can't say that we TOTALLY understand ourselves. And if we can never fully understand ourselves, how then can we say we totally understand God? At that moment, that truth suddenly hit me. But you see, as human beings, we are not brought up to live with "i dunnos". As little children, we were raised to question, to challenge and to find answers. Which is why even till today (as if our beings aren't complicated enough), we are still seeking to find answers if there are intelligent beings surviving there in outer space.

So, for once, i have learnt to be comfortable to say "i dunno". i need not try to fill in the great ocean into a small sand hole that i dig, by the beach (there is no way i will ever contain it!). I need to be honest to myself & admit that mystery is here to stay. That i am not only human being, but also divine being. I can't fully understand myself, just as i can't fully comprehend God. There's a little divine spark within each of us that allows mystery, and our Indescribable God to dwell within. How and when it happen? - "i dunno".

And by this equation & logic, the only surest way to know God, is when i fully know & accept myself for who i am. For then, we will come to accept this awesome truth in John 10 that "...As the Father knows me and I know the Father...(v10)", "I and the Father are one (v30)", "....that you may know and understand that the Father is in me and I am in the Father(v38)".

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, says the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts"
~ Isaiah 55:8-9

On Being Unique

2008-04-27T23:55:00.001+08:00

Would you ever want to look, think or behave exactly like someone else? Well, even twins will shirk at this remote idea.

A chat over dinner with one of my colleagues (who happened to have a twin sister), revealed this surprising finding. She continued to lash at those who mistook her for her sister. From the conversation, I could sense her strong desire to want to differentiate herself.

And I can totally empathize her for feeling that way. Isn’t that one of the reasons why people protest against human cloning? We are made unique – each & every one of us. There’s no one in this world who could ever replace me or anyone else for that matter. Yet, with this beauty of being unique, also comes one’s fair share of pain & suffering. Being unique is a double-edged sword. Just as we are unique, it also brings along the difficulty & pain of understanding one another. The way we think, behave & love is different. Strangely so, but this is also the reason why we have so many psychological models & theories to try explain or grasp the human mentality & behaviour. Yet, till date, there has never been a complete or proven model that works consistently. So, the next time that you want to lament at God, for a broken relationship or hurtful insult from someone close to you, then what you are really demanding from Him : is to take away this special gift of being unique. Because this is essentially the price we all pay for being unique. And this is something that we are still coming to terms with. That we can NEVER change someone to be like us - to reciprocate what we gave or to accommodate us.

But God does not allow the same thing that happened in the Tower of Babel to repeat in us. As such, He sent us himself – Jesus. Jesus came to unite us. He becomes the answer :
1) The Life : That love can be the common DNA/chromosome that we all share despite our uniqueness.
2) The Way : That despite our uniqueness, help is on the way. A formula has been derived. We only need to follow it. We can all grow closer (similar) to one another as we model after a common personality – that of Jesus Christ. Jesus Himself also strive to be like the Father throughout His entire life. He lives out the will of the Father. And He clearly says so in John 14 v 9 : “He who has seen me has seen the Father”
3) The Truth : It CAN be done. God Himself took the initiative. He does not need to CHANGE us : to get us to reciprocate or to accomodate Him. If anything, we ourselves must & want to do so. The response must come from us. It is US who wants to change.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.
~ Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

Free Upgrades

2008-04-21T00:06:00.001+08:00

My colleague & I are fans of stand-up comedies & local musical. It happened that during one of these evening, we decided to catch a local comedy play. Not wanting to fork out too much money, we settled on 2x mid-range (2nd lowest) tickets. We went in early & settled down on our seats. Not long after, the ushers came by to our seats & told us to move to the front as the theatre is not full that evening. Wow! What a pleasant surprise for both of us! Things like this certainly do not happen often. After a hard day’s work, this is just what we need to end off the day – an unexpected sweet little treat!

This incident reminds me about the passage in Lk 14 v 7 – 11 (On choosing places at table). In that passage, Jesus advices us – to make our way to the lowest place and sit there. For everyone who raises himself up will be humbled, and the one who humbles himself will be raised up. I always thought of humility as just moving away from limelight, shrugging off any possible credit that may come my way. However, I’ve also heard people who said that not owning up to the credit that is due to us is but false humility. What we are really trying to do is to fuel the other party to hurl in more praises at us, to convince us (& perhaps others around us) that we truly deserve the praise & credit. That is what we want to hear (more) and so we pretend to fend off these praises, in the noble guise of humility. And indeed over the years, I sometimes (& still do) find it difficult to distinguish between true & false humility within myself.

The unexpected incident that night, threw some light for me to understand about humility. My friend & I have bought the lower priced tickets. We were prepared to forego the close-up look of the actors. Yup, we knew we will not be able to zoom in on the pimples in their faces. We were prepared to squirm our failing eyes the entire night. This is what we paid for & are prepared to go through. We knew where we were supposed to be seated – three rows from the back.

What resulted instead is totally (1) unexpected, (2) uncalled for & (3) undeserving. What strike me was that true humility is about knowing my place – where I stand & what I deserve. It is not about denying my talents & gifts, nor rejecting credit/praises (if they are truly due). And yet it is also a fine balance about rejecting them when they go beyond what is totally true or deserving for me. Each night before I fall asleep, I cannot help but to notice the many “free upgrades” that I encounter throughout the day. From the beauty of creation in the morning, to the kindness shown at work and finally to the extra love & care at home, they are all indeed unexpected, uncalled for & undeserving.

Humility is an attitude of honesty toward all reality. It is not self-depreciation, which is a neurotic tendency, but the truth. It is the conviction of being created out of nothing and of being gratuitously redeemed. Those are the two theological principles on which true humility, in the Christian sense, is based.

~ Heart of the World by Fr. Thomas Keating

Attachment

2008-03-17T00:37:00.001+08:00

I was dragging my luggage the other day while waiting for the lift in KL Airport to come. To my horror, I discovered that the handle of my luggage was broken! What a way to start my business trip in KL.

As I took the cab to my hotel, I was wondering what I should do with this luggage. The practical & logical thought that came to my mind is to get a new luggage & throw this old one away. After all, it has served me well. It has been with me for the past 2 yrs or so. Perhaps it is time for a replacement. And yet, there is another part of me that was reluctant to let it go. And there are a few reasons behind it. For a start, it was a gift given to me by my ex-colleagues. So, it has sentimental reasons. Second, I’m quite a cheapo who try not to waste money getting another bag. Perhaps there’s still hope to salvage it (though it would honestly take a miracle!) But I think the main reason is really this. Somehow, somewhere, before I even know it, this luggage has creep into my life and become a part of it. In every short business trip that I went, it has accompanied me. Or perhaps more accurately, I should say it’s about ME being too comfortable with the familiar. A sudden “interruption” has upset my equilibrium.

And I realized that the luggage is but one of the many other “things” in my life which I’m attached to. My house, my family & friends, my job…the list is endless. Among the most difficult thing to let go is probably my family which I have grown so attached to, esp. with my new nephew & niece. Over these 2 yrs, they have definitely climbed up the chart to be in the top 3 “most important things in my life”. It is strange how my priorities & attachment have also changed over the years without my knowing. Then, there are attachments which are not necessary always good to keep. There are those which I can’t wait to get rid of but have simply refused to leave, or rather difficult for me to let go – my bad habits. Just today, in prayer, I realized that my bad habit of gossiping has creep back. Just half a yr ago, I recalled being fully aware of this bad habit and was taking steps to prevent it from being a part of my life, especially in my workplace. Initially, it was difficult to get rid of but it was definitely possible once you become more conscious of it. Recently, I’ve given in to gossip (which end up being frequent conversation topics) when I join my colleagues for meals. Sometimes, it is almost essential to survival as you uncover the latest happening in the office, as you try to find common topics to chat during lunches. But on further reflection, perhaps they are only excuses to a habit that I can’t get rid of. What is most frightening to me is that I didn’t even detect it when it came creeping back into my life & began its own organic growth! It has become 2nd nature to me that I didn’t even feel that I have done anything wrong.

Well, thank God for lent. I really needed this time once again to sort out my attachments.
a) those healthy possessions which I need to cultivate and turn them into top priorities in my life
b) those false possessions that hinder me from loving God (i.e. those that I may think are important but are really what I should learn to let go) &
c) the healthy & unhealthy habits that I must be aware (esp. those that have creeped into my life)

“Man is created to praise, reverence, and serve God our Lord, and by this means to save his soul. The other things on the face of the earth are created for man to help him in attaining the end for which he is created. Hence man is to make use of them as far as they help him in the attainment of his end, and he must rid himself of them in as far as they prove a hindrance to him.”
~ First Principle & Foundation (Ignatian Spiritual Exercise)

Where Is the Love?

2008-03-02T02:42:00.001+08:00

Reading the newspaper article recently made me wonder what the world has become. I believe this is the 5th case that I read so far about another teenager opening fire in his campus within a year! What actually happened? Was it his upbringing? Or has life been undervalued & taken for granted? One wonders if it was the immense pressure within the killer, the rejection and/or abuse that he faced that contributed to this senseless & cold blooded shooting. It’s almost as if an invisible, pervasive & uncontrollable force overwhelmed him that day & dragged him out for a murder spree.

When reports like these surfaced before you repeatedly, I cannot help but wonder if evil has triumphed & goodness forgotten. It reminded me immediately about the parable of the wheat vs weeds. The parable did not answer why the weeds were allowed to grow together with the wheat but it pointed us to the final result – the wheat will be gathered while the weeds will be uprooted & thrown out. This morning, like similar ones that I have witnessed previously, I am once again reminded of the goodness that continues to exist. While commuting in a crowded train to work, I witnessed a young lady giving up her seat to a pregnant woman. It is little daily actions like these that reminded me that goodness, with her soft, unnoticed, little voice, still prevails. For every bad report publicised in the media, there are probably 10 other good deeds that have gone unnoticed.

There are often a few theories when it comes to Christ's Incarnation. Some believed that there's so much stuborn-ness & irreparable evil/damage in the world that God has to activate His Plan B - to send His only Son to earth to redeem us. Another advocated that God made the world and proclaimed that "it was good" (Genesis). It was so good that He has to come & dwell in His creation, to live among them, to proclaim His kingdom is in their midst. um...let us pause & entertain this thought for a moment. Is it far-fetched? Can we accept this as a possibility and truth? The kingdom is already here?! It's within & with-out us. I only need to see & realise that. And the scary sequeal to it, is this : I got to start living/behaving like I am in the kingdom! Christ came to show us how to start living - in every literal sense. To give us life to the fullest. And I am capable of every good/bad deed. Every day, I'm challenged to be the herald of good/bad news. The kingdom of God begins with me. The choice is mine to make.

“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.”

~ Anne Frank

GEM

2008-02-26T12:19:00.001+08:00

GEM seems to be the recent buzz word in the retail sector which I work for. In this modern & present age, not only has our economy been growing, but so has our appetite for service, quality & speed. Thus came the GEM (aka Go the Extra Mile) program – an initiative coined by the Singapore government to woo tourists in the retail sector.

However, a recent lunch at one of the restaurants in PS with the present ZJ core team seemed to reflect otherwise. The first thing that I notice when we sat down was the waitress who was serving us. Apparently she had difficulty understanding us when she took our order. This is understandably so since she seem to come from China as by the sound of her accent.

15min into our conversation, our food came – an order of 5 full main sets. What irked me was the way she served our food. She simply passed the plates to the one sitting at the edge of the table & expected us to pass our food down the table ourselves! It is ironic how after slapping us with service tax, we ended up serving ourselves! (PS : This restaurant used to have a self-service policy which explained why they do not charge for service fee) Talk about service!

Later as we were about to walk out from the restaurant, she stood by the narrow walkway, obstructing our passage. As this happen, my eyes began to roll. I walked past her, had a good look at her & was about to lash out my resentment about her. But the image that registered in my mind seemed to be that of a desperate China gal who is here to study and to earn some part-time income to supplement the high tuition fee.

For most part of my meal time I was only centered on my expectation of service par excellence. I have failed to look beyond her job title, her nationality to recognize that she is a fellow sister in need of my understanding & support. It is both scary & yet painfully true about my lack of empathy towards these foreign workers. I often look disinterestedly at the articles in the CN about the church’s needs to embrace foreign & migrant workers. Today, this impassiveness has infected my soul to display this lack of compassion. As much as I have lashed out against social injustice & discrimination, but I guess there’s still a Pharisee within me.

This Lenten period, I’m reminded once again to look at people around me through the eyes of Jesus. The passage during the recent Sun’s gospel reading of the Samaritan woman reminded me of Jesus’s approach to people. He looked beyond their culture, nationality, taboo, sinfulness & appearances to who they really are deep within – precious GEMs. That was the difference that changed the world and that is all that matters this day. And the ROI (return on investment) that resulted – a converted town!

"We are so obsessed with doing that we have no time and no imagination left for being. As a result, men are valued not for what they are but for what they do or what they have - for their usefulness"

~ Thomas Merton

The Pulley Principle

2008-02-25T19:04:00.001+08:00

“You do know how the train function, right?” my colleague who doubled up as my Penang tour guide, asked me.

“Don’t they all work the same way?” I replied her with the usual dumbfounded look.

"How unusual can one of the oldest train in Penang be?" i thought to myself.

I learned that this was the primary mode of transport that ferried the British people (during the early settlement) up the Penang Hill (which is about 833m above ground) in the 19th century. It was much more cooling staying up in the Hill.

“Well, it works on the same principle as the pulley. When one train comes down, it actually “pulls up” the other train in the opposite tracks. That’s how they work”, my friend explained.

“Amazing…” I thought to myself. Leveraging on the strength of the other! For once, an “opposing force” is to be appreciated and not reckoned.

As I took the train down Penang Hill, memories of my days in church ministry came flooding back. Back then, being in a role that is accountable for the survival & purposefulness of the ministry, it is my upmost concern to ensure that members give their best to God – i.e. they need to give their 100% (or rather. 101%) commitment to the ministry. I spent little time trying to understand those who could not. I would often write them off as uncommitted (or not quite ready to serve yet) or confused (i.e. this was not the ministry for them). And then when attendance dips, which resulted in the stretch in manpower (esp. in service projects), I begin to wonder what went wrong. Were the members too young/immature for responsibility?

But it began to get clearer now as I sat in the train, while watching another train come up. For people to be able to realise their potential, they need support & encouragement. Someone has got to “come down” so that they can “go up”. What is needed is the journey down to understand the other party – to be compassionate – to lend support. When that happens, we need not worry about what instructions or advice to give. By the same principle of the pulley, in so coming down, we would have already helped the other party to begin their ascent upwards (be it consciously or sub-consciously). What was lacking in me, was the journey down – to be with that person. Often times, the Lord remain with His people, despite their hurts & brokenness. HE allowed them the time & space to be where they are. Even if they come or remain with their anger, unforgiveness, sinfulness, they were all welcomed & understood. But once they soak up His love for them, that is when they start to change and to draw towards Him.

Perhaps this is the wisdom of the Incarnation hidden from our ever high & lofty eyes. God knew that for us to ascend to Him, He needs to first come down & reach out to us. So, the next time that i expect someone to be as committed or loving as myself, i need to suspend that pre-judgmental thought in my mind & apply the “The Pulley Principle”. Looking back at the amount of time spent in serving the church, I also knew that all this could not have been possible had it not been for the quiet but essential support from my family & friends. Had my mother not helped me in my weekly laundry etc, I’m most certain that part of my time would be spent on houshold chores. i would not be able to give as much as I could. They have indeed come down to my aid, so that i may rise beyond myself to reach out to the those around me.

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them."

~ Thomas Merton

Epiphany

2008-01-07T01:18:00.001+08:00

I used to make a checklist of things to do whenever I take my annual leave. This include : reading a book by the beach or the Botanical Gardens, doing my shopping for the latest clothes/books etc. However, I always end up staying at home to be the playmate for my 2 yr old niece. : (

After having done that a few times in early 2007, I hesitated & wondered why my precious leave was spent so unproductively. I wanted to do many things & yet nothing was accomplished. I seem to be wasting time with her, playing some childish games that she likes to amuse herself. (e.g. pretending that we are driving to a goat farm, cooking some hamburgers/hot dogs for her stuff toys). Yes…what is a 34 yr old uncle like me doing? I really think I got to put a stop to all this silly, wasted…

But then, ...wait a minute! If there’s anything that I learn from this experience, it will be the realization that I am not really far away from the behaviour of a child. Though my niece would long for my companionship (here & now), I’m pretty sure she’ll grow up one day, forgetting this play time that we spent together. And in many ways, haven’t I already forgotten the many beautiful moments that I spent with my loving Father? Like a child, I will never be able to fully “repay” the moments spent together.

God is constantly “wasting” His time with me. Like the Prodigal (aka lavish) Father, He’s eager for my company. Just as it didn’t matter to me that my niece should recall the times we had together.. God only asks that I enjoy the moment – Being together WITH HIM. He does not ask that I repay Him nor comprehend what all this may mean. It’s a gift that I can only accept & savour. It’s too great a gift for me to understand it’s immense sacrifice & mystery. Perhaps, this is what the Epiphany is all about. What did the magi see in this vulnerable baby Jesus for them to pay him homage as the King of the Jews? Was it blind faith, or divine wisdom that allowed them to see Him beyond the guise of a child?

It’s ironic how a child would cling onto you in their early years, only to crave for independence in their adolescence. In so many ways, so has my spiritual journey been. In the beginning, I crave for His presence & loving touch. But once things begin to go my way, I seem to forget about Him & to start craving for my own independence. Like the 3 Magi, I need this epiphany every now & then. To know & accept that i will forever be a child in the eyes of my loving Father.

PS : This entry is dedicated to my little newphew, Brandon on his baptism on the feastday of the Epiphany (6 Jan 2008). May you grow in the wisdom & love of our Lord Jesus. May you always remain like a child before the presence of our Loving Father.

My Blessing Cup

2007-12-31T23:56:00.001+08:00

2 of the most popular questions which you cannot avoid during this festive season are :
1) How was your Christmas/New Year?
2) So, how did you spend your Christmas/New Year?

And the taboo is to mention that you spend it at home. This answer will surely evoke a frown on the other party's face, esp. if you are single without kids.

But to be honest, this is the first time that i'm spending both my Christmas & New Year at home since my early childhood/teens. I think age must be catching up cos i didn't feel like a loser. In fact, i totally enjoy this precious time by myself, for myself! For me, the last memorable New Year that i spent was about 2 years back when we did a P&W (led by Angel & Matt) at one of my friend's (Mervin Prakash) place. We paused & reflected on what we wanted to thank God for & then continue the countdown with a P&W.

I think I have been so used to rushing through the year that I often forget to pause & reflect about what has happened. Where was God in my life? Before I bid farewell to 2007, I wanted to recall 10 things which I wanted to thank the Lord. um... but this is quite a struggle (this is an obvious indication of my unreflected life). So, let me try :

1) Serangoon Youth District Rally in Feb (for meeting all the wonderful & capable youths in the serangoon district who have put together this wonderful & evangelical rally. It was a miracle to see all our youths united in the serangoon district)
2) The birth of my nephew, Brandon in Mar - the latest addition in the family (who has brought along so much joy!)
3) Opportunity to make a pilgrimage to Israel in Mar (I was able to journey with wonderful people from the Church of IHM in the footsteps of Christ)
4) Finding a nice occupant to rent out my old house (although it was slightly below market rate) Thank God for the arrangement. Everything just happened so quickly. We found a tenant within 1 month & had to move out all our things within the same timing!
5) The grace to meet my spiritual director - Fr. Vince Hurley for a 30 week Ignatian retreat to build up my prayer life
6) The opportunity to relinquish my role as Adult Advisor in Zion's Joy group. Since then, I think it was a humbling period for me to steer away from session (and becoming proud) and to build up on my spiritual life instead
7) The friendship of my great friend, the late Colin Kang. Thank you for teaching me on what living life to the fullest meant & for making a difference even in your workplace, family & church
8) All the nice colleagues at work, which make the work place a bearable place to be in and one that permits work-life balance
9) The grace to be able to attend many wonderful sessions organized by SPI & ACCS (3 GOD sessions, Kingdom of God, Leviticus/Bk of Numbers, Retreat by SACCRE)
10) The many people in IHM YM, esp those in ZJ, whom I have worked with. You people are SAINTS! I wonder how you were able to be so patient with me despite my many faults.

Lord, thank you for the abundant blessing that you have showered upon me in 2007 (they are more than I could ever know or remember). Not all experiences have resulted in joy, but each one allows me to see you working more clearly in my life. With this, I am confident that I can entrust my 2008 to you. Allow me, Lord, to be excited about what you will do in my life (for me). Give me the grace to be faithful & to co-operate with you.

So, goodbye 2007 & Welcome 2008!

How to Choose a Gift?

2007-12-29T03:19:00.001+08:00

On Christmas this year, we had a new domestic helper who joined us 3 months back. We arranged for her to make a call back home in the Philippines to enquire about the well-being of her family. But to our dismay, the call only brought back sad response as she listened to the heart-wrenching words of her child (2-yr-old son) – pining for his mother to be with him.

This is something which I can empathize. It’s not an easy choice for my domestic helper. It’s a tough choice of providing for what her family wants vs what her family needs. Her children wanted their mother to be with them this Christmas but they also needed the financial support, which drove her to Singapore for work. And sometimes this line is not very clear. Perhaps, her children also equally needed her motherly love. But I’m quite clear that she has answered the call to, what she must have thought, was the needs of her family. She must have struggled in her choice before she made the decision to come to Singapore.

Just few days back, I faced a similar (and perhaps less serious) scenario. I have to decide on what to get for my Godson as a Christmas gift. I’m tempted to get him a nice tee which I spotted from Celio vs a 12 month subscription of Catholic Digest (oh boy!), which I hope will help put him back in his spiritual footing. Clearly, the tee (which I really liked a lot), would have put me in a more appreciated & remembered role as the giver vs a boring reading gift which requires efforts on the part of the recipient. Sigh…it’s such a dilemma. It would have also been easier on my part to shop for the tee, since I was in town the other day. I could pay off instantly & leave the shop with the gift OR I would have to write a cheque and find a postage stamp to post off the subscription. But at the end of the day, I think the gift betrays the intention of the giver. Does the gift throw back the focus on the giver or the recipient? Is it about my popularity or about my godson?

Few thousand years ago, our Lord Jesus was once thought as the liberator, the awaited Messiah who was to deliver the Jewish people. At the peak of his popularity, they wanted to make Him King to overthrow the Roman empire. I’m sure our Lord must have been tempted too. In all 3 classic temptations of our Lord, prior to the start of His ministry, the devil presents a shortcut to redeeming the world. All 3 would have fulfilled the goal of our Saviour but done in the way of the Devil. They would definitely have been a less painful path for our Lord. Yet, our Lord chose the road less traveled and made the choice to carry His cross. If not for Him, I would not have known the way to live, love, to suffer & eventually die. He has shown us the Way, the Truth & the Life. And it’s all that made the difference. His birth could have been in a palace but He chose to be born, rejected in a cold manger. In His lifetime, our Lord lived & ministered among His people, especially among the poor. He came to give hope & love to His people. He came to give what was needed, and not what was wanted.

"Thank you Lord, for all the choices that you made. 'Cos each choice that you took along the way, you only thought of us - the recipient."

So, the next time that you are about to get a gift for someone, do stop & question. Do they really need this?

ROAD LESS TRAVELED

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth

Then took the other as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet, knowing how way leads onto way
I doubted if I should ever come back

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood
And I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken
US poet (1874 - 1963)

The Christmas Gift

2007-12-22T02:48:00.001+08:00

I thought long & hard about what I should get for my Lord this Christmas. Somehow this thought kept me up for a few hours recently. I thought about how I should make this Christmas different from my previous years.

a)should I donate to the poor, the one busking/begging on the streets?
b)Or reach out to those who have strayed away or become inactive Catholics?
c)Perhaps I can share my faith with a non-Catholic this Christmas & get someone to join RCIA/RCIY?

The list goes on about the many possibilities. It’s almost like counting sheep. Only thing is that this kept me wide awake rather than help me fall asleep! And then, a soft prompting suddenly came upon me about the origin & purpose of Christmas. The focus is not so much about the Lord, as it is about ME.

I am the purpose why He’s even here in the first place. I am the reason for his birth, his life, death & resurrection. His birth is but only a reminder of what He has started & is continuing to do in my life. Everything about God is first & foremost about ME.

What resulted next is this sudden appreciation (no pun intended) of myself & of my worth in the eyes of God. I felt loved & precious. Even though there’s much focus on the spiritual prep of oneself (in this period of Advent) on the coming of Christ, but I think I need to focus first & foremost on that fundamental motive – that i'm loved, not forgotten.

Yes, I have heard it preached so many times. But there’s no other way to package this Christmas gift. It’s as simple & truthful as it can get. Nothing fanciful. Some 2000 yrs ago, as the world is in slumber, a miracle happened in the ordinariness of the night. This year, I plan to sit by my balcony on Christmas night, sipping my cup of hot chocolate and reflecting on this taken-for-granted & yet miraculous truth. Perhaps I need to strip away the din of the merry-making + all the packaging and to focus on the ordinariness and unnoticed CHRISTMAS GIFT that has been with me all this while. Maybe then, I will be able to hear the affirming voice that once said:

Since I regard you as precious, since you are honoured and I love you, I therefore give people (including Jesus) in exchange for you, and nations in return for your life.” ~ Isaiah 43:4

Oh…and my gift for the King? I guess, nothing delights the giver more than a deep appreciation from the recipient. There is nothing that my small little gift could come close to this tremendous treasure that He has given. Yes, the focus has shifted from my gift to THE GIFT that Christ has given me.

I could only bow down & pay my homage in this "silent night" to come. “Thank you, Lord for coming down to me. May our encounter enable me & the magi, to take a different route home. May we be, never the same again."

"What can we give that You have not given
What do we have that is not already Yours
All we possess are these lives we're living
And that's what we give to You Lord"

~ Bridge, from the song "I Offer My Life"

The Meaning of Death

2007-12-10T23:11:00.001+08:00

One of the proposed passages that I chose for Colin's funeral mass was the one in John's Gospel (Chap 12) : "unless a wheat grain falls on the ground and dies, it remains only a single grain; but if it dies, it yields a rich harvest." (hope he liked it!)

But the mind boggling question that arise from this line is : So, when does death start to give meaning?

a) is it measured by the turn-out at funeral wake/mass?

b) does it depend on our memories/encounters with the deceased?

c) or only when it becomes a reminder for us to treasure the loved ones around us?

But then again, haven't we already attended a few funerals in our lifetime? Where have they left us? Where & when have we changed? How have we been different since the last funeral wake/ mass? Oftentimes, we like to adopt the "spectators mentality" - questioning & lamenting. I think there's nothing wrong with that. It's part of the griefing process. But it stopped short of any futher involvement in our lives. The world continues to spin even if it seemed like it had stopped momentarily during the passing of our loved ones.

But i think death gives meaning when & unless it triggers a change in the way we continue to live our lives. A change that iluminates hope, meaning & inspiration. Preparing for Colin's funeral mass is by no means, an easy feat. The whole saga took me a full day & night's work. But I can't say that the prep has given any meaning to me (based on my above criteria). If anything, perhaps it helped me in my grieving process, knowing that i could be of help to his family (thereby reducing that guilt feeling). But Colin's gone. Nothing i could do could really have "helped him" in anyway.

But it's only upon further reflection abt the way he lived his life & what he stood for that gave me this hope, meaning & inspiration. During his lifetime, he lived life to the fullest, balancing between work, family & church. He gave his life to help the youths in church. There were many untold charity works that he did in his capacity as a lawyer (i only learnt abt it from the New Paper report!). i failed pale in comparison. How have i been a Christian at work? How could i have further encourage the youths in church? It is not so much for the sake of comparison, but rather, have i loved as Jesus has loved? That's what Colin lived & did.

Colin was a sociable friend who treated others with kindness, generosity & sincerity. His whole death, has inspired me to join facebook to keep in contact with others and to use this God-given technology to share my faith story. And hence this blog is born for this purpose. How is it going to work? i'm not too sure. But like Colin, i will take each step as it comes, and to give life to this blog - "to the fullest". In so many ways, i'm invited to continue living the life of Colin, always reaching out. Now, i understood what the disciples went through when the Lord was no longer with them. They must have relied on their past memories - of the happy times spent on fishing, feasting, travelling together. They must have reflected on what Jesus stood for, of His question, "Who do you say I am?". But most importantly, the disciples gave meaning to Christ's life & death when they become Christ to others in the world. In the words of St. Paul in Galatians - "it is no longer i who live, but Christ who lives in me." That's the change. That's when death gives meaning. And that is all that matters. The rest is His-story.

What about you? How has death given meaning to you?

"...once you learn how to die, you learn how to live...the things you spend so much time on - all this work you do - might not seem as important. You might have to make room for some more spiritual things."

~ Morrie in Tuesdays with Morrie.